The Luckiest

I know two posts in two days is unheard of by me, but every now and again I just have stuff to say.  And this is pretty important stuff.  Almost every night when we go to bed Patrick hugs me and says "you mean the world to me".  I always just smile and hug him back because I don't have anything to say that can even come close to that without sounding completely stupid.  I know I have stuff inside me that is on that same level, but there just aren't words, or I'm not smart enough to know them, that can actually say how I feel.

So, I decided to say it with song. Because I'm better at that anyway.




I know it's not a competition, but I totally win.  And I'm absolutely the luckiest.

I love you, babe.

"...Send Me Away With The Words Of A Love Song...'

The first couple of times I heard this song I thought it was a pretty morbid thing to sing about.  Now that I've heard it several times, I can't help but love it.  It makes me wonder how I would be remembered.  What have I done in my life that would be worth celebrating?  Unfortunately, I don't come up with very much.  I have four beautiful kids that I'm pretty proud of, but if I'm honest I'm only mediocre at being a mom.  I'm a pretty good friend, but even that only extends to a handful of people.  While I was thinking about my friends the other day I wondered if any of them could even tell me what my favorite song is.  I don't think any of them could.  It's probably because I don't talk much.  I don't open up to people.  I don't trust.  I just don't.  It keeps me safe.

So,  in an effort of future preservation I wanted to take a few minutes to tell you about me.  My favorite color is pink.  Not for any particular reason.  It doesn't make me think of cotton candy or the womb or anything.  Maybe it's because I'm not an overly feminine person.  I wouldn't even classify myself as pretty.  I'm just an average girl with dyed hair and stretch marks from giving birth to four children.  And for some reason, pink makes me feel pretty.  Probably stupid but it does.

My favorite quote is by Audrey Hepburn..."For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."  I try to do these things as much as possible.  The last is the hardest by far.  Although, I struggle with speaking ONLY words of kindness too.  I say a lot of terrible things.  About myself and about others.  

I believe in God.  I may not consider myself a religious person, but I like to think that there is someone out there looking out for me.  And, I like having something to have faith in.  It makes it easier to have faith in a lot of other things as well.   Like love.  I have faith that it can overcome most anything if people are willing to try and not give up.  I also have faith that no one will actually read this blog post either.

I love my kids.  I love Maddis giggle and how her smile touches her eyes.  I love how Biz is so concerned about my feelings and how she always wants to cuddle me.  I love the pictures and notes Lilly draws for me. She is so thoughtful and kind.  And I love how Nathan tries so hard to protect me.  I love them all.

I love my husband.  I love how blue his eyes get when he's in the sun.  And I love the way he snuggles into my chest at night.  And I love the way his hair smells.  I love the way he holds me so tight that sometimes it's hard to breath.

And last but not least....My favorite song is A Dustland Fairytale by The Killers.  Those who know the song and it's background and meaning understand why.  Those that don't...well...it's just a really great love song.

I Never Said It Would Be Easy....

I'm not very good with face to face communication.  It's a horrible thing to be afraid of, but I am.    When my feelings get hurt or I get irritated, I'll smile and then send you a text when you're well out of my face.  I don't like confrontation but in the same turn there are some things that just need to be said.  I know I'm not the only person that struggles with this.  It's hard to tell someone that they've hurt you or that their personality is annoying as hell.  Unfortunately, I also struggle with the flip side.  I have a hard time telling people how much I love and appreciate them as well.  Which, I think, is a bit weird.  It seems like that should be something I would enjoy.  Making people feel good.  But for some reason I get embarrassed and flustered and just make a mess of it.  And this is why I write.  I'm much better at it.  I like being able to think about what I'm going to say and be able to delete it when it doesn't come out right.  Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to carry the same weight as looking someone in the eye and telling them you love them but it's the best I can do.

