Dark Side

I've wanted to do a post for a while now, but I just haven't had the time or the inspiration.  But I'm sort of feeling it today so we'll see how it works out.  Many of you know that I have this weird obsession with Kelly Clarkson.  I don't know what it is really.  I have a great appreciation for people who can actually sing and since we first saw her doing it live, I know she can.  I think it may stem a little from the fact that I got sucked into the American Idol craze when it first started.  You see, I once thought I was a really good singer.  Sang in high school and in college and I thought I wanted to teach music when I finally grew up.  But instead, I became a mom, stopped singing, except bed time lullabies and lost it.  It's not like riding a bike.  If you don't use your voice, it goes away to a degree.  Kind of sad really.  But anyway...that's not what this post is about.

Here's the beautiful thing about life.  You get to grow.  You get to learn from mistakes, make changes and move on.  Some of us have deep rooted issues that cause us to continually make the same mistakes over and over again and take a little more time to overcome.  So here's another beautiful thing...sometimes we get lucky enough to find someone who loves us enough to help us overcome those things.  Someone who doesn't exploit your faults for their gain.  Someone who doesn't make you feel inferior to them because of your weaknesses.  Someone who loves you in spite of them.  Someone who makes you better just by being there with you.

I am one of those people.  I got stuff in my soul that would scare the boogeyman. I struggle with honesty.  More with myself than others, but them too.  I struggle with standing up for myself.  It's easier for me to just let other people win and take advantage of me than to cause a fight.  I have absolutely no confidence in anything that I am or anything that I do.  Because of this, I am easily swayed from what should be deep rooted convictions. I stay loyal to people I shouldn't for far too long hoping for changes.  Convincing myself I'm being a good friend by being taken advantage of.  It's ridiculous really the extents I will go for the wrong people.

Anyway...that's just a thin layer of my dysfunction, but luckily, I found Patrick.  When we first started dating I had concerns about our difference of opinion in just about everything.  But my sweet friend Rebecca put things in perspective for me.  She said, "We (meaning Mormons) have this image ingrained in our heads that the only good people are LDS.  He's not LDS and look at how great he is and how much better you are with him.  That's all that matters really."  And she was right.  Being in love with a person is so much more than common ground.  It's about lifting each other and encouraging them to be their best self.  Accepting differences and finding ways to make it work in spite of them. It's about those moments when you're just together and nothing else around you matters. It's about looking deep in someones soul and saying that's scary, but I'm going in anyway.

 So, with all that said,  I love you Patrick.  I'm so glad you're mine.  And I'm even more glad my crazy didn't scare you away.  :)

Ain't We All Just Runaways?

My boys are back!

I am so excited to hear this song today! I woke up early thinking I'd go back to sleep after hearing the premier on KROQ. I was wrong. I couldn't have gone back to sleep if I tried. I know I'm not the most impartial judge when it comes to The Killers, but it is my firm opinion that if this song doesn't grab you SOMEWHERE, you are heartless. This is a galloping love song that sweeps you up in romance and the story of true love as it waxes and wanes over the years. Amazing.

I'm so very proud of my boys for making such a strong comeback. Battleborn- the long awaited (and reportedly difficult) album will be released in the US on September 18, 2012. From what I've heard... It's worth the almost 4 year wait. Thanks guys, for making music we can be proud to listen to.

That is all I have to say.



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Step Outside 'Cause Summertime's In Bloom

It's been a while since I've blogged. It's sad really, because I'm quite clever. But you'll get over it. after all, I'm here now.

I'm posting a song because it's one of my all time favorites. I have a fifteen year old daughter. She mostly thinks I'm totally lame. It doesn't really hurt my feelings because it's age appropriate behavior. She's trying to be anything but like me. She's trying to figure out who she is and what she stands for. I applaud it, really- It's a big task. As she's trying to figure out what she thinks about things, I try to find ways to connect with her. One way we have always connected is through music. She loves music and so do I.

When she was a baby, Mikey was in the Navy and he was gone quite often. On the nights that he was gone, she would not go to sleep unless I played "Somebody" by Depeche Mode. When she was a toddler, her favorite songs were "Roxanne" (she thought it was about rocks and sand- I let her believe it) and "I Love Rock and Roll" (She would sing- very loudly I might add- in her little girl voice "Put another dime in the juicebox, baby!") As she's gotten older, she still loves those songs.

