Tuesday, October 1, 2013

You Did What???????

I'm sure you've all heard people say that becoming a parent changes your life.  Now that is true, but I believe becoming a parent really changes you at your very core and then YOU change your life to accommodate for these changes in yourself.  I'm not just talking about things like going to bed at 7:30 because you know you're going to be waking up every two hours for the next 10 and that's the only way you won't be a complete zombie the next day. Or cutting back on salt because you want to live a little bit longer now that you're a parent.  Or watching your language because you don't want your kindergartner showing off their awesome vocabulary to their teacher, and if you think for one second that they won't then you are an idiot.  It envelopes so much more than that.  So I've put together a small list of things that I have done since I became a mom that I didn't really think I would ever do.

1.  Eat other peoples leftovers.  A couple of bites of macaroni and cheese, pizza slices, triangles of cold grilled cheese sandwiches, pudding cups etc.  You name it...I've probably eaten a bite of it. All on the same day.  And called it my lunch.  For some reason, we don't mind making 14 different things for our kids to eat because heaven forfreakinbid they should all want the same thing on the same day, but making ourselves a sandwich is just too much work.

2.  Wipe someone elses butt.  Put a suppository in someone elses butt.  Look for a rash in someone elses butt.  Rub ointment in someone elses butt. Or anything else butt related .  You'll do it.  And feel like a fully accredited medical doctor while doing it.  You may even diagnose someone elses butt ailment then you will feel REALLY smart.

3.  Know what words like Rhinovirus, Rotovirus, Giardia, RSV, Fifths Disease, Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease, Croup and Scarlet Fever actually are AND how to treat them medically and homeopathically.  Once again making you feel like a fully accredited medical doctor.

4.  Locked myself in my bedroom and screamed...MOMMYS IN TIME OUT!!!!! At the top of my lungs.

5.  Locked myself in my bedroom while frantically searching for where the hell Patrick hid my peppermint bark from last Christmas because I need it right freakin now or else someone may have to die.

6.  Said I had to poop when I really didn't have too and yelled things like..."Oh man...this is bad." or "I feel sorry for whoever has to come in here next." just to keep people away from the door.

7.  Walked into an Albertsons, bought some groceries, came back out and realized that I left my car running the whole time.  Thank goodness that didn't happen in West Valley.

8.  Pulled into a parking stall and hit the pole separating the ridiculously close parking stalls at the back door of my car.  Instead of  backing out of the stall and readjusting and pulling back in, I got out of my car, walked to the back and tried to lift the back end and move it around so I could pull in straight.

(7 and 8 are what waking up every 2 hours for 6 months straight will do to you.)

9.  Knocked on the door of the apartment above me and asked the people to please have sex later because my baby is sleeping below them and it's really weirding me out that they are having sex so close to him. ( Just an FYI...If you do this, they will call you mean names, slam the door in your face and report you to the apartment manager.)

10.  Go to concerts (The Wiggles), movies (The Spongebob Movie), and listen to music (Beiber),that in most cases having all your fingernails pulled out with pliers would be higher on your list of things to do, and be happy to do it because it makes your kids so freaking happy that you are doing it with them that you can't help but be happy too.

11.  Cooked up a can of green beans to serve with a happy meal so my kids can have a "healthy" meal.

12.  Consider splashing water on my face and eating a squirt of toothpaste "cleaning up" for the day.

13.  Smelled the crotch of a pair of sweatpants, consider their condition by the smell then put them bad boys back on.

14.  Worn Elmo slippers willingly.

15.  Sat in a shirt covered in someone elses vomit because for the first time in two days they finally fell asleep and I know if I move to change it will wake them up.

16.  Loved someone so much that the idea of throwing myself in front of a bus to save them doesn't even make me blink.

These are just a few things that I've done that I never thought I would do.  Many of them I hope that now that my kids are a bit older I never, ever, ever for the love of all that's good and holy ever have to do again.  But if I had to, I would and feel like a fully accredited medical doctor doing it.

