I can't stay....

Those of you that know me fairly well know that although I may not be a "religious" person per se, I am a spiritual person. I believe in God and that he has a plan for us and loves us. I believe that there is good in most people. I do search for meaning in the things that have happened and try to learn from those things. And most of all, even though my life is full of mistakes, I do try to be a good person. I try to see the positive in bad situations, although sometimes I do become overwhelmed. I try to see the good in all people. One of my best, and worst, qualities is how quickly I am able to forgive and forget. It's good for me to be able to do that, but I have a hard time understanding when it is not reciprocated. I have been told that it is a spiritual gift that I have been blessed with and that a lot of others just do not have the capacity for it.

Today I am struggling with the small mindedness of some. I guess I just can't understand why people focus on one aspect of a persons life and draw so many conclusions from it. How they can automatically assume that someone is a bad person because they see a bottle of rum on their kitchen counter. In my opinion, spiritual vices are just as, if not more, harmful than physical ones. Feeling that you have the right to look down on someone because you don't agree with how they live their lives. It's fine to not agree, it's not okay to pass judgment.

I have a dear friend, her name is Gen Faumuina. She is a beacon of hope to me of what people should be like. She is probably the most kind, understanding, compassionate non judgmental person I have ever met in my entire life. She is good and pure and giving. She never has time for herself because she is so busy doing for everyone else. I instantly loved her the moment I met her and I count her among my best and dearest friends because she can say, Stacy, look at what you're doing. This isn't who you are. And she can do it in a way that I know she isn't judging me, but genuinely sees me for who I am and the potential that I have. I hope to one day be half the woman, friend, mother and wife that she is.

But anyway...my point is this...I have made a personal discovery over the last few weeks that I hope I can implement in my life. I don't need to explain my every action to people. I am not accountable to anyone here, but myself and my children. I don't need reasons. I don't need excuses. I am just me. And that's enough. And if it isn't for you, then see ya round. But don't point a finger of judgment at me and treat me like I am less, because the fact that you are doing it shows that you have just as much work to do in your own life as I have in mine. One of my favorite scriptures is in 1 Samuel 16:7...(yeah, I know the bible, what of it?) And the point is that man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. And I think that people who truly love you and know you look there too. They know the person you really are. And when you make a mistake, they can just take your hand and help you stand up. And they are willing to do it over and over and over again until your footing is secure and you can walk alone. They expect nothing in return. Nothing has to be owed. Nothing has to be earned it just is. These are the people you should surround yourself with because they are the ones who will always be there.

I like to look for spiritual things in music. I don't like church music. I think most of it is pretty cheesy. So I look for messages in other areas. And when I first heard this song it wasn't one of my favorites. But now I love it. And the beautiful thing is that music can take on any meaning that you need it to.

I've been in the dark for a while now. And I can't stay. It's time for me to face my decisions and go home.

Where Oh Where Has My Little Boy Gone?

It's hard to believe that 12 years ago I became a mother. It doesn't seem like it's been that long, and on the other hand, it feels like forever. But so it is, and I was lucky enough to be blessed with one of the greatest kids to ever grace this earth. My sweet Nathan Alexander. He's been such an angel. So smart and confident and driven. He watches everything I do and hears everything I say. He is my protector. Now, that isn't always a good thing because sometimes he hears and sees things that he probably shouldn't, but luckily for me he handles most of it with grace.

He loves his mom. Just yesterday he told me that on a scale of 1-10, I was a 13. He has brought me so much joy and happiness and proud moments. In his short time he has achieved so much. He is loved and adored by everyone who meets him. He is so personable and kind and loving. He is so helpful and does the things I ask without too much fuss. Now, if I could just get him to be nice to his sisters.


I love him so much. He is quick with a hug or a kind word for me. He never leaves without kissing his mom good bye. He doesn't even get too embarrassed when I make him do it in front of his friends. I know that he is destined for greatness and I'm going to be there cheering him along the entire way.

















































Happy Birthday my sweet Nathan. I love you with all my heart.

Here comes your man...

I had every intention of doing this earlier, but I've been busy, so there.

Stacy loves Snow Patrol. That isn't a big secret. Gary is her Brandon. And he even has pretty teeth now! I'm super excited about that. While I cannot change allegiences, I am in no position to try and act like that Irish lilt does nothing for me. It's hotttttt. When we saw him in concert, he swore and it sounded so pretty. It's amazing what a lovely accent can do for the English language. Even naughty words sound sweet. Oh well, he isn't my boyfriend and I shouldn't be talking about him like this, but I'm hoping this might bring Stace some happiness today. It's been a tough year and she deserves a snippet of happy.

