Friday, December 30, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Being as traditional as I am, this first choice will not surprise you. I love this sound. I love this song. This, to me, is Christmas.
This next song just about brings a tear to my eye every time I hear it. And not at all for the reasons you will assume.
I think that Joseph is a key figure in the Nativity story that we tend to overlook sometimes. We give Mary the credit she so truly deserves, but I think we often forget the sacrifices and struggles that Joseph was faced with. He had to listen to this story that the girl he was going to marry told him and decide for himself what he was going to believe. If he didn't believe her, he did not have to marry her. He could have had her stoned. He didn't. He trusted her, received his own witness that what she was saying was true, married her, and cared for her needs, both temporally and spiritually. How devastated he must have felt when they were traveling, her great with child, and him responsible for not only her, but that special baby; and he could not find a comfortable and clean place for her to deliver. The agony he must have felt while watching her suffer to complete the job she was chosen to do. And I'm not even going to go into the fact that God chose this man to raise His Only Begotten on this earth. What a magnificent and daunting calling. He must have felt so unworthy and inadequate. This song shows us that Joseph was an ordinary man, with an extraordinary opportunity. Would we have what it takes to make the choices he made? Would we be able to do what was required of him?
I'm just not sure...
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
I'm lucky to have finally found that person.
Friday, December 9, 2011
This season has been a little different for me. Personal struggles and stresses have made the holiday season a bit harder to enjoy. I've been able to understand a little more why people grow to dread this time of year. I had an experience a few nights ago that restored my faith in the season. I've been struggling with a decision that I had to make. One that I didn't want to make. One that went against all my instincts as a human, but because of the circumstances of my life had to be done. The self inflicted repercussions of it had been, little by little, destroying me. So, after a particularly hard evening that was compounded by some other events, I found myself laying on a dock at Daybreak Lake freezing my arse off at 2 in the morning. Laying in frozen seagull poop, looking at the stars and begging for some comfort. Through tear soaked eyes and a runny nose I begged my Father in heaven to let me know that it was okay. I closed my eyes and just kept saying...I believe...over and over again. When I opened them I saw a shooting star. I know it's a simple thing. A thing of nature that happens over and over again, but at that moment I knew that one was for me. An answer to a simple prayer. That was all it took. I was able to stand up and leave.
This simple act renewed my faith in the holiday season. It isn't about stressing over money and gifts. It isn't about having perfect Christmas lights. It's about faith. It's about believing in a miracle that happened long ago and believing that they can still happen today. It's about family and love and giving.
"Ships go sailing far across the sea. Trusting starlight to get where they need to be."
This has become one of my favorite Christmas songs. It's about having faith in yourself and what's inside of you. Remembering your worth and the goodness that we all have. Our divine inheritance. And if we forget, find it again on Christmas day.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Sorry. I got off track. This post is about Layne. Cause it's her birfday. And she's older than me. And I love her because she always gives me good advice and loves me when I do dumb stuff. And stands up for me even if she doesn't agree with what I'm doing. She's the best older than me friend that a girl could have. She rocks. Hard. Shes always got my back.
Yeah...she's kissed me good night before. Not on the lips sickos.
Did I mention she's older than me?
I love you Layney. We'll always have each other.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
I hope that I can be a skyscraper. I hope that one day I'll rise up. No matter how broken I get over the next few weeks. I hope that I can find the strength and worth in myself to overcome all the trials and tribulations that I have endured. I hope that I can remember who I am. I hope I can improve upon that and become better. I hope I can be an example to my children of someone who is strong and can keep their head high no matter the ordeal. I hope that I can once again view myself as someone of value. I hope that I can remember my humor. I hope that I can share that with other people. I hope I can be a good friend. I hope I can give my experiences and what I've learned to help someone else. All I can do is hope...
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I have this girl, she has a million nicknames and she's amazing. She's beautiful- inside and out; she's multi talented- she is successful at pretty much everything she attempts. She's kind, she's thoughtful and she's smart. She has one of the kindest hearts, but don't mess with her. She's strong and tough, but soft and sweet at the same time.
She almost didn't make it to this world, but I'm so glad she did. She has blessed my life so much and taught me more than she'll ever know. I always joke that I'm her trial because she really is almost perfect... and well, I'm soooo not...
Zizzy, Thanks for letting me be your mom. It's been a wonderful 12 years. You are inspiring to me and to everyone around you.
You are truly loved.
Here's your favorite song...
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
This song went right to my soul the first time I heard it. There are few that do that for me. Adeles voice is so passionate, I almost cried. You can actually feel the pain and longing.
I don't even know what to say. The song speaks for itself.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
I think after 8 years, Tom, Mark and Travis have come back strong. it's got a lot of the classic Blink sound, but they've added synths. I hear some nods to my favorite black haired, lipstick wearing band the Cure in here too.
I've read reviews, and they are not all positive, but I like it. To me, it's the Blink 182 we know and love, but a little more grown up. You can certainly hear a very similar sound to Tom Delonge's other band, Angels & Airwaves, which I think that some die hard blink fans might have issues with.
I struggled with the decision of what song to play in this post, I didn't wanna play something that is on the radio right now, I prefer deeper cuts. But it was also important for me to capture the sound of the whole album in one song as much as I could. So naturally, I'm gonna play a couple...
