Happy Friggin' Valentines Day

I was perusing the interweb today looking for ideas for Patrick for Valentines Day, and I must say that the people who write these "14 things to get your man for Valentines Day" type articles have the weirdest boyfriends/husbands on the planet. Here are a few things that don't quite embody my love for Patrick.

Yep.   It's a heart shaped paper weight with chalk.   It could be useful.  Holds your papers down in case there's a sudden breeze.  You can write yourself a little note.  Or you can throw it at someones head when you get in a fight.  How'd your wife die again?  I bludgeoned her to death with my wicked lame Valentines gift.  Don't even act like that's not how it wouldn't go down.

  

Okay...If your dude is  gypsy or something, then maybe.  Otherwise, this is just going to stress him out.  He'll be looking at that one line and wondering when he's going to die.  Then he'll look at that other line and think you're cheating. Or he'll think you're calling him a pickle.  Which is just weird. This will not work out well for the giver, believe me.  With the exception of not messing up your coffee table, there is no good that can come from this gift.

They're rocks.  With words on them.  My kids did stuff like this for Mothers Day in Kindergarten.  For free.  Not $59.99 plus shipping and handling.
                                      
I'm sorry.  But if your significant other would wear this then he's a dork.  Or you're dating Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Because nothing says I love you like telling him to go wash his damn face.  You should throw some dental floss in the bag with it.  And some vaseline, just in case.

This year I think I'm going to go with a classic.  A coupon book for sex.  Works every time.