This is how I'm feeling today...

You know what really sucks? Spending years of your life trying to convince yourself that you are independent and self reliant and confident and realizing that you are completely full of shit and that you basically can't survive without the constant validation of other people. Whether it be praise for things you do or how you look or, well, basically any kind word will suffice. But the sad thing is that we never trust the sincerity of people when they do have something good to say. How could they possibly see something that we don't see. We live with ourselves everyday, after all. And what a burden that is to the people around you. It's tiring and life sucking. And eventually they are going pull away or you are going to have guilt for doing it so you push them away and then you end up where you started. Alone. Trying to convince yourself that you can make it without people. It's such a vicious cycle.

Depression is such a debilitating, horrible disease. Especially to a person who normally loves life. And people. Because instead of seeking out things to make us happy, we do the opposite. We internalize and pull away. We say things that we don't mean to push people away. And sadly, most of the time, it works. And the people we care about the most...leave. You feel like an emotional basket case. And you don't know what to expect of yourself and others. Your emotions are constantly in limbo from one extreme to the other. There's no happy medium. And you don't know how to stop it from happening. You wake up one morning and it's just there. You lose faith in everything that is important to you and, frankly, you just don't care. There's no joy. Only darkness. And emptiness. And loneliness.

And that's all. Just alone.