Friday, September 6, 2013


As a parent you hear all these stories and read all these studies about how having a healthy attachment to your children affects them.  But no one ever really talks about how that attachment affects the parent.  My Maddi started full day school this year, and I have to say that I am not handling it well.  It's not that I love her more than my other kids.  I had a hard time when they left too.  I think the main difference is that up until now I always had another one at home.  She is the last and I am very lonely with her gone.  The fact that several nights they go to their dads and I don't get to see any of them at all just exacerbates the problem.

I spoke to so many people who said I would get used to it and love the time.  Well, it's been two months and I'm not used to it.  On that same topic, it's been two years since we started trading time between parents and I'm not used to that.  Maybe it's because I'm a mom.  It's all I really know how to be.  My job is to take care of my kids and now I have 8 hours with no one to take care of.  It's hard.

Maddi and I had a routine for about a year.  We came home from  school at around lunch time, did homework, made lunch then laid in my bed and watched Wreck It Ralph.  You would think I would get sick of it, but since we were coming off our Swan Princess run; I was grateful for the change.  We would eat lunch and cuddle and tickle and laugh.  And it was fun.  And I miss it tons.  So now I play this song on repeat and dance around my house and miss my munchkin when she goes to school.  On the bright side, I'm sure I'm burning calories and releasing endorphins.

PS...Maddi is going to be Vanelope Von Schweets for Halloween.  Guess who's going to be Wreck It Ralph.  :)

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Happiness Is A Choice

Once upon a time I used to blog and then my kids started summer vacation and I was lucky to have time to shower. Now they are back in school and I have cleaned my house, ran and showered so I figured I might as well say a little something. About a month ago I bought this little sign for my house that says Happiness Is A Choice. I bought it mainly because I thought it was bull and Patrick and I have fun laughing at things that are bull. There are so many external factors that interfere with our happiness on a daily basis how could it possibly be a choice of our own. First and foremost in the external factor category is the stupidity of people that we wish we could avoid but for one reason or another we just can't. Peoples choices are like that whole butterfly effect thing...only actually real not like a crappy Ashton Kutcher movie. Sometimes it's inadvertent but there are those times when people just want to be asshats, and their choices and actions trickle down into your realm and mess stuff up.

 Before I begin on my real rant I just want to say...Don't do that. It's mean and makes you a big, fat jerk. But if that's how you are then the point is probably to be mean and these words are lost on you. So I'll say this instead...If you are mean and trying to be a big, fat jerk at least own it. Don't pretend to be a good person when you obviously aren't.

 Now back to the point...Over the last few weeks I've been doing a little self experiment and it goes like this. When I wake up in the morning I list 10 things that I am grateful for or make me happy. They don't have to be different every day. And they don't have to be big things. Sometimes I'm grateful I remembered to run the dishwasher so I didn't have to wash bowls for the kids breakfast. That's step one. Step two...exercise. I know it's stupid but I always feel better when I exercise. I'm a bit self loathing and this shows that I am at least making an attempt at a better, healthier me. And it gives me time to just zone out for an hour before I have to get on with the real world. Step 3...If something comes up during the day take 5 minutes before giving any type of response. This gives you a chance to be more careful in your words or actions towards someone else, or if it's just a mental thing to calm down and put it in perspective. A few weeks ago my mom put this on my facebook wall.

It's kind of what started this whole thing. I am the type of person that will sit and stress over a thousand different outcomes to one scenario without taking into account that 999 won't even happen and I shouldn't be wasting the time and energy stressing about it. I know that there are a lot of people like me who waste a lot of time with unnecessary stressing. So, I saw this thing from my mom and then a day or so later I saw a quote in a photoshop discussion forum that said "Happy people aren't grateful. Grateful people are happy." I decided to put these two ideas together and see if happiness really is a choice separate from all the crap we have to deal with from other people. And my personal conclusion is that it really is. When I spend time everyday focusing on the things in my life that I am grateful for instead of stressing over unimportant (and sometimes important but shouldn't be all consuming) crap, I am much happier and therefore my family is much happier. I spent a lot of years having guilt for doing anything for myself. As a women we are taught that our families come first. Our husbands, kids, home and any other responsibilities we have take precedence over ourselves. One thing that I have realized in doing my experiment is that all of things I just listed make me who I am. I wouldn't be me without my husband and kids and friends. So choosing to take time to better yourself benefits them almost as much as it does you. So I'm not going to have guilt when I take a nap after I spend 5 hours cleaning carpet or get a pedicure because it makes me feel pretty because those things make me happy. And I choose to be happy.