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Somehow, it's just better when Dave Gahan sings it.
I'm not dissin' Johnny... But c'mon, man.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
It happens to be the birthday of someone very special.
I like Sting. He's so talented. He's like 60, and looks amazing. His longevity in the music industry is legendary. And anyone who plays the Double Bass is just. plain. awesome. Period.
Come to think of it, there's someone else who shares this special day with Sting. This person is courageous and strong. She does not play the Double Bass, but still somehow, remains cool. She has been part of my life for many, many years. She has made me laugh when I wanted to cry. She stood by me when she thought I was being stupid. That's a good friend.
She has made some tough choices recently. Choices that I questioned and worried over. I love her and I love her family. I want them to all be ok. I think they will be, but the backlash she is experiencing is not comfortable. One thing I admire about her is that in the face of all this, she remains true to her feelings and stands for what she thinks are good, long term decisions for herself and her family. I wonder if I can be that strong... not sure that I could be. I have hope though, after all these years, that she has been able to teach me and impart some of her courage unto me.
anyway.... Happy birthday, dear friend. You are loved. A lot.
Here's your boy singing a special song just for you.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Today I am struggling with the small mindedness of some. I guess I just can't understand why people focus on one aspect of a persons life and draw so many conclusions from it. How they can automatically assume that someone is a bad person because they see a bottle of rum on their kitchen counter. In my opinion, spiritual vices are just as, if not more, harmful than physical ones. Feeling that you have the right to look down on someone because you don't agree with how they live their lives. It's fine to not agree, it's not okay to pass judgment.
I have a dear friend, her name is Gen Faumuina. She is a beacon of hope to me of what people should be like. She is probably the most kind, understanding, compassionate non judgmental person I have ever met in my entire life. She is good and pure and giving. She never has time for herself because she is so busy doing for everyone else. I instantly loved her the moment I met her and I count her among my best and dearest friends because she can say, Stacy, look at what you're doing. This isn't who you are. And she can do it in a way that I know she isn't judging me, but genuinely sees me for who I am and the potential that I have. I hope to one day be half the woman, friend, mother and wife that she is.
But anyway...my point is this...I have made a personal discovery over the last few weeks that I hope I can implement in my life. I don't need to explain my every action to people. I am not accountable to anyone here, but myself and my children. I don't need reasons. I don't need excuses. I am just me. And that's enough. And if it isn't for you, then see ya round. But don't point a finger of judgment at me and treat me like I am less, because the fact that you are doing it shows that you have just as much work to do in your own life as I have in mine. One of my favorite scriptures is in 1 Samuel 16:7...(yeah, I know the bible, what of it?) And the point is that man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. And I think that people who truly love you and know you look there too. They know the person you really are. And when you make a mistake, they can just take your hand and help you stand up. And they are willing to do it over and over and over again until your footing is secure and you can walk alone. They expect nothing in return. Nothing has to be owed. Nothing has to be earned it just is. These are the people you should surround yourself with because they are the ones who will always be there.
I like to look for spiritual things in music. I don't like church music. I think most of it is pretty cheesy. So I look for messages in other areas. And when I first heard this song it wasn't one of my favorites. But now I love it. And the beautiful thing is that music can take on any meaning that you need it to.
I've been in the dark for a while now. And I can't stay. It's time for me to face my decisions and go home.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
He loves his mom. Just yesterday he told me that on a scale of 1-10, I was a 13. He has brought me so much joy and happiness and proud moments. In his short time he has achieved so much. He is loved and adored by everyone who meets him. He is so personable and kind and loving. He is so helpful and does the things I ask without too much fuss. Now, if I could just get him to be nice to his sisters.
I love him so much. He is quick with a hug or a kind word for me. He never leaves without kissing his mom good bye. He doesn't even get too embarrassed when I make him do it in front of his friends. I know that he is destined for greatness and I'm going to be there cheering him along the entire way.
Happy Birthday my sweet Nathan. I love you with all my heart.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Stacy loves Snow Patrol. That isn't a big secret. Gary is her Brandon. And he even has pretty teeth now! I'm super excited about that. While I cannot change allegiences, I am in no position to try and act like that Irish lilt does nothing for me. It's hotttttt. When we saw him in concert, he swore and it sounded so pretty. It's amazing what a lovely accent can do for the English language. Even naughty words sound sweet. Oh well, he isn't my boyfriend and I shouldn't be talking about him like this, but I'm hoping this might bring Stace some happiness today. It's been a tough year and she deserves a snippet of happy.
Monday, August 29, 2011
In the movie Father of the Bride, at one point, Steve Martin's character is looking at his daughter and he didn't see her as a the grown up she was, he saw her as a child, in different stages of her childhood and was sad about it. That's what happened to me when she was climbing those stairs to the front door of the high school for the first time. She looked so small and fragile. She is neither of those things, but as she was walking, I saw my little kindergartener going into this huge school that I was afraid she wasn't ready for. The school she's going to is HUGE. I'm talking college campus huge. Had I taught her enough? Had I suffiently helped her build her self esteem? Will she remember to kick boys "where it counts" if they deserve it? Will she make friends and have someone to eat lunch with?
