Pour Ma Douce Amie...

There are those who like to put their accomplishments or trials out there for the world to see. For recognition, sympathy, help, attention...who knows what. And then there are those who are silent. Who smile on the inside when they achieve something great. Who cry in the dark so their tears can't be seen. Who put on the smile even though they are dying on the inside. It's sad really that these people, for one reason or another, feel like they have to suffer alone. That there is no one they can call when they make a perfect chocolate bundt cake that should win a Pillsbury Blue Ribbon. Or, even more sad, when they feel like they are drowning in despair. For some, it is the ways of their past. They were never good enough. The red headed step child.

I'm here to say this today. YOU ARE GOOD!!! NO!!! YOU'RE GREAT. You have light and life and people who love you. You have demons, yes. Demons can be exorcised. They don't need to be carried. You have people who judge you. Who cares. Judge not lest ye be judged. Their condemnation will come at their own hands. Don't be afraid to tell your story. It's so great to release that burden from time to time. (Check my fb wall if you don't believe me) It doesn't have to be for gain. You aren't asking for someone to feel sorry for you. You're saying this is how it is. And look...I survived. I'm still here. I'm still fighting. Yes, I've taken a beating. More than once, but I believe in myself enough to get back up.

And guess what...I believe in you. And Mikey believes in you. And Ash. And Liz. And Ian. And Livimonster. And many, many others. So who cares about the ones who don't.



Now, you know I like originals. But you also know that I think Matthew Bellamy is the only person in the music industry right now, that includes Brandon and Gary, with skills comparable to my beloved Freddie. Da man is friggin' amazing.

You also know this post is as much for me as it is you. We both need to realize who we are and be able to stand tall. No matter how many people are trying to break us down. Put your back on me, yo. I won't let you fall. Ever.

All my love, my sweet friend.

My Side of the Story...

I've had a rough couple of days. As a woman, I have a certain time of the month when I lose complete control of my faculties. I cry, laugh and yell all within a 30 second time frame. It's cool. It's how we roll. One of the downsides of being the favored sex. But I digress. This morning I was thinking about doing a blog post and basically letting everyone have it. I was feeling really beaten down and negative, but after a waxing/therapy session with the very wise and kind and loving Jolie, I have a new perspective.

A few years ago I went through an exceptionally rough patch in my life. It was a culmination of a lot of years trying to find fulfillment in a life that was just, well, unfulfilling. I married young for two reasons. The first was that was what I was taught was expected of me. You get married and start a family. The second was because I didn't have a lot of self confidence. So, I jumped on the first opportunity that came around for fear that nothing else would. Now, it wasn't a bad choice. I knew that I would be taken care of, but I also knew that I wasn't in love. When I talked to people they would say, "well love comes with time". So, I kept my fingers crossed that it would. And to a degree, it did. You don't spend all your time with a person and not have a love for them. But it was never that passion, that newness, that I can't be and don't want to be without this person.

Then I had kids. I focused so much attention on them and on being the best mom that I could that I didn't have time to focus on the things that I didn't have. As any parent knows, it is completely unfair to expect your children to be your sole source of fulfillment in life at any age. It is way too much pressure on kids. Luckily for me I had friends. And I think I'm a really good friend. I put A LOT into my relationships with people. So when the dark times came, you can imagine my disappointment when I found that a lot of those that I considered close to me were not there. And nothing was ever said to me directly, but I heard through the grapevine that people were saying that I walked away from all of them. I was offended by that at first, but as I thought about it, they were right. I had become so dead inside that I just couldn't give the way I had before. I could barely function in my day to day life. What was hurtful though, was that instead of them putting in the effort to keep those relationships going, they just let them die. And I felt completely alone.

I had a spouse that I was completely disconnected from, children that I tried so hard to not live vicariously through, and many of the people I called friends gone. I was alone. And in that aloneness, I looked for everything and anything that would make me feel. Because of that, I made a lot of poor choices that just led me down an even darker path. I did things that were completely out of character for me, and as I look back now, I have a lot of guilt and shame over. I made a lot of excuses for my behavior at the time, but ultimately I knew that I was wrong. I wondered if my life wasn't really that bad and that I was just making excuses for my behavior by saying that I had been unhappy. Luckily, I had kept a journal and was able to read that within two months I was already regretting my decision to marry and wishing that I had been brave enough to call it off before it was too late. At two years into the marriage, I was wanting to file for divorce. In a way, it made me feel better to know that I wasn't completely crazy in how I was feeling 12 years after the fact.

And then I met Patrick, and little by little light started coming back into my life. It was hard for me at first, like someone who'd been in a cave and was coming out into the sun for the first time, but eventually I stopped fighting it and let him light up my world. I have been so grateful for him and everything that he has given me. I am grateful for the love he shows me and my children. I am grateful that he lets me cry and get snot all over him when he's holding me. I love that he washes the dishes so that I don't have to. And I even like that he listens to classic country music when he does it. Cause I secretly like a lot of it. Which I'm pretty sure he also knows, but lets me keep up my tough exterior of pretending that I hate it. I love that he forgives me when I do dumb stuff. I love that he makes my kids treat me with respect without belittling them. I love that he spoils me. I love that he lets me be me. And that he loves all of me. Even the annoying stuff. I don't have to pretend. I'm just me. And it's fabulous.

Finally I have it. I have the passion, the excitement, the I don't want to be without you...ever. The will you please come home now, cause I don't want to wait until 4 to see you. The I don't want to get out of bed in the morning cause I'll have to leave you. The I can't wait to be your wife and spend the rest of my life with you.