it's been too long.

Here's a news flash...

I can be bitchy. I know, I know... hard to believe. It's true, though.

Acceptance is the first step, peeps.

I met a boy a while ago. Ok, a long while ago. He's the only boy who ever really impacted my life(well, there was that one boy who broke my heart that one time- but it was only one time).  I was the kind of girl who thought she was too good for guys. I wasn't going to let them bring me down. I knew what they wanted and they weren't getting it from me. So you can imagine, when I met the boy that did things to my heart, I freaked out.  I wasn't even very nice to him. I'm embarrassed about it now, but I'm a spicy girl and you gotta earn the inner circle with me. Especially if you're a boy. Stacy can testify. He's got a heart of gold and he passed all the tests. He was the best decision I ever made. And that amazing decision has lead to a million amazing blessings. I'm a grateful girl.

I never listen to the radio, but I heard this song in the car, and it is perfect. I love how music can say what I never can.

Mikey, I'm still into you, and I will be forever and ever. You have my whole heart.

Somethings just make sense, and one of those is you and I.

P.S. I kinda dig her hair. And I wanna fill the living room with balloons and have a boat ride. We can put the kids to bed early. It'll be fun.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Goodness Matters Part One

A few months ago I took up residence with a "realist".  Now, that's not a bad thing.  It's actually a very good thing.  I, however, am not a realist.  I'm the exact opposite of realist.  I'm a fantasylandist.  Or whatever the technical word is for that.  I like to believe that most people, there are the exceptions, but most people are innately good.  That although we do stupid things from time to time it isn't our intention to leave our blinker on for 10 miles annoying the person behind us.  Even though it isn't our intention, we are busy and sometimes self serving.  So, I had an idea and I collaborated with Layne and she agreed that I'm basically a genius.  I have decided to put together a list of things that us normal people can do to help counteract what the stupid people do that annoy us normal people.  A pay it forward sort of thing, but not really.   So here it goes...


1.  Layne introduced the "blowing kisses for middle fingers" campaign a few months ago and I think it's a keeper.  It's spreading the love people.  And I've noticed two outcomes from this.  One...people think you're silly and smile after you do it or two...it makes them wicked mad and you better be in a position to make a quick escape.  I would also not suggest doing this to someone who could seriously mess you up if they wanted to.  Just sayin...

2.  I think everyone should keep a bag of small wrapped candy in their car at all times.  Like Starburst or Dum Dums.  Why?  Whenever you are in a school zone and there are a bunch of kids out there you can throw them candy.  Like a parade.  And as a bonus if you wear a tiara and do the wave you can feel like Miss America in your own personal one car parade.  Just be careful you don't hit the crossing guard.  They don't like that.

3.  When you're stopped in a construction site roll down your window and tell the poor workers out there in the freaking heat doing that horrific job thank you.  I bet they just get yelled and honked at most of the time.  I think that would make me cry if people were always yelling and honking at me.


I feel that in the spirit of fairness I need to disclose that I absolutely refuse to use public restrooms in even the cleanest of establishments unless the situation is dire.  And by dire I mean I have goosebumps from having to poop really bad. Or that one time I watched all three Lord Of The Rings movies in the theater and drank like 70 ounces of Diet Coke.  But anyway...