It was rough at first. She has her first class at 6:45. She's not a morning person. But I think things are going to be ok. She's a good girl and she's smart. She doesn't have a perfect mother, but she has a mom who thinks she's amazing, and knows that she can do anything she puts her mind to.
Here's a song that she loves and I hope it makes her smile.
I like it when she smiles.
Friday, August 19, 2011
I feel like I lost a very close friend today. Someone who I had put a lot of trust and faith into. Someone that I thought would always be there for me unconditionally, through thick and thin. Someone who didn't judge and loved me in spite of all of my mistakes. It turns out it was only contingent on me living my life according to her standards. And now, in a time of desperate need she can't be there for me because she doesn't agree with how things have turned out.
My heart aches. I feel like a gaping hole has been left. I'm tired of being hurt by people. I'm tired of feeling worthless. Like I'm less. Like a failure. Like I let people down. So, with that said...I'm going to hide for a bit. Lick my wounds and hopefully come back with a bit more resilience. Add another layer to the shell.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
She takes no bull. Not from me, her dad or her brother and sisters. She doesn't think twice about telling you that your butt does indeed look fat in those jeans. Or that your hair looks stupid. She applies make up with more precision than most grown women and can accessorize like a fashionista.
She is incredibly kind and loving. She feels the pain that others feel. She is the first to ask for, and offer, forgiveness. She gives 100% of her heart to those that have earned it.
When she was born we had decided to call her Grace. I always loved the name and wanted that to be hers. But it became apparent from the get go that she was not a Grace but a Biz. She is tough but gentle. Course but kind. Strong but soft. She's my Bizzy Bop. And I adore her.
I started playing this song as soon as we got in the car to bring her home, and even though she didn't end up a Gracie it still became her song. Whenever she was upset we could play it for her and she would calm down. Even now she'll ask me to play her song for her when we're in the car.
Happy Birthday my beautiful Angel and total hard ass!!!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
She really is my angel. She gives me cuddles and love whenever I need them. She always makes me laugh with her silliness. And the sound of that sweet little voice saying, "I love you, Mama", always makes me smile. If I leave for a weekend she always asks, "Are you gonna miss your Monkey Butt?" I love it. And I love that she loves me.
We have a special bond, her and I, maybe it's because she's my clone. She looks like me. Thinks like me. Manipulates to get her way like me. They always say that your parents pleasure is when their children have a child just like them to see what they had to go through. Well, my parents were DAMN lucky, cause if I was like Mads then I pretty much rocked. She's my sweetie. My special, as she calls herself.
I love you Mads. You give me strength to keep up the fight.
Even if your favorite song is retarded.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
He got an iTunes card for Christmas and you know what cd he chose to download? "Singles" by Travis. He insists that his first concert will be with me, the next time The Killers are in town ( I would imagine he'd be happy if I footed the bill as well). He loves it when I sing him to sleep. He has two songs that he picks from- "Tidal Wave" and the Abbey Road version of "Sam's Town"- I don't know why those are his favorites, but they are. He loves snazzy sneakers, clothes, and annoying his older sisters while doting on "his baby". He's complex, beautiful and super smart.
My life almost ended the night his began, but he is worth it. He truly is a lady killer with the heart of an angel.
Here's one of his favorite songs...
Monday, July 11, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Don't even act like that isn't inspiring.
Now where the hell do I get a swearing parrot?
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Until I saw this...
It has ruined me forever. I sat and gagged through this entire thing. Dear Lord and Baby Jesus lying in a manger. Make it stop. Who in the hell lets something like that grow on their back without seeking medical attention. Hell. No!!! You sick dirty bastard. Buy a friggin' loofah for hells sake.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved home and the war's desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!
My favorite verse of The Star Spangled Banner and (most of) my favorite boys. The other two happen to be with me today...
P.S. England,you still totally rock.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I don't want to die this way.
That is all.
Monday, June 27, 2011
I'm trying to be biased here, but it's difficult for me to criticize my boys. My hubby heard this and he thought Brandon was off his game a bit...I think Mikey's just jealous. I like the song. As usual, the lyrics are yummy. the music is yummy.
I was there, on the back of the room, when you testified
When you took the stand, you licked your lips, and you lied...
Well I gotta belive there's something on my side
When the venom in your veins is satisfied
You'll be running, but there ain't no where to hide
oh yeah, babe. you do NOT mess with B Flow.
I really don't have a lot to say here... which is weird cuz I always have a lot to say when it comes to my favorite boys. I'm proud of the stuff they've done on their well deserved hiatus, Ronnie finished his degree, the guys played music, some solo, some collaborations- and hopefully they spent time with the people they needed to and got lots of rest...
I am eagerly awaiting the new album. With an new album comes a new tour. Me and my girls need a hot night out. This time I will wear comfy shoes. and possibly even eat. who knows- maybe something magical will happen.
So tell me- what do you think?
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Here's a song that is an autobiography of sorts...
Friday, June 17, 2011
No one can say "Boot the grime of this world in the crotch dear" with such feeling and intensity as Morrissey. They shouldn't even try. And I don't believe any ever has.
