A few years ago I went through an exceptionally rough patch in my life. It was a culmination of a lot of years trying to find fulfillment in a life that was just, well, unfulfilling. I married young for two reasons. The first was that was what I was taught was expected of me. You get married and start a family. The second was because I didn't have a lot of self confidence. So, I jumped on the first opportunity that came around for fear that nothing else would. Now, it wasn't a bad choice. I knew that I would be taken care of, but I also knew that I wasn't in love. When I talked to people they would say, "well love comes with time". So, I kept my fingers crossed that it would. And to a degree, it did. You don't spend all your time with a person and not have a love for them. But it was never that passion, that newness, that I can't be and don't want to be without this person.
Then I had kids. I focused so much attention on them and on being the best mom that I could that I didn't have time to focus on the things that I didn't have. As any parent knows, it is completely unfair to expect your children to be your sole source of fulfillment in life at any age. It is way too much pressure on kids. Luckily for me I had friends. And I think I'm a really good friend. I put A LOT into my relationships with people. So when the dark times came, you can imagine my disappointment when I found that a lot of those that I considered close to me were not there. And nothing was ever said to me directly, but I heard through the grapevine that people were saying that I walked away from all of them. I was offended by that at first, but as I thought about it, they were right. I had become so dead inside that I just couldn't give the way I had before. I could barely function in my day to day life. What was hurtful though, was that instead of them putting in the effort to keep those relationships going, they just let them die. And I felt completely alone.
I had a spouse that I was completely disconnected from, children that I tried so hard to not live vicariously through, and many of the people I called friends gone. I was alone. And in that aloneness, I looked for everything and anything that would make me feel. Because of that, I made a lot of poor choices that just led me down an even darker path. I did things that were completely out of character for me, and as I look back now, I have a lot of guilt and shame over. I made a lot of excuses for my behavior at the time, but ultimately I knew that I was wrong. I wondered if my life wasn't really that bad and that I was just making excuses for my behavior by saying that I had been unhappy. Luckily, I had kept a journal and was able to read that within two months I was already regretting my decision to marry and wishing that I had been brave enough to call it off before it was too late. At two years into the marriage, I was wanting to file for divorce. In a way, it made me feel better to know that I wasn't completely crazy in how I was feeling 12 years after the fact.
And then I met Patrick, and little by little light started coming back into my life. It was hard for me at first, like someone who'd been in a cave and was coming out into the sun for the first time, but eventually I stopped fighting it and let him light up my world. I have been so grateful for him and everything that he has given me. I am grateful for the love he shows me and my children. I am grateful that he lets me cry and get snot all over him when he's holding me. I love that he washes the dishes so that I don't have to. And I even like that he listens to classic country music when he does it. Cause I secretly like a lot of it. Which I'm pretty sure he also knows, but lets me keep up my tough exterior of pretending that I hate it. I love that he forgives me when I do dumb stuff. I love that he makes my kids treat me with respect without belittling them. I love that he spoils me. I love that he lets me be me. And that he loves all of me. Even the annoying stuff. I don't have to pretend. I'm just me. And it's fabulous.
Finally I have it. I have the passion, the excitement, the I don't want to be without you...ever. The will you please come home now, cause I don't want to wait until 4 to see you. The I don't want to get out of bed in the morning cause I'll have to leave you. The I can't wait to be your wife and spend the rest of my life with you.
So instead of focusing on all the horrible stuff that happened and that I went through, I'm focusing on the amazing things I have in my life now. I'm excited for my future. I'm excited for the direction my life is taking. And I'm the most excited for my partner on my journey.
For my song choice, I wanted to post one that gave me a lot of peace during some of the darkest times in my life. Whenever I hear it I picture a father holding his daughter. Comforting her and wiping away tears. Letting her know that she isn't alone because her daddy will always be there. It was a great source of comfort for me during my darkest time. I know some of my friends will pick on me for it, but I don't care. I love Josh Groban. Just like I love Randy Travis. That is all. :)