Unfortunately, she's also discovered Skrillex and Tokio Hotel- but that's another entirely different post- I haven't the energy to discuss it today.

But.... I have kept her as cool as possible by adding Morrissey and The Cure, as well as other important peeps to her Ipod. She has rebelled forcefully against The Killers, but I think she'll come around. She has good taste, after all. For now- we simply agree to disagree- although I maintain that she's dead wrong.

One song we both love and sing together is "Don't Look Back In Anger" by Oasis. It's a classic. Catchy and beautiful. I pretend she doesn't know what starting a revolution from one's bed means and she allows me to do so. Ignorance is indeed bliss, you know.

I love her, she's amazing and she teaches me every day. Thanks to her, I became a mom. It's one of my most cherished titles. I have great kids. We rock out on a daily basis. I'm not a perfect mother, but I'm a damn good one, and my kids know without a doubt that I love them more than life itself- because I tell them. Daily. I don't care how old they get (I've managed to stop aging- I'm lucky like that)- we will continue to jam.

There's always a reason to dance.

Enjoy this tune. It's fabulous.



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The Fighter

Whenever I'm doing ab work at the gym my trainer is constantly telling me one thing, "Keep your chin up."  It's kind of amazing how much harder it is to do a stinking sit up when your chin is up and not resting on your chest.   Life is kind of like a sit up.  It's so easy to get down and hide and let people get the best of you.  It's keeping your chin up that is hard.

 I was told the other day that someone said I was too immature to handle the things in my life and I was going to fall flat on my face.  I was really offended by that.  First off because who's more mature than me?  Duh!!  No one.  Secondly, how dare anyone say I'm going to fall.  Then as I thought about it I realized that they are probably right.  I don't believe it's a matter of immaturity.  I think it's a matter of growing.   People never stop growing and learning, right?  And in this process, we fall.  Some of us a lot of times.  It's how we learn.  It's how we get better.  It's how we figure out who's there for us and who isn't.  I'm very lucky to have a hand full of loyal friends and an amazing man in my life who may sometimes have to let me fall, but they always have a hand out to help me back up.

I'm not ashamed of falling.  I'm not ashamed of the mistakes I've made.  I've learned a lot of hard lessons.  Some of them two of three times before they sunk in.  Some of them still haven't.  But I'll get there eventually.  And all I can say right now is my chin is up and I'm not on the ground. That must say something about who I am becoming.

My Weekly Rant

I'm not sure why it happens, but every now and again I feel inspired to blog. This happened this morning and as I pondered what I should blog about I thought..."What can I write that will really uplift and inspire the poor suckers that click on this link?" Luckily for you folks, I came up with nothing. So what you're gonna get is this...A few things that I personally believe stupid people should never do.

 Numero uno...Since this is the first time I've been on blogger since the new upgrade I'm going to start with...work at blogger and think that you know what people want and make retarded changes to a perfectly good program and make it crap. Don't even get me started on Google calendar and the new Igoogle format. I'm guessing they have a bunch of technologically savvy dudes working there that sat around a big table with some pie charts and possibly a power point presentation with numbers and other meaningless crap and they came up with this. What you need is an interior designer. And some women. And to buy some shoes other than converse. You look like the dudes from Weezer. I mean come on...you have millions of dollars and this is the best you can do. Wicked lame. That is all.

 Two...Since any moron can drive, I'm going to skip that one and go straight to park. Seriously, not that hard people. There are even lines there that tell you exactly where the car should go. Pretty sure they started teaching "stay inside the lines" in kindergarten. Merging, four way stops, and roundabouts...just get out of the car and wave down someone else because there isn't a chance in hell you're going to get those right. Three...grocery shopping. I know it's sounds simple enough, but apparently there is a level of intelligence needed to get this done correctly. Here are a few simple tips. First, before you argue with the check out person about price matching make sure that the store you are in actually does it. Second, they have a thing called price check. So ripping off the price tag and telling the cashier that the 10 lbs of T-bones you just bought was only $4.99 instead of $30, probably isn't going to work.

 Three...there is a turning radius on grocery carts. Try not to knock down every single friggin corner display you come to. Thanks. Forth...not a play ground. Don't send your kids over to produce so you can shop in peace. Also, you should probably pay for the pound of grapes they just ate while "playing" over there. 