1.  Using your foot that is inside a sock and inside a shoe, a steel toe boot if possible, and without looking, go into each stall and flush all the toilets.  There is nothing worse than walking into a stall and seeing some strangers stuff.  I know people like to blame it all on kids, but I've been in establishments that don't allow kids and seen other peoples stuff.  

2.  On a personal note follow the old poem..."If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat."  I get it.  Really.  From one hoverer to the next...sometimes your stream strays.  Wipe that stuff up.  It's not that hard.

3.  Wipe out your sink and the surrounding counter top so that the next person who comes in to wash their hands doesn't soak the front of their shirt reaching for the soap dispenser.

4.  If you're in a restroom with one of those super powerful Dyson dryers with a friend, tell them you'll give them a dollar if they sit on it.  Trust me.  It'll make your day better.


1.  Always say "sammich" at fast food restaurants.  Always.  

2.  Always say "please" and "thank you".  They hate their jobs.  They don't need you being rude.

3.  It's not their fault that they have to ask you for your email and phone number and what color your underwear are.  It's their job, and we've already established that they hate their jobs.  Just graciously decline.

4.  Always take your feminine hygiene products through a teenage boys line.  They love that crap.

5.  Always take condoms through an old ladies line.  They love that crap.  


1.  Never park in the "Stork Parking" stalls just because you've put on a few pounds.  It probably wouldn't kill you to walk a little farther anyway.

2.  Always put your cart in the cart corral.  

3.  Don't ignore little kids who are obviously panicked because they have lost their parents in Target.  

4.  If a frazzled mom is in front of you in line, make funny faces at her kids.  Or tell them Laffy Taffy jokes.  Believe me, being able to run your debit card and enter your pin without worrying about your kids running out the door is HUGE. 

5.  Tell people if they have crap in their teeth.  Or if they have tucked their dress into their underwear.  Or if they have tp on their shoe.  They want to know.

I think that's a good start.  This will be a recurring theme as Layne and I think of other things that would make our world way more awesome to live in.  So go out there and flush some toilets and have a fabulous day.

Friday, May 24, 2013

How Music Has Made Me A Better Parent.

Several months ago I was going somewhere with the girls, I can't remember where, and we were listening to John Lennon on my IPod.  About halfway through the song 'Imagine' Lilly asked me what it was about, so I explained to her that it was about peace and loving everyone and that if we removed all the "stuff" that we deem as important in our lives we would see that we are all the same and maybe we'd be able to get along.  I explained to her that it was about hope.  A couple minutes later I looked over and she was crying.  I asked her if she was okay and she said..."Yes.  I just wish this is what our world was really like."

Ever since that day whenever we are in the car together she asks me what songs mean and I do my best to explain to her what I think they mean.  Sometimes they are meaningful, and other times she shares my sentiment that a song is really stupid.  Like that where have you been all my li i i ife song...Just dumb.  But anyway,  I love that we can share that time together because music is important to me and I'm glad that it is to her as well.  Actually all my kids are music buffs.  They all have their own tastes, and they are all very "passionate" about what they think is the best.

I was thinking the other day about my love for music and how it has been a part of my parenting.  We always  have music on in our home.  There was a time when I thought it was super hilarious to blast Welcome To The Jungle as loud as it would go to wake the kids up in the morning.  They didn't think it was nearly as funny as I did, but a mom has to get her giggles in some how. It also makes me super proud that my kids know who Queen, The Who and Van Halen are. So I thought it would be kind of fun to give a run down of some of the ways that music has helped me to be a better parent.

First, sometimes songs just embody a sentiment much more than you can as a mere emotional mortal.  When I think about how I feel about my kids there is only one that comes to mind.  When my kids are feeling down I just want them to listen to this song until they feel better. I want them to understand that no matter what I will always stand up for them and that I will always love them!!!

And I want them to head bang through the chorus.

Second,  being a music lover has made me a translator.  How, you ask?  I'll show you

The Woo-Hoo song = The Walk of Life, Dire Straits
The Sun Goes Down song = Glad You Came, The Wanted
Oh Number One = Only The Young, Brandon Flowers
The Chipmunk Song = Sleepyhead, Passion Pit
Smile Like You'll Eat It = Smile Like You Mean It, The Killers
That one song with the piano that I like = This Ain't Goodbye, Train

You get the idea...