With that said, my brand spankin' new awesome husband has been feeling a bit unappreciated the last few weeks.  We've just moved into a new home and are trying to not only settle into the house, but adjust the four kids to their new home and life.  There's a lot of carpooling, activities, late nights and cold dinners being had by us with everything going on.  Sometimes I forget that I have 14 years of experience in a marriage and 13 years as a parent that he doesn't have and I get frustrated that he doesn't do things the way I think he should.  I take his being overwhelmed by everything as a reflection of what I'm doing and start thinking that I'm a bad wife and that all the stuff I do isn't enough.  It's a horrible cycle that came to a crashing halt with me screaming and crying and slamming doors and acting like a giant baby last night. He didn't handle it very well at first because all of us women know that we want to be coddled and chased and told that they can't live without us.  What we don't realize is that men don't know that.  Men know that they are supposed to be stubborn and tough and "not stand for such nonsense".  Ultimately, it ended with me crying in his lap and us sharing how we've felt over the last few weeks like real grown ups.  Imagine that.

Anywho...the point is that for someone who has come in and taken on a wife, 4 kids, 2 dogs and a brand new house; he's doing a damn good job.  A lot better than most with half as much on their plates. He's great with the kids.  I think they may actually like him more than me. He works his ass off so that I don't have to, and then he doesn't tell me about things that he thinks are going to stress me out and doesn't sleep for a week because he's so stressed which actually stresses me out more because I'm very aware that he's stressed out about something, not sleeping and not telling me about it.  I like to throw in the occasional run on sentence just for fun. :)  He unloads the dishwasher, helps with carpool and homework and occasionally makes dinner. And I still get all tingly when he kisses me. I was happy to find out that doesn't go away when you get married.

Marriage is hard.  No matter how much in love the two people are.  Life gets in the way and it's important to remember to make time for each other and keep fostering the things that brought you together in the first place.  So that means, from time to time, you'll see blog posts like this.  And Patrick will get cards on his pillow.  Cause that's how I roll.

I love you, babe.  I'm glad you're mine and I'm gonna hold onto you forever.  You make me better and I know that we can do anything as long as we're together.  You'll always have my heart.
Even if I act like a giant baby and storm out of the house.



....I only said it would be worth it.

My Beautiful Boy

I haven't had the internet for a bit as we have been moving into our new house so this is the first chance I've had to blog.  While we were "disconnected"  my baby boy turned 13.  I can't believe that I have a teenager.  Not because I'm not old enough to because, let's be honest, I'm totally old enough to, but because of how fast he has grown.  It seems like just yesterday he was sitting in that cardboard box that he loved playing with his toys and watching Elmos world.

Nathan was such a beautiful baby and I'm sure most of you will agree that he's a pretty good looking kid.  He totally gets that from me.  He was always so smart.  He could write his name at 18 months old.  Pretty impressive, I know.  And he has just gotten smarter over the years.  We're to the point now where I have to regularly use Google to check his homework.  He has always been very self sufficient.  He gets up on his own, does his homework without being asked and does his chores with minimal nagging.  He is just a good kid.

I've always felt I had a special bond with him.  Maybe it's because he was my first baby.  We had lots of time together.  People used to tell me I was going to spoil him, and I did a little, because I would never put him down.  When he would sleep I would hold him.  When he was awake I would play with him and snuggle him.  He was, and still is, my world.  I watched Somewhere in Time about 30 times between the hours of midnight and 4 am when I would wake up with him at night.  Never start to finish, but I'm pretty sure I finally saw the whole movie.  We were always together.  He still climbs up into my lap and tells me he wants cuddle time before bed.  He weighs about the same as he did then so it's really not a problem.

He loves his mom.  He's very loyal and loving.  He hates it when I hurt.  Because of these things I KNOW that he is going to be a great husband some day.  He's going to find someone and give her the world.  And if she hurts my boy, I will kill her dead.  Twice.

