A Brutal Truth

I posed a question, mainly to myself, yesterday.  I wonder why we try to be good and kind and honest when people don't see us that way at all and we end up apologizing and explaining our intentions?  We do it because we're told that it's right.  We need to be politically and socially correct.  We don't want to hurt any feelings.  I guess there are a lot of reasons why we do it.  There was a time when I would blog on a weekly basis.  I used this blog as a way to express my feelings.  Feelings that I felt I couldn't share with anyone else.  Why?  Because I didn't want to hurt anyone.  I felt like if I put them out there in an ambiguous way I'd be safe from ridicule or persecution.  Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way.  Everything I wrote, or felt, was turned and used as a weapon against me later.  So I stopped writing.  I kept everything inside.  I learned that, at least for me, my feelings didn't matter.  That if I felt hurt or sad I needed to bury it because putting it out there might hurt someone else and they mattered a lot more than I did.

This post isn't about my feelings.  It's about a realization that I had.  I realized that the reason why I have this constant war in myself is because I am trying to be good and kind and honest and that's not who I am.  That's why I am constantly filled with shame and guilt.  Why I am constantly apologizing and wondering why people assume the worst in me.  You can't fool people forever.  Eventually who you truly are will shine through.  I think it has in me for a while.   They assume the worst in me because that's who I am.  So, I'm done asking for the benefit of the doubt and I'm done giving it.  I'm done thinking that people should be on "my side" when it hits the fan because I am just left disappointed.  I may not be good, kind or honest, but I'm not scared to stand alone either. I know it may not seem like it because I try to surround myself with people, but the truth of the matter is, just like they see through me I can see through them and I've known for a while just how alone I am.  I am a fiercely loyal person and it's been hard for me to acknowledge that, but it  has actually just left me questioning myself and I can't do that anymore.  I need to be the one to stand up for me.

So assume the worst.  Side with others.  Question my motives and intent.  You're probably right to do it, but know that I'll be doing the same thing to you.