A Brutal Truth

I posed a question, mainly to myself, yesterday.  I wonder why we try to be good and kind and honest when people don't see us that way at all and we end up apologizing and explaining our intentions?  We do it because we're told that it's right.  We need to be politically and socially correct.  We don't want to hurt any feelings.  I guess there are a lot of reasons why we do it.  There was a time when I would blog on a weekly basis.  I used this blog as a way to express my feelings.  Feelings that I felt I couldn't share with anyone else.  Why?  Because I didn't want to hurt anyone.  I felt like if I put them out there in an ambiguous way I'd be safe from ridicule or persecution.  Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way.  Everything I wrote, or felt, was turned and used as a weapon against me later.  So I stopped writing.  I kept everything inside.  I learned that, at least for me, my feelings didn't matter.  That if I felt hurt or sad I needed to bury it because putting it out there might hurt someone else and they mattered a lot more than I did.

This post isn't about my feelings.  It's about a realization that I had.  I realized that the reason why I have this constant war in myself is because I am trying to be good and kind and honest and that's not who I am.  That's why I am constantly filled with shame and guilt.  Why I am constantly apologizing and wondering why people assume the worst in me.  You can't fool people forever.  Eventually who you truly are will shine through.  I think it has in me for a while.   They assume the worst in me because that's who I am.  So, I'm done asking for the benefit of the doubt and I'm done giving it.  I'm done thinking that people should be on "my side" when it hits the fan because I am just left disappointed.  I may not be good, kind or honest, but I'm not scared to stand alone either. I know it may not seem like it because I try to surround myself with people, but the truth of the matter is, just like they see through me I can see through them and I've known for a while just how alone I am.  I am a fiercely loyal person and it's been hard for me to acknowledge that, but it  has actually just left me questioning myself and I can't do that anymore.  I need to be the one to stand up for me.

So assume the worst.  Side with others.  Question my motives and intent.  You're probably right to do it, but know that I'll be doing the same thing to you.

Super Awesome Resolution and Theme Song Post. YAY!!!

It's that time of year again.  You know the one where we all make ridiculous goals that we never keep and end up feeling like crap about it later.  This year I decided to only set one ridiculous goal and a bunch of achievable ones.  This way at the end of the year I can feel totally successful in my endeavors.  This is also the time of the year where I like to choose my theme song.  Sometimes it's hard for me to pick one, but not this year.  I already know it.  It already makes me smile every time I hear it.  Mainly because I have been thinking about these achievable goals for a bit now and I'm pretty excited for them.  So...here they go...

I have been told over and over that I am a peacemaker.  I think that when most people hear that their first reaction would be well that's a good thing.  And it is for the most part.  As long as bringing peace doesn't mean you back down from everything you know is right.  Or say things to ease the blow.  Or take all the burden on yourself so others won't have to face it.  This is what I do.  Instead of standing up and sometimes making other people angry, I back down.  Every time.  It never fails.  I have literally kept myself awake at night thinking of something different to say other than what actually needs to be said so that someone won't be mad.  I'm not doing that anymore.  Sometimes crap happens.  Sometimes people make a mistake.  Sometimes people are deliberate jerk faces.  Whatever it is it needs to be faced.  And I'm not going to be scared anymore.  If my apology isn't enough for you when I offer it, not my problem.  If I'm a deliberate jerk face, then I should face the consequences of that as well.  So achievable goal number one...stand up for myself and my actions.

I had a realization the other day while going through some old facebook statuses using the timeline feature...I'm funny.  Like really funny.  Over the last few years, because of stuff in my life, I've kind of lost that.  I've been sad and angry and a bit bitter.  I like funny me better.  Yes, I've been through a lot of stuff, but I've had so many amazing wonderful things happen over the last year that the bad stuff seems pretty small at this point.  I'm helping no one by being sad and angry so I'm done.  For good.  It's kind of a great feeling to let go and not look bad. So consider this a warning to you all...no one is safe from my sarcasm. No. One.  Achievable goal number two...Stacys gonna get her funny back.