So my advice to all the weekenders...Don't go home tonight. Go out and find the one that you love and who loves you.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
And if you find yourself a tourist in the city you were born, it's time to go. And you find your destination with so many different places to call home. Cos' when you find yourself the villain in the story that you've written it's plain to see. That sometimes the best of intentions are in need of redemptions, Would you agree?
If so, please show me.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Just fill it with love and joy and make lasting memories. The address is moot.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
That's not who I am anymore. Well, it's not who I've been for a while now. I lost it. I felt suffocated and trapped. I lived for someone else besides myself. I did everything to make that person happy. To serve them. I gave up everything I was to be who they wanted me to be. I became a mother. I raised and taught four beautiful children. I lived through their lives. Their accomplishments and growth. I had to. I had none of my own. I was stagnant. Wallowing in emptiness. I had nothing to sustain me and honestly, I don't know how I survived. It was through the grace of God. I'm grateful that he saw a purpose for me because I didn't. I saw nothing in myself. Nothing of what I once was. Only the achievements that I helped others earn. And yes, there is value in that. But it's fleeting. You can't take claim on anothers accomplishments. I became a shell of who I was. And I lived that way for a long time to keep the peace and make others happy.
But I can't anymore. I need to live for myself. I need to find things that give me joy again. And I can't allow others and their beliefs to hold me down anymore.
'Cause I used to be a shell. Yeah, I let him rule my world. But I woke up and grew strong. And I can still go on.
I'm not going to be a shell anymore.
Friday, May 20, 2011
My sweet friend has been going through a lot. She's climbing a scary hill and has no clue what's on the other side. I can't tell her about the other side because I've never been there. See, I'm not much of a hiker.... I prefer malls over scary trails that lead to who the hell knows where. Plus, they have Chanel in malls. I heart Chanel.
Anywhoooooo, as usual, I digress.
Music has a gentle way of healing that nothing else can really imitate. This is a soothing little song that carries with it the melody of hope.
When you get to the other side of the hill, you really never know what awaits. I prefer to think that peace awaits. Certainly less heartache. Who knows.... maybe even happiness.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
So, I've had this song stuck in my head for a few days now and I didn't really understand why until I sat and thought about the lyrics. Then I realized why it was there. I really think it's my subconscious giving me insight to what I'm really feeling. As many of you know I've been dealing with some pretty crappy stuff over the last couple of years. Well, it finally came to a head. And not in a pretty way. I mean I knew it wouldn't. But I didn't expect to feel the way I feel. I hate that I am such a weak person and that I can't just stick to my guns. I hate that I am so swayed by other peoples emotions. I feel like I give in a lot just to keep the peace. And if someone cries, forget it. I'm like the mother of the wretched kid throwing a fit at Target. Giving them exactly what they want just so they'll stop. Or not bring attention on me. And I always end up unhappy about it in the end. But everyone else around me is. So , I suck it up. Cause if everyone else is happy and I'm the only one unhappy then the decision must have been right. Since I'm in the minority.
This isn't a happy song. It's not a happy ever after song. It's about hoping for better and ending up in the same predicament just in a different place. But it is about working hard and doing what's best for you. Even if it means doing it on your own.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Today I feel I need to start my rant on the drivers in the Beehive state. I mean, seriously. I have never seen an IQ drop so dramatically as when people get behind the wheel of a car. I just don't get it. The traffic laws really aren't that hard. So...
1. Blinkers. They're there for a reason. Use them.
2. It is not necessary to come to a full and complete stop on Redwood Road before turning right when your light is green.
3. The acceleration lane on the freeway is there for a reason. And oddly enough, it's right in the name what you should be using it for. Accelerating. Lets get to freeway speeds people. Come on now.
4. Learn how to f'ing merge. I'll make it easy for you. Here's the site.
http://publicsafety.utah.gov/dld/handbooks.html Look it up bitches.
Okay...enough about driving.
5. Why the hell do the gas pumps pop when you squeeze them all the way? Lame. I had to stand outside in the cold for like 10 minutes the other day trying to fill up my car.
6. Please, please, please...for the love of God, get rid of all those stupid car shaped grocery carts. I know you think you're being helpful to mothers, but quite frankly, it's a pain in the ass. They never push right. You can't fit as much in them. They have a ridiculous turning radius. Don't even get me started on parallel parking. And dear Lord, when was the last time those things were cleaned. I have to spray Mads down with a pressure washer when I get home. Blah. Not helpful. They should all be removed and recycled into something useful, like those new plasticky candy wrappers.
That is all.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
One...What happened to the good ol' fashioned candy bar wrappers? A piece of cheap paper covering a super thin piece of cheap aluminum foil. Easy to get into. Easy to wrap back up for later usage. These new wrappers are a pain in the ass, almost plasticky. It took me almost 2 minutes to get into a Kit Kat bar earlier. Seriously, if I wanted to work that hard I'd be exercising instead of stuffing a candy bar down my gullet.
Two...Why can't they make a nice in between softness tissue. The lotion ones are gooey. No likey. The plain ones are to scratchy. My nose hurts and I'm not happy about. I'm a blower (he he) not a wiper, so there is no reason the skin should be peeling off my nose.
Three...Is it possible for mold to grow on poo while it's still in your body? Just curious. Don't ask any personal questions.