Third, being a music lover has taught me maturity and restraint.  Instead of singing..."If I ever did that, I think I'd have a fart attack."  and totally offend my girls who love that song,  I sing it right out loud, but wrong in my head and then silently laugh to myself.  As a side note, fart can be changed for heart in any pop song and still make total sense.  You should try it sometime.  (E.g... I'm only gonna break, break a break break a fart.)

Going along with number three but in a positive direction, sometimes changing the words to songs is super fun and appropriate and won't offend anyone.  Like when potty training it's 100% appropriate to sing "My girl has to potty all the time, potty all the time, potty all the time."

 Or..."Maddi Joooooooo...she's a vegetarian, Maddi Jo, Maddi Jo."  When you're just trying to make your kids smile.

I started singing this song to Maddi on the way home from the hospital the day she was born and almost 6  years later I still sing it to her.  Sometime I change it to veterinarian or Presbyterian just to mix it up a bit.

Fourth, being a music lover has taught me patience.  When I flip through the channels and hear the same song on 7 different channels and the kids insist we stop and listen to however much of the song is left on every single channel;  I smile and sing along.  It's the only way people.  Don't try to fight it.  Just know in a few short weeks Rihanna will release a new song and you'll only hear that one incessantly for the next few weeks.

Fifth,  your kids like it when you show interest in the things they love.  So, I know all the words to every One Direction, Bieber, Hot Chelle Rae etc...song out there.  And I sing along with them all.  Sometimes I don't even do it on purpose.  Also,  it's important to understand that even though Harry gets all the attention, Zane is really the talented one and WAAAAAY hotter too.  Just sayin...that kind of info will keep you in good with the 2nd graders.  And you should probably turn a blind eye when you see your kindergartner kissing her Bieber poster.  Don't even act like you didn't do the same thing to Jordan Knight when he was hanging on your wall.

So,  these are just a few areas where music has helped me in my parenting.  Music is it's own language and sometimes it's much easier to express how we feel using it.  On that note,  I leave you with this...

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Happy Birthday, Moz

Today marks the birth of a man who many people (including himself) think is pretty awesome. I have found that he's quite polarizing. Either you love him, or you hate him. There's really no middle ground.

I love him. My life literally changed the first time I heard Bigmouth Strikes Again.



 I was instantly cooler. It was a Friday night and some friends and I were on the way to a party. Evidently there was a boy there- we would surely hit it off instantly and were destined to meet. That's a story for another time, however, as we know how Moz gets when he doesn't get all the attention.... So here you go, and here's hoping he gets well enough to tour again because I need to cross him off my bucket list.

In honor of such greatness, I'm posting 2 songs, here are a couple of my favorites.

PS...Dear blog readers,  Please do not send Layne hate mail for "not getting Moz's birthday right'.  She totally did, but this completely un-user friendly and really retarded new blogger platform has taken it upon itself to vex her life.  She knew it was yesterday.  Thank you and have a nice day.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I love this song, and I don't care who knows it.

 That is all.

Monday, March 25, 2013

It's been a while.

It has been brought to my attention that I have not posted a blog in exactly 150 years. That's a mighty long time.

I had a slight brush with death today. Nothing gradiose happened.
 I did not see any visions of my life flash before my eyes.
 I didn't have any heartwarming thoughts of the people I love.
I simply blew a kiss to a large black man.
It's my automatic response when I'm flipped off.
He didn't like it.

At all.

 I might add here that he was not terribly attractive. LL Cool J is a beautiful man. He looked nothing like LL. One would think that he'd be grateful a cute girl is blowing him a kiss. Maybe he was overwhelmed. Whatever he was, I thought he was gonna stop his car and beat me. Being the brave girl I am, I hit the gas and hightailed it outta sight.