Anyway...as we enter the teenage years I want my baby to know that I love him and that I'm always here for him.  That he can always tell me anything and he will never be judged.  I will always do my best to give him good advice and to be a good mom and friend to him.  I love you forever my handsome little man.

Happy 13th Birthday Nathan.  Love, Mom

Haters Gon' Hate

And that's ok by me.

I love who I am. I think that I have a lot to offer. If you can't hang with that, be on your merry way. Here's a song that sums up how I feel.If people knew the half of it, they'd think I was completely amazing. Also- the shoes MUST be favalous...

I don't really need to say much more. Dave and the boys  say it all for me. Every word is just perfect.

Dark Side

I've wanted to do a post for a while now, but I just haven't had the time or the inspiration.  But I'm sort of feeling it today so we'll see how it works out.  Many of you know that I have this weird obsession with Kelly Clarkson.  I don't know what it is really.  I have a great appreciation for people who can actually sing and since we first saw her doing it live, I know she can.  I think it may stem a little from the fact that I got sucked into the American Idol craze when it first started.  You see, I once thought I was a really good singer.  Sang in high school and in college and I thought I wanted to teach music when I finally grew up.  But instead, I became a mom, stopped singing, except bed time lullabies and lost it.  It's not like riding a bike.  If you don't use your voice, it goes away to a degree.  Kind of sad really.  But anyway...that's not what this post is about.

Here's the beautiful thing about life.  You get to grow.  You get to learn from mistakes, make changes and move on.  Some of us have deep rooted issues that cause us to continually make the same mistakes over and over again and take a little more time to overcome.  So here's another beautiful thing...sometimes we get lucky enough to find someone who loves us enough to help us overcome those things.  Someone who doesn't exploit your faults for their gain.  Someone who doesn't make you feel inferior to them because of your weaknesses.  Someone who loves you in spite of them.  Someone who makes you better just by being there with you.

I am one of those people.  I got stuff in my soul that would scare the boogeyman. I struggle with honesty.  More with myself than others, but them too.  I struggle with standing up for myself.  It's easier for me to just let other people win and take advantage of me than to cause a fight.  I have absolutely no confidence in anything that I am or anything that I do.  Because of this, I am easily swayed from what should be deep rooted convictions. I stay loyal to people I shouldn't for far too long hoping for changes.  Convincing myself I'm being a good friend by being taken advantage of.  It's ridiculous really the extents I will go for the wrong people.

Anyway...that's just a thin layer of my dysfunction, but luckily, I found Patrick.  When we first started dating I had concerns about our difference of opinion in just about everything.  But my sweet friend Rebecca put things in perspective for me.  She said, "We (meaning Mormons) have this image ingrained in our heads that the only good people are LDS.  He's not LDS and look at how great he is and how much better you are with him.  That's all that matters really."  And she was right.  Being in love with a person is so much more than common ground.  It's about lifting each other and encouraging them to be their best self.  Accepting differences and finding ways to make it work in spite of them. It's about those moments when you're just together and nothing else around you matters. It's about looking deep in someones soul and saying that's scary, but I'm going in anyway.

 So, with all that said,  I love you Patrick.  I'm so glad you're mine.  And I'm even more glad my crazy didn't scare you away.  :)

Ain't We All Just Runaways?

My boys are back!

I am so excited to hear this song today! I woke up early thinking I'd go back to sleep after hearing the premier on KROQ. I was wrong. I couldn't have gone back to sleep if I tried. I know I'm not the most impartial judge when it comes to The Killers, but it is my firm opinion that if this song doesn't grab you SOMEWHERE, you are heartless. This is a galloping love song that sweeps you up in romance and the story of true love as it waxes and wanes over the years. Amazing.

I'm so very proud of my boys for making such a strong comeback. Battleborn- the long awaited (and reportedly difficult) album will be released in the US on September 18, 2012. From what I've heard... It's worth the almost 4 year wait. Thanks guys, for making music we can be proud to listen to.

That is all I have to say.



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