Four...I have a really hard time believing that 12 double rolls really equals 24 single rolls. I'm sorry. But I feel like I'm being cheated. I know the math adds up. But I never use to run out of toilet paper and now I do all the time. I actually took a roll from the church bathroom two weeks ago. One of those giant ones. It was awesome. Don't judge me. I pay tithing.
Five...I have learned that if you want a man to answer something important through text you shouldn't send another one until he does. Otherwise, they will convienently "forget" to answer the important one. OR...they just ignore it all together. Lame. I wouldn't have asked the question if I didn't want an answer.
Six...I hate men who refer to spending time with their own children as 'babysitting'. It's parenting you fucktard.
Hmmm...I think that's all for now. Here's a song.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
According to my hubby, one should never even touch a vegan meatless burger, but because he doesn't have a big ass, his opinion doesn't count on this particular subject. But, I digress.
I cannot live without a lot of things, but music is at the top of my list. I love it. A lot of the music I have enjoyed over the years has shaped me into who I am today. I also enjoy a fairly wide variety. Recently, a friend was stunned because I asked to borrow her Eminem CD. My closer friends wouldn't have been so shocked, but it kind of took me aback and I asked her why that was so surprising. She didn't have a clear answer, just that I did not seem like the type of person who listened to rap. I got a lil bit o' ghetto fabuless in these veins, baby. And don't even get me started on the Beastie Boys....
Today I'ma go back to my roots. Bands that influenced me from the earliest stages. Bands that we don't hear from that often anymore. They are icons and deserve to be celebrated. Unfortunately, some members are no longer with us, but I like to think they are looking down from heaven and smiling because they have not been forgotten.
Here's my first pick:
This song has been covered by everyone from the Cure to Bjork, to Fall Out Boy... they can't hold a candle to Ian Curtis though. Ian was a creative force to be reckoned with and gone too soon.
Here's another song that impacted me... I wouldn't say that it's my favorite Smiths song, but it was very influential to me when most of my friends were listening to Bell Biv Devoe. It summed up my feelings quite accurately.
This video freaked.me.out. But I loved it.
This video made me realize that girls could do awesome stuff.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
OK so I'm not a selfish fake, but the rest of the song fits pretty damn well.
You are one of the most amazing women I've ever known. I'm honored to call you friend. It's too bad that there are people in the world who can't recognize greatness, but you can't let them bring you down or alter your self image- they don't deserve that kind of power.
You are beautiful, don't you know?
Love your guts. tons.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Families are supposed to be the ones that we can always count on. The ones with unconditional love. The ones that accept us for all our faults and love us in spite of them. Unfortunately, the families that we are born into, on many occasions, are the ones that do us the most damage. It's sad, isn't it. When a mother will tell you she doesn't understand why God put you into their family cause you just don't fit in. And a sister will try to have your kids taken away during the most difficult time of your life. So, my thought is this, and maybe I'm wrong, but I say SCREW THEM. You choose your family. You surround yourself with the people who love you and have your best interests at heart always. Friends, neighbors, distant relatives, and perfect strangers if that be the case. At the very least people who won't ball kick you in the tit. Which I'm sorry your boobie hurts but the image of that still cracks me up.
Anyway... You're a fighter. You're strong. And you have a lot of people who love you and your family. People who would stand in front of a bus for you. And people who would even take a kick to the boob for you. I'll always be by your side.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
It's a bad day.
It was a really bad week.
I'm really sad.
This song has been on my mind since last night when I was reading a book and it had the line "It all seems so different now"
I love this song. It's special to me and it suits my melancholy mood.
Friday, April 1, 2011
But there is one little thing I need to take issue with. Their music choices. I'm a good mommy so I listened to it on repeat in the car for about 45 minutes. Then the good mommy in me wore off. I just couldn't take it anymore. Enjoy...
They think it's heeeeelarious when Ken says..."Come on Barbie, let's go potty." I mean, don't you think it's hilarious too. :-/
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Anyway...this band epitomizes my summers in my 1988 Chrysler LeBaron. Love them. And I love VA.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
There are times that we make choices that are not the best for us, and then we hurt because of the consequences of said choices, but that's how we learn. I personally believe you can screw up as much as you need to, as long as you learn from your mistakes. Never look at your mistakes as failures, simply as growth opportunities. No one should condemn you for growing.
I know that we haven't had time to catch up lately, and I feel really out of the loop. That makes me sad because I have always been comforted by knowing that you are only a phone call away, and that the sound of your voice can make troubles seem less significant. It would break my heart if I didn't have our friendship to lean on in times of trouble.
You are an inspiration to me and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. It makes me sad when you don't see your worth. You are one of my most favorite people in the whole world and I hate that we don't live closer. Please let's promise that no matter how busy we get, or how bad things suck that we will always be there, and we will not ever allow anything to ruin our friendship.
I love you.
Friday, March 11, 2011
This winter has been long. And hard. And dark. I'm ready for the sun. I'm ready to stand in the middle of the park and turn my face to the sun and put my arms out to the side and turn around in circles until I fall down. I'm ready for all the things that spring time brings. That warm fresh scent of clean air and hyacinths. Cool breezes and warm sun. Being able to open up the windows of the house and that openness. No longer being cooped up. Rebirth and renewal. I love it. And I feel like I'm among the things being renewed. I've grown a lot this winter. But the one thing that I think I have learned and taken to heart is that no matter what happens life goes on.