That's pretty much the whole story. Nothing too crazy. I guess I should start yelling at people in french when they flip me off, but it loses it's fun when people stare blankly and flip you off again.
So I will continue to blow kisses.

I believe in love, after all...

I also believe in music. I have no profound and perfect song to go with this story, really..... I just have a song that I love, and has been playing in my head for about a month.

It's no secret that I love a boy with an accent. This one happens to be from Wales. While this isn't my favorite band, I do appreciate them quite a bit. And thus far, this is my favorite song from them. I love it. It's about 8 years old, but it's fanfreakingtastic. His voice has been described with one word... ''whiskey"...

That is all.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Happy Friggin' Valentines Day

I was perusing the interweb today looking for ideas for Patrick for Valentines Day, and I must say that the people who write these "14 things to get your man for Valentines Day" type articles have the weirdest boyfriends/husbands on the planet. Here are a few things that don't quite embody my love for Patrick.
Yep.   It's a heart shaped paper weight with chalk.   It could be useful.  Holds your papers down in case there's a sudden breeze.  You can write yourself a little note.  Or you can throw it at someones head when you get in a fight.  How'd your wife die again?  I bludgeoned her to death with my wicked lame Valentines gift.  Don't even act like that's not how it wouldn't go down.
Okay...If your dude is  gypsy or something, then maybe.  Otherwise, this is just going to stress him out.  He'll be looking at that one line and wondering when he's going to die.  Then he'll look at that other line and think you're cheating. Or he'll think you're calling him a pickle.  Which is just weird. This will not work out well for the giver, believe me.  With the exception of not messing up your coffee table, there is no good that can come from this gift.

They're rocks.  With words on them.  My kids did stuff like this for Mothers Day in Kindergarten.  For free.  Not $59.99 plus shipping and handling.
I'm sorry.  But if your significant other would wear this then he's a dork.  Or you're dating Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Because nothing says I love you like telling him to go wash his damn face.  You should throw some dental floss in the bag with it.  And some vaseline, just in case.

This year I think I'm going to go with a classic.  A coupon book for sex.  Works every time.

Dear Layne

My phone broke.  I have no facebook.  You have too many email accounts so I don't know which one to use.  Send me a message on gchat if you want to talk.  Thank you and have a nice day.

Love, Me.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

I like Owl City and I Don't Care What You Think

I've said it before that I'm a lyrics girl.  It's probably why I don't like a lot of the music on the radio today.  Because it's stupid and repetitive.  I hate that crap.  Unless I'm dancing or running.  Then I don't want to think so it doesn't matter. It's also why I get really annoyed when a song comes out that has a catchy little beat that gets stuck in my head like this one and I just walk around randoming yelling out "Pa Pa Americano!"  Super annoying for everyone involved.   It's also why I super mega love Owl City.  I don't care what you think.  I know he can be cheesy, but his lyrics are clever and I like them and his music makes mopping the hardwoods in my house way more enjoyable.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that I actually listen to music most of the time and then I think about stuff.  I think that's why I apply so many of my best memories to songs.  Like whenever I hear A Thousand Years by Christina Perri I think of the moment I saw Pat standing at the alter on our wedding day and that if it hadn't been a ridiculously treacherous hill and I wasn't wearing a super poofy dress I would have throw out all decorum and ran to him as fast as I could.  Or when I hear Next Year by Foo Fighters I think of dancing with Nathan in my living room when he was just a baby.  And We Love You by OMD makes me think of all the shenanigans that Layne and I pulled as teenagers.  And Forever Young by AlphaVille makes me think of Stake dances.  Which in turn makes me laugh really loud because the only reason I went to Stake dances was to hang out with Ben Nolan and it's funny to me that the same girl who would sneak out of her bedroom window to hang out by the beach with missionaries also had a crush on the stake presidents son.  Until he got a perm and then I was like..Dude! You have a perm and that's wicked lame.  But anyway...