I have had so many changes happen over the last year that I've had a hard time getting back into a routine.  I was just complaining to a friend today that I can never keep my house clean.  And those of you who know me fairly well know that I like my house clean.  I function much better that way.  But for some reason, I just haven't been able to keep a handle on it since moving here in September.  For a while, I was saying that I just realized that other things were more important than cleaning.  And that is true to an extent.  But like I said earlier, I function better in a clean house.  I am a better mom when I'm not worrying about stuff I have to do because it's already done.  I'm a better wife when I have a menu and a grocery list and I make the meals on that menu.  Why?  Because I like order.  Achievable goal number three...I'm gonna get my house back in order.  The way that it should be.  With me walking around with my cape and tiara while vacuuming, folding laundry, making homemade bread, helping with homework, giving baths and balancing the national budget all at once.  So actually...achievable goal number three...I'm gonna get my super mom back.

I've spent most of my life living for someone else.  I'm a mom so that's expected and that's not going to change.  What is going to change is how I view the things going on around me.  I'm going to make a conscious effort to find the beauty and good things in my life.  And no, this isn't my unachievable goal.  I actually think this is going to be the easiest one of all.  Why?  Because I have a lot to be grateful for.  I've been able to work out a lot of things over the last few months.  I know Patrick gets irritated with me because he's always asking me what I'm thinking about and I always say nothing.  So here's the answer to what I've been thinking about for the last few months.  I'm a good person.  I make mistakes.  A lot of them.  But that's okay because I have learned so much.  I've learned how to listen. Really listen to what is important.  Not all the fluff that people say to cover up their true intentions.   I've learned how to laugh again.  I remember how good that feels.  To laugh so hard you start crying and can't stop.  I've learned how to love again.  Without holding anything back.  To be completely vulnerable and not afraid of rejection.   I've learned what it really means to be a friend. And to have a friend.  That people who are your friends don't need your constant validation.  Aren't easily offended because they know you and love you in spite of yourself.  I've learned that even though it's hard and that there may be some residual fall back, cutting toxic people out of your love can be so freeing.  I've learned that I don't have to respond to every accusation, lie or question of character that is thrown in my path.  I've learned that this is my life.  And the only person that I have to answer for or to is myself.  I am the only one who can set my path and I'm the only one who is responsible for it so I need to live in a way that will make ME proud.  If I do that the people that truly matter will be proud too.  Achievable goal number four...Catch my breath.




Unachievable goal number one...be super excited to go to the gym every day.  Eat a healthy diet.  Lose all this stupid weight.  Being super excited is the unachievable part.  I'll do the other stuff, but you better believe I'll be complaining the entire time.

Let The Monsters See You Smile...

I don't really have a lot to say.  I just wanted to share a song and a thought.

I know it's simple and a cartoon, but after the Grinch stole everything from the Whos he stood up on his mountain excited to hear them weeping and wailing.  He wanted his crime to be validated by sadness and despair.  But what happened instead?  The Whos came out of their homes, they all took each others hands and they started to sing.  Their song was one of peace and love.  The Grinch lost.  He got no publicity.  He got no validation for his crime.  He was alone.

I think, that maybe, we should follow the example of the Whos.




"Let the monsters see you smile.  Let them see you smiling.  ...Life is beautiful.  Our hearts, they beat and break..."

Happy Birthday Layney!!!

Once upon a time, that makes it a long time ago,  we were all blessed, and should give honor and thanks, because of the birth of a baby.  That baby grew up and become the wonderful person that is Layney.  She was a bit of a rebellious teenager.  But she's totally paying for that now with two teenage girls of her own.  Hahahahahahahahahahah.... Oh, and she has to go to girls camp.  And anyone who knows Layne knows that Layne doesn't do "roughing it".  But I digress...she loved boys, clothes, make up.  All the girl things.  But most of all, she loved music.  It was that love of music that brought us together.

Oddly, Layne and I met at girls camp.  We were sitting around a picnic table with a bunch of other girls talking about the latest pop stars and their cheesy new songs and Layne says..."My favorite song is Reel Around the Fountain."  Everyone looked at her like she was stupid because they obviously had no idea what she was talking about, except pour moi.  And I responded with "My favorite song is There is a Light that Never Goes Out." Then someone got stung by a bee on the lip, but we've been friends ever since.

Now,  we've been known to have entire conversations using nothing but lyrics from Killers songs.  I'm not sure if I should be proud or super embarrassed by that, but I'll tell you it can be done.   I consider myself lucky to have her as one of closest, dearest and OLDEST friends.  She has brought an immense amount of fun and laughter into my life.  She sat by my side through some of the hardest things I've ever had to do and didn't flinch while I was falling apart.  We've had our moments of displeasure with each other, like all friends do, but in the end none of that matters because the good that we have brought to each other far outweighs any of the bad.