It always has and will continue to do so no matter what happens. One of the greatest lessons I have learned over the past few months is being able to see things from anothers perspective and not just mine. Even if I feel I'm right, to be able to step outside myself and understand why others think they are right. And accept that their reasoning is just as valid as my own. To not be so hasty in my reactions. I hope I can continue to do that. It's a great lesson for me to have learned.
I hope the spring brings continual peace and renewal. And if it doesn't I just need to remember to learn the lessons I'm meant to learn and that life goes on...
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Life is hard. We all struggle. We need to make sure that the people we love know that we love them. Every day.
We will be caught in thunderstorms. The skies will darken and the rain will pour. But we must always remember that after the rain, the sun shines. (Insert cheesy Nelson song here) Remember to look past the clouds. There is always sun after rain.
Sometimes you just need perspective.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I've had a few relationships over the past two years that have failed and I keep going back to them and wondering where I went wrong. The first was me trying to do what I thought was the right thing. I backed away in hopes of keeping a family in tact. That wasn't what my counterpart wanted and decided that if it couldn't be his terms it couldn't be anything. The second, well, I'm tired of talking about that one. I'll never understand it. And I'll probably never make peace with it. The third, and this is the one I've been thinking about today, was entirely my fault. There was a disagreement and instead of accepting where I was wrong and saying I was sorry, I let my pride get in the way. I found every excuse in the book to justify my behavior. I look back on it now, and I was intentionally trying to push this person away. I have an extreme fear of losing my independence. I lived in a box for a lot of years being someone I wasn't just to make someone else happy. And the fear of being in that position again is so overwhelming it almost drowns me. The second reason is because I wanted to see how easily he would let me go.
After the first two relationships failed I began questioning myself. What was I doing wrong? Did I expect to much and not give enough? Why is it that a person could tell me that they loved me yet walk away from me so easily? Was it a personality flaw? Or am I just that forgettable? I wanted someone to say "I love you and you're worth the fight. You can't push me away.' Needless to say, he didn't. He just turned and walked away too. So, I guess my little experiment worked. Just not in the way that I had hoped. I do know that they all failed because of me. I'm the only common denominator. I just haven't quite figured out what it is about me yet that makes it so easy for people to leave.
All of these people have been attracted to me for the same reasons. I'm funny, flirty, independent, say what's on my mind, strong. (Their words, not mine.) But once in a relationship they don't want these qualities anymore. They suddenly become a threat. And I don't know how to make these fit into the "relationship box" without giving up some of who I am. I know myself. And when I am committed to a person. I am committed. And I guess I don't like that questioned because someone is suddenly uncomfortable with the qualities that attracted them to me in the first place. It seems a little unfair. But maybe I'm just making excuses again. It seems likely that I am.
Hopefully the cloud will pass over me for good one day. Until then I guess I'll just keep to myself and learn how to function in the dark.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Yeah... it sucks.
I'm having a hard time and no one to confide in. Everyone is too busy. Too preoccupied with their own stuff. I get that. I spent 40 plus hours last week alone studying for one 50 question exam. I'm not someone who likes to bother people with my own stuff. But sometimes you just need a shoulder. Or a kind word. Or someone to be proud of your accomplishments- however insignificant they seem.
I frankly, don't have time for this crap. But how do you cope when you have no one to lean on? What do you do when you're too tired to walk?
I'm hoping that the sun will shine tomorrow and wash it away. For now, I'm going to try and sleep.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
But it's also about acceptance and belonging. We all have something that we struggle with, are ashamed of, or have failed at. But that unites us. We are all a bunch of flawed losers so we might as well band together and find acceptance amongst ourselves. Stop finding fault with others and focus inward. Maybe we'll see that we are really all the same in one way or another.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Also- as my boyfriend would say; "I'm totally jealous of their synths..."
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
People like that have a special reservation awaiting them in hell. They go around using innocent people to make themselves feel better; they are so delusional that they really think they are worth the dust from which they were formed.
They are sadly mistaken.
I do not often focus on negativity. I'm a happy person. I love life. I love my friends. You'll never meet a more loyal friend than me. Ever. So when someone I dearly love comes to me and tells me how shitty and worthless they feel because of someone's thoughtless and callous behavior, I get angry. My friend is a good, loving, and generous person-one of the kindest I have ever known; but they have been led to believe that they are nothing... I'm not OK with that.
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT.
Fortunately, luck is smiling upon you and I am far too classy to ever condescend to your level. Frankly, you're not worth the energy- and I might break a nail. Then I'd be even more pissed than I already am. That would be bad.
You know who you are. I refuse to even speak your name. Just pray that you don't meet me in a dark alley anytime soon. It would end badly for you. You're barking up the wrong damn tree, you mangy mutt.
This song is dedicated to you. Please take heed and follow the instructions that you hear.
