Another Year Gone

As we close out another year it's hard not to reflect on the things that have happened during it. Quite frankly, I had a pretty craptastic year. Of course there were good times mingled in but it seems that most of my year was filled with heartache. But one thing that I have learned, and maybe it's a learned behavior and not innate, but we can choose the memories we wish to keep with us.

I spent a lot of that year trying to get someone to return the love and devotion I gave to them. I learned that you can't do that. You can't force someone to do something that they are unwilling to do no matter how right it may feel. I began to look at it as a reflection of myself and whether I was worthy to receive what I was so willing to give. It pushed me into a really dark place for a long time. I was alone and had become a terrible mother because I was so wrapped up in myself that I couldn't focus on my kids. One day my 3 year old, Maddi, asked me if I was ever going to stop being sad and smile again. It was at that point that I realized it was time to pull myself back up. To be a good mother to my kids and be there for my friends who needed me. And it was at this point that I realized that I had only been focusing on the negative aspects of that relationship. That there were so many good things that I could smile about. Like having to be fed sushi the first time I ever ate it because I couldn't use the chopsticks. I still can't. I eat it with a fork. And watching old movies. And laughing at nothing for hours. These are the memories I choose to keep. It still makes me sad because of the amazing friendship that was lost, but at least now I can smile too. And mainly I smile because of the depth of love that I feel for this person still, no matter how bad things went, that will never change. Ever.

Luckily for me, I had a couple of saviors in my life. Some dear friends that came to my rescue. Who gave me good advice, and let me cry on their laps, and listened to the same things over and over again while I tried to work things out in my head, and let me come stay at their houses so that I could lay in the sun like a lizard, and took me on trips and to concerts to help me remember that I still had life in me. And I have a lot of it. And then the one that showed me how to love again. And that I was good at it and deserved it in return.

I have a couple of New Years resolutions. The first is to stop eating so much cheese. At least until I get that villa in France. The second is to go to a concert every single month. Unless all the bands suck. The third is too believe in myself more. And to not compare everything I do now with what has happened in the past. And the fourth is to stay focused on the good in my life now. I don't know how things are going to turn out. None of us do. But I'm going to make the most of what I have.

So here is my song choice to end the year with. Dashboard Confessional, my third all time favorite band who I am seeing on January 11th In The Venue and then I will have seen all three of my favorite bands in concert , Belle of the Boulevard. Now, I'm no Belle by any means. Although I can sing all the words to Little Town from Beauty and the Beast. But this song makes me feel good. It gives me hope. No more tears. Please hold on, It's alright.

Don't turn away
Dry your eyes, dry your eyes
Don't be afraid
Or keep it all inside, all inside
When you fall apart
Dry your eyes, dry your eyes
Life is always hard
For the Belle of the Boulevard