Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Goodness Matters Part One

A few months ago I took up residence with a "realist".  Now, that's not a bad thing.  It's actually a very good thing.  I, however, am not a realist.  I'm the exact opposite of realist.  I'm a fantasylandist.  Or whatever the technical word is for that.  I like to believe that most people, there are the exceptions, but most people are innately good.  That although we do stupid things from time to time it isn't our intention to leave our blinker on for 10 miles annoying the person behind us.  Even though it isn't our intention, we are busy and sometimes self serving.  So, I had an idea and I collaborated with Layne and she agreed that I'm basically a genius.  I have decided to put together a list of things that us normal people can do to help counteract what the stupid people do that annoy us normal people.  A pay it forward sort of thing, but not really.   So here it goes...


1.  Layne introduced the "blowing kisses for middle fingers" campaign a few months ago and I think it's a keeper.  It's spreading the love people.  And I've noticed two outcomes from this.  One...people think you're silly and smile after you do it or makes them wicked mad and you better be in a position to make a quick escape.  I would also not suggest doing this to someone who could seriously mess you up if they wanted to.  Just sayin...

2.  I think everyone should keep a bag of small wrapped candy in their car at all times.  Like Starburst or Dum Dums.  Why?  Whenever you are in a school zone and there are a bunch of kids out there you can throw them candy.  Like a parade.  And as a bonus if you wear a tiara and do the wave you can feel like Miss America in your own personal one car parade.  Just be careful you don't hit the crossing guard.  They don't like that.

3.  When you're stopped in a construction site roll down your window and tell the poor workers out there in the freaking heat doing that horrific job thank you.  I bet they just get yelled and honked at most of the time.  I think that would make me cry if people were always yelling and honking at me.


I feel that in the spirit of fairness I need to disclose that I absolutely refuse to use public restrooms in even the cleanest of establishments unless the situation is dire.  And by dire I mean I have goosebumps from having to poop really bad. Or that one time I watched all three Lord Of The Rings movies in the theater and drank like 70 ounces of Diet Coke.  But anyway...

1.  Using your foot that is inside a sock and inside a shoe, a steel toe boot if possible, and without looking, go into each stall and flush all the toilets.  There is nothing worse than walking into a stall and seeing some strangers stuff.  I know people like to blame it all on kids, but I've been in establishments that don't allow kids and seen other peoples stuff.  

2.  On a personal note follow the old poem..."If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat."  I get it.  Really.  From one hoverer to the next...sometimes your stream strays.  Wipe that stuff up.  It's not that hard.

3.  Wipe out your sink and the surrounding counter top so that the next person who comes in to wash their hands doesn't soak the front of their shirt reaching for the soap dispenser.

4.  If you're in a restroom with one of those super powerful Dyson dryers with a friend, tell them you'll give them a dollar if they sit on it.  Trust me.  It'll make your day better.


1.  Always say "sammich" at fast food restaurants.  Always.  

2.  Always say "please" and "thank you".  They hate their jobs.  They don't need you being rude.

3.  It's not their fault that they have to ask you for your email and phone number and what color your underwear are.  It's their job, and we've already established that they hate their jobs.  Just graciously decline.

4.  Always take your feminine hygiene products through a teenage boys line.  They love that crap.

5.  Always take condoms through an old ladies line.  They love that crap.  


1.  Never park in the "Stork Parking" stalls just because you've put on a few pounds.  It probably wouldn't kill you to walk a little farther anyway.

2.  Always put your cart in the cart corral.  

3.  Don't ignore little kids who are obviously panicked because they have lost their parents in Target.  

4.  If a frazzled mom is in front of you in line, make funny faces at her kids.  Or tell them Laffy Taffy jokes.  Believe me, being able to run your debit card and enter your pin without worrying about your kids running out the door is HUGE. 

5.  Tell people if they have crap in their teeth.  Or if they have tucked their dress into their underwear.  Or if they have tp on their shoe.  They want to know.

I think that's a good start.  This will be a recurring theme as Layne and I think of other things that would make our world way more awesome to live in.  So go out there and flush some toilets and have a fabulous day.

Friday, May 24, 2013

How Music Has Made Me A Better Parent.

Several months ago I was going somewhere with the girls, I can't remember where, and we were listening to John Lennon on my IPod.  About halfway through the song 'Imagine' Lilly asked me what it was about, so I explained to her that it was about peace and loving everyone and that if we removed all the "stuff" that we deem as important in our lives we would see that we are all the same and maybe we'd be able to get along.  I explained to her that it was about hope.  A couple minutes later I looked over and she was crying.  I asked her if she was okay and she said..."Yes.  I just wish this is what our world was really like."