Here's my advice to my friend...Pull yourself out of the picture. Look at the past for a minute. How many people have loved this person? And how many times have those relationships failed even though he said he loved them in return? Even if he is in one now, it will ultimately fail too because he does not know how to love. He knows how to have fun and have sex and give surface emotions, but that's not love. Any man who will tell you that he loves you and do a full about face within a week DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!!! I don't care what the excuses are. He has no clue what it means to love and probably never will. Any man who will willingly do things for his own carnal pleasures, knowing that if they ever come to light will hurt you, doesn't love you. It's hard. But it is time to walk away. Fall flat on your face. Wallow there for as long as you need. And then slowly lift yourself back up. If the desire strikes to try to 'refriend' this person, fight it. You will only be let down again. (Hopefully it won't be finding out that he slept with one of your friends while telling you that he loved you and then hiding it for months without ever giving you a thought.) But anyway...Don't do it. Let bygones be bygones. And look wholeheartedly to your future.
I hate Valentines Day. I hate that chocolate makes me fat. I hate that there has to be a day set aside for love. Everyday should be for love. If you love a person, you want them happy everyday and you do everything you can to make them that way. And it doesn't come and go. Love is a burning, powerful eternal force that doesn't just go away. It lives on. And it drives us to make the person we want or have in our lives feel like they are special and irreplaceable. It doesn't hurt. I don't care what anyone says. It lifts us and makes us strive to be better. It makes us whole. It makes us smile so much our face actually hurts at the end of the day. It gives us meaning and purpose. It makes waking up every day worth while. It feels amazing.
If that's not how you feel. It's not love. And most likely, it never was. Don't be a victim anymore. Let him know that you are strong and beautiful and good. And far better than anything he deserves. That the amazing love you have to share was wasted on someone like him. Then walk away with your head high. I love you.
Monday, February 14, 2011
5. Pretty much anything that falls in the category of "random, ugly shit".
4. I love you but don't tell me your shit don't stink. Some things just aren't meant to be shared. Tandem toilets are out.
3. Along those same lines. If you think the only way to say I love you is with some fake poop. You have serious mental issues that need to be addressed.
2. Anything with disparaging nicknames probably isn't gonna fly. Ho, Bitch, Wench, Big Tits McGee. All are a no go.
1. Anything that says "I love you, baby. But I'd love you more if you looked like this."
So, there it is. I hope no one is having to make a run to their local Wal-Mart right now to return a gift. Because if you do, quite frankly, you suck. That is all.
Sometimes I agree with her.
Sometimes I don't.
I'm a strange old bird because I am not a fan of commercialized love, but I better at least get a freaking card. Or Chanel perfume... or concert tickets to see my boyfriend, or a pair of $300.00 dollar sunglasses- I'm not too picky...after all, it's the thought that counts, right?
Anywho- it's Valentines Day; and I hope it doesn't suck. And I would like to take this time to recognize a day where, if we are not in a healthy relationship we feel like total crap, and an excuse to eat chocolates we don't even look at the rest of the year.
Hallmark, I salute thee.
Here's a little song you might enjoy on this fine and "love"-ly day...
Friday, February 11, 2011
I know that there are things that make you cry. Things that you can't control. If I could take them away, I would. In a heartbeat. But I can't. Unfortunately in this mortal realm we must be tried and pulled until we think we might snap. The great thing is that we have the people around us that love us enough to pick us up when we fall. To remind us that we CAN actually do biochemistry. That we are beautiful and of great worth, and that the world would be a sad place if they weren't sharing it with us.
Sam- to me, you are one of those people. I love you. I have a select few that I call besties. I'm a total snot head(technical term).... Most people do not measure up to my standards- at least enough to be in my inner circle. You were in almost immediately. And if I may say so- that makes you fairly awesome. But I'm still not sharing my boy. Ever.
Lemme roll that world right off your shoulders.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
But then I have to think how to I keep myself and my kids from falling victim to this when it's so prevalent in the world that we live in? I don't know the answer to that except to try to keep them from beings victims of it. By keeping them hopeful in people and our world. And by consoling them when it does fall in their laps. But I think the best thing to do for them is to remove any influence of this that I know of out of their pathways. So, that's what I'm going to do. And I'm doing it for myself as well. I'm tired of being sad, and heart broken and constantly having to explain my every action. I think it's time I get the hell out of here. See ya round...
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Anyway...she's been a little down on herself. Thinking she's a bad mom and not smart enough to do biochemistry and not strong enough to handle all the stress of everything she's taken on. The fact of the matter is, she is probably one of the smartest and strongest people I know. She has gotten me through many a hard time with her wisdom, good advice, willingness to listen and big heart. She has picked me up from some of my biggest falls and when she couldn't she laid down with me until I was ready to get up on my own. She is a truly amazing person. Her 4 beautiful kids are smart, fun, witty, talented and very precocious. All of which they get from her.
She isn't afraid to stand up for what she believes is right. Even if she knows she isn't going to be listened too. She is probably one of the most compassionate people I know. I remember once when we were in high school we had to pick up a man from the hospital who had worked with my dad who was dying of AIDS. His name was David and on top of having the AIDS virus he was also very very unkempt. Layne walked over to this man sitting on his hospital bed, put her arms around him, lifted him up off the bed and let him lean on her all the way to the car. I have never ever forgotten that experience. Even I was leary of touching this man and I have always considered myself a very kind person. She didn't hesitate. She is an amazing woman. And I know she is going to be able to touch the lives of many in the new profession she has chosen.