Fourth...own any sort of portable device that requires attention to use. You CAN NOT do two things at once. If I'm waiting in my parking stall with my lights on please do not stop behind my car for 2 minutes to send a text message because you don't have the capability to text and walk at the same time. And as much as I like to see people fall down, don't do that behind my car either.

 Fifth...give birth. You're just perpetuating the problem for future generations. Just tie that stuff up from the get go.

 Sixth...talk. Nuff' said.

 Hmmmm...I think that covers it for now. I'm going to post a song that makes me happy. For no reason other than, I'm smart enough to know how to do it. :)

 

Happier things...

I was talking to Layney today and we decided that we both needed to start blogging more. About happy things. We are both relatively happy people, but a lot of our blog posts are an outlet for our anger and disdain instead of a place for us to share the good things in our lives. So we've decided to make an effort to change that.

Today, as I cleaned my house, I made it through because I kept thinking about one thing. That in 3 short months, my brand spankin' new awesome house is going to be done. I'm super excited for it. Sometimes, I lay awake at night thinking about how I'm gonna decorate it. I know it's probably silly, but I'm a girl so silly is acceptable. I have a bunch of reasons why I can't wait to move into the house and I'm going to outline them here.

I can't breath here. I know that sounds stupid, but this house is so small I literally get claustrophobic when we are all in the same room. Now, that doesn't happen very often and it's sad really because I actually enjoy my family, but it's just too many people in a little space.

I'm a bad mom in this little house. I feel like all I do is yell at my kids. One...because it's so small and they are always on top of me. Two, because they are on top of each other and are always getting on each others nerves and fighting. Three, there stuff seems like it's everywhere. Really, it isn't, but it is. I can't stand it.

Although the house is smaller, I'm constantly cleaning. When I'm able to spread the mess out over 5000 sq feet it'll seem a lot less overwhelming. Right now, I can't even kick it under stuff because there is other stuff there.

No dishwasher. Quite frankly, I must have had my head in my rear to rent a house with no dishwasher with 4 kids. Although, I am gonna miss watching Patrick do dishes at night. It's soothing. Shut up. It is.

This house smells weird. I don't like weird smells. Especially in the basement. The cupboards stink. I've cleaned and covered and every thing else I can think of. It keeps coming back. I need my own smell.

There will be no rooster. No Mariachi music. And, for the love of pete, no hacking.

And the number one reason I can't wait to move is that it will be me and Pats home. I'm all about things that are us right now. Getting rid of the old and bringing in the new. Well, minus the kids. I'm okay to keep them. For now.

Pour Ma Douce Amie...

There are those who like to put their accomplishments or trials out there for the world to see. For recognition, sympathy, help, attention...who knows what. And then there are those who are silent. Who smile on the inside when they achieve something great. Who cry in the dark so their tears can't be seen. Who put on the smile even though they are dying on the inside. It's sad really that these people, for one reason or another, feel like they have to suffer alone. That there is no one they can call when they make a perfect chocolate bundt cake that should win a Pillsbury Blue Ribbon. Or, even more sad, when they feel like they are drowning in despair. For some, it is the ways of their past. They were never good enough. The red headed step child.

I'm here to say this today. YOU ARE GOOD!!! NO!!! YOU'RE GREAT. You have light and life and people who love you. You have demons, yes. Demons can be exorcised. They don't need to be carried. You have people who judge you. Who cares. Judge not lest ye be judged. Their condemnation will come at their own hands. Don't be afraid to tell your story. It's so great to release that burden from time to time. (Check my fb wall if you don't believe me) It doesn't have to be for gain. You aren't asking for someone to feel sorry for you. You're saying this is how it is. And look...I survived. I'm still here. I'm still fighting. Yes, I've taken a beating. More than once, but I believe in myself enough to get back up.

And guess what...I believe in you. And Mikey believes in you. And Ash. And Liz. And Ian. And Livimonster. And many, many others. So who cares about the ones who don't.



Now, you know I like originals. But you also know that I think Matthew Bellamy is the only person in the music industry right now, that includes Brandon and Gary, with skills comparable to my beloved Freddie. Da man is friggin' amazing.

You also know this post is as much for me as it is you. We both need to realize who we are and be able to stand tall. No matter how many people are trying to break us down. Put your back on me, yo. I won't let you fall. Ever.

All my love, my sweet friend.