I love you, my sweet and favalous friend.  I hope you have a most excellent day, dude.

My Super Awesome Annual Christmas Post

Yes, it's here.  The post you've all been waiting for.   The annual Christmas countdown post.  I'm a bit disheartened because one of the songs I was super excited about I can't find a good video for, but we'll make do.  

I love Christmas.  Everyone knows it.  I'm not ashamed.  I start listening to Christmas music (in secret) usually before Halloween.  I start listening to it publicly on November 1.  One thing I've noticed, that is a little annoying about the music industry, is that when I go back to listening to normal music, after all that time, the radio stations are still playing the same songs they were before I stopped.  I don't get that.  I'm sure Taylor Swift probably made 5 albums in those two months.  Anyway...I just needed to put that out there.

Now,  I've been thinking a lot the last few weeks about what Christmas is to me.  We spend so much time being stressed out about what to buy people and if they will like it or if it will fit and how we're going to pay off the credit card bill after.  I wish I could say I didn't do that, but I have 4 kids so of course I do.  I think the thing that may be a little bit different about me, and I'm sure lots of other people,  is that I actually enjoy going out and buying things.  I wish I had the means to do more.  I wish I could buy a gift for everyone that I love.  Sadly, that's not the case.  When I walk through stores I don't get irritated.  I don't get mad at people or long lines.  Instead I try to make it fun.  I'm so grateful that I can actually be there when there are so many who can't. It really is a blessing to be able to go out and get things for your family.  I was explaining to Patrick how a family had set up a perimeter around the toy section with their carts.  He thinks I'm silly, but it's true, that's what you do.  I like to laugh at the dads who are stuck "guarding" the carts and purses while the moms decide if their daughters want the barbie with purple hair or glittery pink toe nails.  That one decision can make or break Christmas morning so you don't take it lightly.

When you have kids these things are important.  I know we all try to teach our kids to not be materialistic.  We try to teach them that this isn't what Christmas is about.  We try to teach them to be grateful and giving.  And I'm sure that they lessons sink in a little bit at a time, but let's be honest, when you're 7 years old Christmas is about waking up to magical world of candy and toys. I think we need to take those individual opportunities to teach our children the meaning of Christmas, but also not get upset that they are eyeballing that giant present like a lion about to pounce.  I think we need to enjoy watching how excited they get when Santa was able to "make" Frankie Stein even though she was sold out in every freaking store across America.  I think we need to turn a blind eye when they eat their weight in Hersheys Kisses and Candy Canes before 9 am.  You know, since they've been up for 6 hours already anyway.

I have this book of stories that we read to the kids each night from December 1 until Christmas Eve.  They all try to teach what Christmas is about.  Giving instead of receiving.  Serving others.  Being grateful.  Remembering the reason why we celebrate this holiday in general.  My kids all sit quietly and listen to me read.  Sometimes it takes 5 minutes.  Sometimes it takes 30.  But they sit and listen, and I know that even though the first thing that they say when I put the book away is "I hope I get a thousand presents."  that they heard what I said.  And in time, they will understand and how many gifts they get will become less and less important.  But for now, they are kids.

Okay...that's my Christmas lesson for the year.  Now here are my songs.  I'm gonna start with this one.  I like Ryan Shupe and The Rubber Band.  They have an awesome banjo player and the banjo makes me happy.  And in this case, Mr.  Ryan Shupe would be playing the "fiddle", not the violin.  Just sayin'  That's how it works.  Also,  they threw in a line from Gilligans Island and it makes me laugh.  Just like the Barenaked Ladies singing "Jingle Bells batman smells" makes me laugh.  Classic.

There are a few bands that make me think of my Bumpa.  Alabama is one of them.  So, I will always love them no matter what.  Alabamas Christmas was a staple in our house.  We'd listen to it while decorating.  I never get sick of it.  I have listened to this album on repeat for days while baking or decorating or wrapping gifts.  I always think about fun things from growing up. Baking and making crafts with my mom.  Fighting over which one of us kids is going to inherit the Super Bear ornament.  It totally better be me or I'm gonna be super mad.  My mom yelling at us kids for eating all the gingerbread men on the tree when it was actually the dog.  Being so excited when we'd get a dusting of snow in Virginia so they would cancel school.  I would just like to repeat what I've said in years past.  Country music is acceptable at Christmas.  Don't judge me.