Today I was cleaning and listening to Owl City and the song Vanilla Twilight came on.  I've always liked the song.  It's a bit of a cheesy love song, so I started thinking about the different kinds of love.  Obviously there's romantic love and all that it encompasses, but there's a more pure kind of love than that.  The love between a parent and a child.  The reason I think it is more pure is because I believe that neither party would ever intentionally hurt the other, in most cases.  Of course we do from time to time, but I don't think it's on purpose and I think that when it's discovered there is always an instant regret. I don't think we set out to hurt our spouses or friends and I believe there is regret, but not to the same degree as a parent and child. Our kids can be the most obnoxious, horrible human beings on the planet and we would still step in front of a bus to save their lives.  I'm not a psychologist so I don't know why that is.  Maybe it's because as a parent and child we are a part of each other.  Maybe it's because we see so much of ourselves in the other and we know what hurts us and how it feels so we don't want to inflict that on them.  I don't know, but whatever it is it's real, and it's strong.  This train of thought then lead me to my friend Tom and his daughter Airlia.  I like to watch their interactions because they have a very special and strong bond and even though they are in a situation where they don't get to see each other as much as they would like they don't let that affect the relationship they have.  So, as I was listening to the words to this song today I thought...I bet this is exactly how Tom feels when he thinks about Airlia.  It's a special kind of love story between a dad and his daughter.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A Brutal Truth

I posed a question, mainly to myself, yesterday.  I wonder why we try to be good and kind and honest when people don't see us that way at all and we end up apologizing and explaining our intentions?  We do it because we're told that it's right.  We need to be politically and socially correct.  We don't want to hurt any feelings.  I guess there are a lot of reasons why we do it.  There was a time when I would blog on a weekly basis.  I used this blog as a way to express my feelings.  Feelings that I felt I couldn't share with anyone else.  Why?  Because I didn't want to hurt anyone.  I felt like if I put them out there in an ambiguous way I'd be safe from ridicule or persecution.  Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way.  Everything I wrote, or felt, was turned and used as a weapon against me later.  So I stopped writing.  I kept everything inside.  I learned that, at least for me, my feelings didn't matter.  That if I felt hurt or sad I needed to bury it because putting it out there might hurt someone else and they mattered a lot more than I did.

This post isn't about my feelings.  It's about a realization that I had.  I realized that the reason why I have this constant war in myself is because I am trying to be good and kind and honest and that's not who I am.  That's why I am constantly filled with shame and guilt.  Why I am constantly apologizing and wondering why people assume the worst in me.  You can't fool people forever.  Eventually who you truly are will shine through.  I think it has in me for a while.   They assume the worst in me because that's who I am.  So, I'm done asking for the benefit of the doubt and I'm done giving it.  I'm done thinking that people should be on "my side" when it hits the fan because I am just left disappointed.  I may not be good, kind or honest, but I'm not scared to stand alone either. I know it may not seem like it because I try to surround myself with people, but the truth of the matter is, just like they see through me I can see through them and I've known for a while just how alone I am.  I am a fiercely loyal person and it's been hard for me to acknowledge that, but it  has actually just left me questioning myself and I can't do that anymore.  I need to be the one to stand up for me.

So assume the worst.  Side with others.  Question my motives and intent.  You're probably right to do it, but know that I'll be doing the same thing to you.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Super Awesome Resolution and Theme Song Post. YAY!!!

It's that time of year again.  You know the one where we all make ridiculous goals that we never keep and end up feeling like crap about it later.  This year I decided to only set one ridiculous goal and a bunch of achievable ones.  This way at the end of the year I can feel totally successful in my endeavors.  This is also the time of the year where I like to choose my theme song.  Sometimes it's hard for me to pick one, but not this year.  I already know it.  It already makes me smile every time I hear it.  Mainly because I have been thinking about these achievable goals for a bit now and I'm pretty excited for them.  So...here they go...