I love you Layne. You are an inspiration to me. Always have been. I know you will pull through this with shining colors and anyone who ever doubted you, including yourself, will feel sort of foolish for ever thinking you couldn't do it. I am not one of those people. Stand strong my friend. You're not alone.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I would like to join my voice with Garys in saying..."To all of you out there, may you enjoy lots of consensual and safe sex for all the days of your lifes."
The first is Best Coast Boyfriend. Great, fun, peepy song. Classic musical sound and fun lyrics. Just easy to listen too.
And the second is Beach House Lover of Mine. More mellow. The lyrics are a lot deeper and actually their sound takes more getting used to but is really great if you can appreciate it.
Well, their ya go. Two new great songs from moi. Enjoy.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
I love to drive. I really love listening to loud music while I drive. While running errands this morning, I was rockin' the "FAVS" playlist. A couple of songs that have made me happy for many years are on this list. And, because I cannot study for one more minute or my head will explode, also because I'm tired of looking at boobs, I'm gonna play a couple of those for you.
You are welcome.
I love the giggle... so cute.
Also- just a wee bit of personal trivia- the guy I went to prom with looks like he could be Michael Stipe's twin. Just thought you should know...
Here's another classic...
I have an overwhelming sudden urge to put my tiara on and go water skiing...weird.
Of course, there are a lot more songs on the playlist, but these two made me particularly cheery this morning.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Anyway...my point is this. You can spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on college and have perfect etiquette and always know the right thing to say. Or...You can go to the local Target and get a push bra and a low cut shirt for $15.99 and achieve the exact same thing. You decide. I choose BOOBS.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
There are times in life where choices are made and decisions are followed through with. This is one of those times for me and my sweet friend. We have been though a lot of changes both seperately and together.
Tomorrow is a day that we open new chapters. We are both 30 something mothers of four. We have great responsibilities and cherish our children more than I think they'll ever really know. We are both zaney and love life. But this past year was a tough one. Bad stuff happened. Decisions were made, some wise- some not so much... and reprecussions are still being felt. But we learned that we can deal with bad stuff and that we will eventually come out on top. There are a few scrapes and bruises...maybe even a skinned knee or two, but we made it through some nasty junk.
I like to think that in large part, we made it because we had each other and a few other dear friends to lean on when the sun just wouldn't shine.
It's still partly to mostly cloudy, but there is light. And we love light.
I love you, best friend.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I think it's important to remember that even through the darkest of times that the sun always shines. Maybe not as bright as we would like it too, but it does shine. And it gives us light to follow no matter how faint it may appear to us. And there are people in our lives who give us light as well. And it's okay to follow their light for a while, until ours is bright enough to lead us down our own path.
I have amazing people in my life. And some super crappy ones. The key is to be able to separate the two. No matter how you may be connected. Blood doesn't make one better than another if they don't have your best interests at heart. You will know the people who love you because they are the ones who are willing to stand between you and the fire storm. And who love you even if you are dead ass, stupid as hell wrong.
My point is...hard times come to everyone. And we fall and lose our way. But don't be afraid to stand back up. Do the best you can and rely on those around you when you can't do it alone.
Monday, January 17, 2011
I have been melancholy lately. Mainly I'm missing some peeps that I love. Also, I'm standing in the middle of an intersection and I'm not sure which road is going to take me where I want to go. If you know me, you know what a huge deal this is because I have a superb sense of direction. And I like to know stuff. I don't know stuff right now. I'm not sure when I will be let in on the secret, either.
I'm getting ready to register for school and I'm nervous about it. What if my 13 year old is right and I am too old? And I am technically a blonde, you know.... so there's that. I didn't like math the first time I tried to do it.
I was able to talk to my sweet friend today, and she is really dumb in her own life, but gives great advice to others. And I can say that because she knows I love her and also because it's just plain true. She has a great heart and it gets her in trouble sometimes. But she knows this and loves anyway. I wouldn't change her for the world. She has my loyalty forever. She just needs to listen to me instead of her. But She makes me feel better and for that, I'm grateful.
I love the lyrics of this song. They are so true. If our hearts were iron we wouldn't get hurt. There are drawbacks- I get it. But people are mean. And I am soft. No one really knows that because I am strong. It has been my experience that the people who profess their greatness are the meanest ones. There is a quote by Maya Angelou that says something like when people tell you who they are, believe them. I used to think this was always true, but I've learned that it isn't. Whatever. I guess we learn by getting hurt. We cannot build an armor around us because we would never love. That would be sad. So it's better to deal with crap that we don't like than to be isolated. We can't have everything we want. It isn't prudent.
The intersection I'm standing in has a couple of great roads. I could be happy down any of them. But I gotta find the best road, and that road will have potholes. I might fall down and scrape my knee, probably more than once... but when I reach my destination it will all have been worth it. And that is what I have to focus on.
If we never have bitter we cannot know delicious. And that is the truth.
***Disclaimer- apparently this has been featured on "Gossip Girl". I didn't know that. I'm cool enough to have found this on my own.
That is all.