This next song is probably my favorite one for the year.  I always have one that sticks with me every year.  I love the message of this song.  Especially since I met Patrick.  He used to say that he hated Christmas.  When I asked him why he would say that it annoyed him that people needed to have a holiday to be decent.  And although I agree with him,  I figured you should take what you can get from people.  That doesn't have to be how we live.  And I think, for me personally,  I get more from being good to others than having them be good to me.  I know there's a Julie Andrews version, but I like this one better.  They sing pretty.

I don't need a reason to love this one.  It's just fabulouso.  But I did notice that The Cheetah Girls did a remake of it if anyone is interested.  

I like marshmallows.  Happy Christmas

For My Husband

Sometimes things are better kept private between two people.  This is not one of those times.  This is one of those times where I need to scream how I feel in a public forum.  So here it goes...


Patrick,


I love you because you go to work every morning even though you say you hate your job.  I know I pick on you because you're at a desk and tell you that you don't do anything.  BUT...I know EXACTLY what you do for our family.  Well, not exactly because your job confuses me, but I know that you work hard for us.  And I love you for that.

I love you because you unload the dishwasher, and clean up dog poop and clean the toilets.  When in reality you could say...I go to work all week this is your job.  But you don't.  You do it because you love me and want to help me.

I love you because you add logic to my erratic emotion.  Sometimes I don't like it, but I understand why you do it.  So I don't act like a retard more often than I need to.

I love you because you lay on the floor and play with the dogs even though they smell and eat poop.

I love you because you roll over every morning after the alarm goes off and pull me into your chest. Even if it's just for a few minutes. That's probably my favorite spot in the whole world.
Everything is good there.

I love you because you pick up Nathan and drive to orchestra so that I don't have to.

I love you because you see people for who they really are well before I do.

I love you because you see who I really am and still love me in spite of it.

I love you because you accept my faults.  And instead of hiding and pretending they aren't there you tell me what they are and are willing to wait while I work on them.

I love you because you always ask if I want ice cream.  Even though you know I have no business eating it right now.

I love you because you reach across the couch and take my hand even when I'm trying to be all distant for no particular reason. That falls squarely in the "fault" category.  But it's mainly because I want you to reach across the couch and take my hand.

I love you because you make me laugh even when I don't want to.  And sometimes when it's entirely inappropriate.

I love you because you're so damn cute.  I know it annoys you when I stare at you, but I can't help it.  I like your face.  A lot.

I love you because you're so much smarter than me.  Actually, I hate that.  But I accept it as part of who you are.

I love you because you love our family.  Except the cats.  I love watching the girls, and Nathan,  crawl into your lap and snuggle with you.  I love opening their planners and seeing homework signed off by you.  I love when you have to come out of the bedroom 20 different times to find out whose underwear you're folding.

I love that you can lift heavy things, take off lids, and reach stuff that I can't.

I love you because you're so sweet and wonderful under all that hard exterior.

I just love you.

That's all.



Your Wife.

UGH!!!!!!!!!

You know how there are those certain artists that get so overplayed that you just hate them no matter what? Well, Taylor Swift is that artist for me. I actually liked her back in the day for a few months.  But now it seems that she has a new song out every 3 or 4 days and for some reason it just really bugs me.  Maybe it's because I'm 36 years old and I have no business singing WE EEEEE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER at the top of my lungs like a love sick angry 16 year old.  Or maybe it's because she's ridiculously cute and thin and blond and can buy 1000 pairs of jeans from the Buckle and not have to wonder if she has enough money to cover it. Or maybe it's because I know that Patrick used to have a crush on her. Even though he swears he didn't, he totally did. Or maybe it's because she writes all her own songs and is super talented and I'm not.  I don't know, but she bugs me.

So put all that disdain and roll it up with her singing a song with Gary Lightbody, who I totally loved before she was probably even born and I'm pretty sure he sang The Finish Line only to me when I saw him in Houston, and well...I just love it.  I can't help it.  Layne and I have an agreement that we would never tell anyone else that we like it, but I couldn't help myself.  I reeeeeally like it.  A lot of times.  So sorry Layne, but now everyone knows that you like Taylor Swift.  The end.