I have been told over and over that I am a peacemaker.  I think that when most people hear that their first reaction would be well that's a good thing.  And it is for the most part.  As long as bringing peace doesn't mean you back down from everything you know is right.  Or say things to ease the blow.  Or take all the burden on yourself so others won't have to face it.  This is what I do.  Instead of standing up and sometimes making other people angry, I back down.  Every time.  It never fails.  I have literally kept myself awake at night thinking of something different to say other than what actually needs to be said so that someone won't be mad.  I'm not doing that anymore.  Sometimes crap happens.  Sometimes people make a mistake.  Sometimes people are deliberate jerk faces.  Whatever it is it needs to be faced.  And I'm not going to be scared anymore.  If my apology isn't enough for you when I offer it, not my problem.  If I'm a deliberate jerk face, then I should face the consequences of that as well.  So achievable goal number one...stand up for myself and my actions.

I had a realization the other day while going through some old facebook statuses using the timeline feature...I'm funny.  Like really funny.  Over the last few years, because of stuff in my life, I've kind of lost that.  I've been sad and angry and a bit bitter.  I like funny me better.  Yes, I've been through a lot of stuff, but I've had so many amazing wonderful things happen over the last year that the bad stuff seems pretty small at this point.  I'm helping no one by being sad and angry so I'm done.  For good.  It's kind of a great feeling to let go and not look bad. So consider this a warning to you all...no one is safe from my sarcasm. No. One.  Achievable goal number two...Stacys gonna get her funny back.

I have had so many changes happen over the last year that I've had a hard time getting back into a routine.  I was just complaining to a friend today that I can never keep my house clean.  And those of you who know me fairly well know that I like my house clean.  I function much better that way.  But for some reason, I just haven't been able to keep a handle on it since moving here in September.  For a while, I was saying that I just realized that other things were more important than cleaning.  And that is true to an extent.  But like I said earlier, I function better in a clean house.  I am a better mom when I'm not worrying about stuff I have to do because it's already done.  I'm a better wife when I have a menu and a grocery list and I make the meals on that menu.  Why?  Because I like order.  Achievable goal number three...I'm gonna get my house back in order.  The way that it should be.  With me walking around with my cape and tiara while vacuuming, folding laundry, making homemade bread, helping with homework, giving baths and balancing the national budget all at once.  So actually...achievable goal number three...I'm gonna get my super mom back.

I've spent most of my life living for someone else.  I'm a mom so that's expected and that's not going to change.  What is going to change is how I view the things going on around me.  I'm going to make a conscious effort to find the beauty and good things in my life.  And no, this isn't my unachievable goal.  I actually think this is going to be the easiest one of all.  Why?  Because I have a lot to be grateful for.  I've been able to work out a lot of things over the last few months.  I know Patrick gets irritated with me because he's always asking me what I'm thinking about and I always say nothing.  So here's the answer to what I've been thinking about for the last few months.  I'm a good person.  I make mistakes.  A lot of them.  But that's okay because I have learned so much.  I've learned how to listen. Really listen to what is important.  Not all the fluff that people say to cover up their true intentions.   I've learned how to laugh again.  I remember how good that feels.  To laugh so hard you start crying and can't stop.  I've learned how to love again.  Without holding anything back.  To be completely vulnerable and not afraid of rejection.   I've learned what it really means to be a friend. And to have a friend.  That people who are your friends don't need your constant validation.  Aren't easily offended because they know you and love you in spite of yourself.  I've learned that even though it's hard and that there may be some residual fall back, cutting toxic people out of your love can be so freeing.  I've learned that I don't have to respond to every accusation, lie or question of character that is thrown in my path.  I've learned that this is my life.  And the only person that I have to answer for or to is myself.  I am the only one who can set my path and I'm the only one who is responsible for it so I need to live in a way that will make ME proud.  If I do that the people that truly matter will be proud too.  Achievable goal number four...Catch my breath.

Unachievable goal number one...be super excited to go to the gym every day.  Eat a healthy diet.  Lose all this stupid weight.  Being super excited is the unachievable part.  I'll do the other stuff, but you better believe I'll be complaining the entire time.