I Never Said It Would Be Easy....

I'm not very good with face to face communication.  It's a horrible thing to be afraid of, but I am.    When my feelings get hurt or I get irritated, I'll smile and then send you a text when you're well out of my face.  I don't like confrontation but in the same turn there are some things that just need to be said.  I know I'm not the only person that struggles with this.  It's hard to tell someone that they've hurt you or that their personality is annoying as hell.  Unfortunately, I also struggle with the flip side.  I have a hard time telling people how much I love and appreciate them as well.  Which, I think, is a bit weird.  It seems like that should be something I would enjoy.  Making people feel good.  But for some reason I get embarrassed and flustered and just make a mess of it.  And this is why I write.  I'm much better at it.  I like being able to think about what I'm going to say and be able to delete it when it doesn't come out right.  Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to carry the same weight as looking someone in the eye and telling them you love them but it's the best I can do.

With that said, my brand spankin' new awesome husband has been feeling a bit unappreciated the last few weeks.  We've just moved into a new home and are trying to not only settle into the house, but adjust the four kids to their new home and life.  There's a lot of carpooling, activities, late nights and cold dinners being had by us with everything going on.  Sometimes I forget that I have 14 years of experience in a marriage and 13 years as a parent that he doesn't have and I get frustrated that he doesn't do things the way I think he should.  I take his being overwhelmed by everything as a reflection of what I'm doing and start thinking that I'm a bad wife and that all the stuff I do isn't enough.  It's a horrible cycle that came to a crashing halt with me screaming and crying and slamming doors and acting like a giant baby last night. He didn't handle it very well at first because all of us women know that we want to be coddled and chased and told that they can't live without us.  What we don't realize is that men don't know that.  Men know that they are supposed to be stubborn and tough and "not stand for such nonsense".  Ultimately, it ended with me crying in his lap and us sharing how we've felt over the last few weeks like real grown ups.  Imagine that.

Anywho...the point is that for someone who has come in and taken on a wife, 4 kids, 2 dogs and a brand new house; he's doing a damn good job.  A lot better than most with half as much on their plates. He's great with the kids.  I think they may actually like him more than me. He works his ass off so that I don't have to, and then he doesn't tell me about things that he thinks are going to stress me out and doesn't sleep for a week because he's so stressed which actually stresses me out more because I'm very aware that he's stressed out about something, not sleeping and not telling me about it.  I like to throw in the occasional run on sentence just for fun. :)  He unloads the dishwasher, helps with carpool and homework and occasionally makes dinner. And I still get all tingly when he kisses me. I was happy to find out that doesn't go away when you get married.

Marriage is hard.  No matter how much in love the two people are.  Life gets in the way and it's important to remember to make time for each other and keep fostering the things that brought you together in the first place.  So that means, from time to time, you'll see blog posts like this.  And Patrick will get cards on his pillow.  Cause that's how I roll.

I love you, babe.  I'm glad you're mine and I'm gonna hold onto you forever.  You make me better and I know that we can do anything as long as we're together.  You'll always have my heart.
Even if I act like a giant baby and storm out of the house.



....I only said it would be worth it.