I'm officially old.

My sweet lil girl started high school a couple of weeks ago. I'm not gonna lie. I was a little sad about it.
In the movie Father of the Bride, at one point, Steve Martin's character is looking at his daughter and he didn't see her as a the grown up she was, he saw her as a child, in different stages of her childhood and was sad about it. That's what happened to me when she was climbing those stairs to the front door of the high school for the first time. She looked so small and fragile. She is neither of those things, but as she was walking, I saw my little kindergartener going into this huge school that I was afraid she wasn't ready for. The school she's going to is HUGE. I'm talking college campus huge. Had I taught her enough? Had I suffiently helped her build her self esteem? Will she remember to kick boys "where it counts" if they deserve it? Will she make friends and have someone to eat lunch with?
It was rough at first. She has her first class at 6:45. She's not a morning person. But I think things are going to be ok. She's a good girl and she's smart. She doesn't have a perfect mother, but she has a mom who thinks she's amazing, and knows that she can do anything she puts her mind to.

Here's a song that she loves and I hope it makes her smile.

I like it when she smiles.

That's What Friends Are For...?

I jokingly put a mock ad on my facebook account today asking for friends. Although it was silly, it was how I felt. I don't know what it is about women. And maybe it's not even all of them, but we need companionship. We need other women in our lives to share things with. To get pedicures and talk crap. Men think we're weird. They don't understand why their company isn't enough for us, but it just isn't. There is a bond between women that is just different. A sisterhood if you will.

I feel like I lost a very close friend today. Someone who I had put a lot of trust and faith into. Someone that I thought would always be there for me unconditionally, through thick and thin. Someone who didn't judge and loved me in spite of all of my mistakes. It turns out it was only contingent on me living my life according to her standards. And now, in a time of desperate need she can't be there for me because she doesn't agree with how things have turned out.

My heart aches. I feel like a gaping hole has been left. I'm tired of being hurt by people. I'm tired of feeling worthless. Like I'm less. Like a failure. Like I let people down. So, with that said...I'm going to hide for a bit. Lick my wounds and hopefully come back with a bit more resilience. Add another layer to the shell.

On this day in history...

Here I am yet again celebrating the birth of an another amazing person. My beautiful Elizabeth Grace. Probably the wisest 6 year old you will ever have the pleasure to meet. She's a watcher. She will know if you're worth her time before she gives you a second of it. And she is quite possibly the best judge of character I have ever met.

She takes no bull. Not from me, her dad or her brother and sisters. She doesn't think twice about telling you that your butt does indeed look fat in those jeans. Or that your hair looks stupid. She applies make up with more precision than most grown women and can accessorize like a fashionista.

She is incredibly kind and loving. She feels the pain that others feel. She is the first to ask for, and offer, forgiveness. She gives 100% of her heart to those that have earned it.

When she was born we had decided to call her Grace. I always loved the name and wanted that to be hers. But it became apparent from the get go that she was not a Grace but a Biz. She is tough but gentle. Course but kind. Strong but soft. She's my Bizzy Bop. And I adore her.

I started playing this song as soon as we got in the car to bring her home, and even though she didn't end up a Gracie it still became her song. Whenever she was upset we could play it for her and she would calm down. Even now she'll ask me to play her song for her when we're in the car.



Happy Birthday my beautiful Angel and total hard ass!!!

Four years ago today...

I created perfection. Just me all by myself. That was the day my little Maddi angel was born. Easy pregnancy, easy delivery and easy baby. She gave new meaning to ending on a good note. This little girl is as sweet as they come. Precocious? Yes. Stubborn as heck? Yes. Spoiled beyond belief? Possibly. But as sweet and cute as they come.

She really is my angel. She gives me cuddles and love whenever I need them. She always makes me laugh with her silliness. And the sound of that sweet little voice saying, "I love you, Mama", always makes me smile. If I leave for a weekend she always asks, "Are you gonna miss your Monkey Butt?" I love it. And I love that she loves me.

We have a special bond, her and I, maybe it's because she's my clone. She looks like me. Thinks like me. Manipulates to get her way like me. They always say that your parents pleasure is when their children have a child just like them to see what they had to go through. Well, my parents were DAMN lucky, cause if I was like Mads then I pretty much rocked. She's my sweetie. My special, as she calls herself.

I love you Mads. You give me strength to keep up the fight.






















































Even if your favorite song is retarded.





Love, Momma