So instead of focusing on all the horrible stuff that happened and that I went through, I'm focusing on the amazing things I have in my life now. I'm excited for my future. I'm excited for the direction my life is taking. And I'm the most excited for my partner on my journey.

For my song choice, I wanted to post one that gave me a lot of peace during some of the darkest times in my life. Whenever I hear it I picture a father holding his daughter. Comforting her and wiping away tears. Letting her know that she isn't alone because her daddy will always be there. It was a great source of comfort for me during my darkest time. I know some of my friends will pick on me for it, but I don't care. I love Josh Groban. Just like I love Randy Travis. That is all. :)

A song for friends

Let me preface this post with a thought...There are times in your life when you just know something is right. Even when you stumble upon it unconventionally...

I believe that love is the strongest force on earth. I was blessed to find it early in my life. I think that there are some people who find it, then for various reasons, it fades. It always makes me sad when that happens, but sometimes, we witness miracles; and out of terrible sadness comes great happiness. This is my hope. I want everyone to be happy; especially the people I love.

Some people are lucky and get to find their miracle sooner rather than later. Some search longingly with no avail, some make a choice that turns out to be ill-fitting in the long run; but provide them with some of the choicest blessings they'll ever know; and some of them are lucky enough get a second chance.

When we find someone who can love us unconditionally- "warts" and all, someone who knows the worst thing we've ever done and still sees that there's good in us, we need to do all we can to nurture those feelings. Too many people think that love is easy. It's not. But when you find the person you were made for, it's totally worth it.

It is my wish for everyone can find happiness. The kind of true love that never fades, but glows golden with the patina of time.

Yes it's true...I was made for you.

And so it goes...

I thought it would be kind of fun to give you a musical rundown of sorts of mine and Patrick's time together. It has been a bit tumultuous at times, but I guess that's the beauty of relationships. Oddly enough, I have to give Facebook the credit for us being where we are today. Even though we had met before through mutual friends, that was where our relationship was fostered. It started out like this...



And I responded with "I'll hold your Coors Light on the back of your motorcycle while wearing a Utah hoodie and singing Chris Ledoux songs." Apparently that was all the sign he needed. But I still wasn't convinced. So, I said...



Well, he proved me wrong. The more time we spent together the better it was. And the beautiful thing was that we didn't have to be doing anything at all. Just being together was enough. I'm pretty sure there aren't words in the English language that could express how we felt about each other anyway.



Then next thing I knew...BAM...I was all smitten and stuff. I think it was the drunken text telling me that he loved me for the first time that won me over. Or maybe it was him telling me that he loves the way I love him. Or that I mean the world to him. Or any of the million other amazing things he does for me on a regular basis.



We have had a rough go of it at times. But we never give up on each other. We never let the other walk away. And I don't believe we've ever gone to bed mad. We always try to make it right. And that's difficult at times, seeing as we are probably the two most stubborn people on the planet. But what we have is real. And you don't walk away from that.



So, here we are now. We've made it through more in a short period of time than most people do in a lifetime. Divorce, illness, fights, kids, personal baggage and so much more. Yet, we're still standing...together. We've overcome so much and I know that we can endure anything together. As long as we have each other to give each other strength and love, to be each others beacon of hope and light for the future, to be each others greatest cheerleader and support, I know that we'll be together for at least a thousand years. And I'll love you even longer than that.



I love you, Smooshie. Happy Valentines Day.

I heart u. Like, forever and stuff.

Not the original version of this song, but a rare gem none the less. The raw emotion of this song is palpable.

This is a love song to stand the test of time. If you don't feel anything, you've obviously never been in love.

It's totally saxy.

My favorite songs for the week.

I actually have a few posts brewing, but I wanted to get this one out there just because I love the songs so much. I'm seriously loving Gotye. If you haven't heard, then you need to google. He's fabuloso. I haven't decided who I think I relate too in this song. I think it's both of them. I just love it. Him: We try to convince ourselves that we're happy with someone because we think it's the right thing to do. And when we finally get the strength to let go, we want everyone to be happy about it. It doesn't work that way. Someone always feels shafted. Only crazy people actually get to throw parties when they split. Or really, really healthy people. Her: You just have to cut it off completely. You shouldn't have to take the crap of another person. You shouldn't have to live as "second best" or in the shadow of someone else. I love it. And quite frankly, it doesn't bother me that the two people that have caused me to be able to relate I get to consider as people I used to know. See ya suckas.



I just love M83. They make me happy and they make me want to run really fast. LOVE LOVE LOVE. This is the new song from the new album, Hurry up. We're dreaming. So friggin' good. That's all I need to say.

Midnight City...

I'm super late...

I haven't been inspired yet this year as far as music goes... It makes me a little bit sad because I live for good music. It's been bothering me that I have not chosen an theme song for 2012. I am usually totally on top of this crap, but this year was a little more difficult. I pushed Stacy and nagged her to death; then I couldnt find one of my own...Figures.

Then- miraculously- something happened. While shuttling my children back and forth and spending pretty much 6 hours getting in to and out of a car; a song came on that struck me and I knew immediately that this was it. I was shocked because this isn't a song that I would normally pick. It isn't by a group I particualry love. They're ok for sure, but they aren't really that remarkable to me. But this is a happy, hopeful and totally positive song.

I have discovered that I have "friends" who really get bugged when I'm happy and positive all the time. I don't give a damn. I was under the impression that when you care about someone, their happiness was important to you... whatever. I am happy. I love my life. If you can't handle that, then maybe you don't belong there anymore.

With that said- I present to you my theme song for 2012: