A Dark Cloud...

Do you ever feel like you are covered by a dark cloud? Occasionally, the sun will break through and throw a little bit of light your way. But it always comes creeping back. And it's not necessarily anything that happens. I have a problem with thinking. I wish I could stop. Stop thinking. Stop remembering. Stop asking 'what if?'

I've had a few relationships over the past two years that have failed and I keep going back to them and wondering where I went wrong. The first was me trying to do what I thought was the right thing. I backed away in hopes of keeping a family in tact. That wasn't what my counterpart wanted and decided that if it couldn't be his terms it couldn't be anything. The second, well, I'm tired of talking about that one. I'll never understand it. And I'll probably never make peace with it. The third, and this is the one I've been thinking about today, was entirely my fault. There was a disagreement and instead of accepting where I was wrong and saying I was sorry, I let my pride get in the way. I found every excuse in the book to justify my behavior. I look back on it now, and I was intentionally trying to push this person away. I have an extreme fear of losing my independence. I lived in a box for a lot of years being someone I wasn't just to make someone else happy. And the fear of being in that position again is so overwhelming it almost drowns me. The second reason is because I wanted to see how easily he would let me go.

After the first two relationships failed I began questioning myself. What was I doing wrong? Did I expect to much and not give enough? Why is it that a person could tell me that they loved me yet walk away from me so easily? Was it a personality flaw? Or am I just that forgettable? I wanted someone to say "I love you and you're worth the fight. You can't push me away.' Needless to say, he didn't. He just turned and walked away too. So, I guess my little experiment worked. Just not in the way that I had hoped. I do know that they all failed because of me. I'm the only common denominator. I just haven't quite figured out what it is about me yet that makes it so easy for people to leave.

All of these people have been attracted to me for the same reasons. I'm funny, flirty, independent, say what's on my mind, strong. (Their words, not mine.) But once in a relationship they don't want these qualities anymore. They suddenly become a threat. And I don't know how to make these fit into the "relationship box" without giving up some of who I am. I know myself. And when I am committed to a person. I am committed. And I guess I don't like that questioned because someone is suddenly uncomfortable with the qualities that attracted them to me in the first place. It seems a little unfair. But maybe I'm just making excuses again. It seems likely that I am.

Hopefully the cloud will pass over me for good one day. Until then I guess I'll just keep to myself and learn how to function in the dark.