Ever since that day whenever we are in the car together she asks me what songs mean and I do my best to explain to her what I think they mean.  Sometimes they are meaningful, and other times she shares my sentiment that a song is really stupid.  Like that where have you been all my li i i ife song...Just dumb.  But anyway,  I love that we can share that time together because music is important to me and I'm glad that it is to her as well.  Actually all my kids are music buffs.  They all have their own tastes, and they are all very "passionate" about what they think is the best.

I was thinking the other day about my love for music and how it has been a part of my parenting.  We always  have music on in our home.  There was a time when I thought it was super hilarious to blast Welcome To The Jungle as loud as it would go to wake the kids up in the morning.  They didn't think it was nearly as funny as I did, but a mom has to get her giggles in some how. It also makes me super proud that my kids know who Queen, The Who and Van Halen are. So I thought it would be kind of fun to give a run down of some of the ways that music has helped me to be a better parent.

First, sometimes songs just embody a sentiment much more than you can as a mere emotional mortal.  When I think about how I feel about my kids there is only one that comes to mind.  When my kids are feeling down I just want them to listen to this song until they feel better. I want them to understand that no matter what I will always stand up for them and that I will always love them!!!

And I want them to head bang through the chorus.

Second,  being a music lover has made me a translator.  How, you ask?  I'll show you

The Woo-Hoo song = The Walk of Life, Dire Straits
The Sun Goes Down song = Glad You Came, The Wanted
Oh Number One = Only The Young, Brandon Flowers
The Chipmunk Song = Sleepyhead, Passion Pit
Smile Like You'll Eat It = Smile Like You Mean It, The Killers
That one song with the piano that I like = This Ain't Goodbye, Train

You get the idea...

Third, being a music lover has taught me maturity and restraint.  Instead of singing..."If I ever did that, I think I'd have a fart attack."  and totally offend my girls who love that song,  I sing it right out loud, but wrong in my head and then silently laugh to myself.  As a side note, fart can be changed for heart in any pop song and still make total sense.  You should try it sometime.  (E.g... I'm only gonna break, break a break break a fart.)

Going along with number three but in a positive direction, sometimes changing the words to songs is super fun and appropriate and won't offend anyone.  Like when potty training it's 100% appropriate to sing "My girl has to potty all the time, potty all the time, potty all the time."

 Or..."Maddi Joooooooo...she's a vegetarian, Maddi Jo, Maddi Jo."  When you're just trying to make your kids smile.

I started singing this song to Maddi on the way home from the hospital the day she was born and almost 6  years later I still sing it to her.  Sometime I change it to veterinarian or Presbyterian just to mix it up a bit.

Fourth, being a music lover has taught me patience.  When I flip through the channels and hear the same song on 7 different channels and the kids insist we stop and listen to however much of the song is left on every single channel;  I smile and sing along.  It's the only way people.  Don't try to fight it.  Just know in a few short weeks Rihanna will release a new song and you'll only hear that one incessantly for the next few weeks.

Fifth,  your kids like it when you show interest in the things they love.  So, I know all the words to every One Direction, Bieber, Hot Chelle Rae out there.  And I sing along with them all.  Sometimes I don't even do it on purpose.  Also,  it's important to understand that even though Harry gets all the attention, Zane is really the talented one and WAAAAAY hotter too.  Just sayin...that kind of info will keep you in good with the 2nd graders.  And you should probably turn a blind eye when you see your kindergartner kissing her Bieber poster.  Don't even act like you didn't do the same thing to Jordan Knight when he was hanging on your wall.

So,  these are just a few areas where music has helped me in my parenting.  Music is it's own language and sometimes it's much easier to express how we feel using it.  On that note,  I leave you with this...

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Happy Birthday, Moz

Today marks the birth of a man who many people (including himself) think is pretty awesome. I have found that he's quite polarizing. Either you love him, or you hate him. There's really no middle ground.

I love him. My life literally changed the first time I heard Bigmouth Strikes Again.



 I was instantly cooler. It was a Friday night and some friends and I were on the way to a party. Evidently there was a boy there- we would surely hit it off instantly and were destined to meet. That's a story for another time, however, as we know how Moz gets when he doesn't get all the attention.... So here you go, and here's hoping he gets well enough to tour again because I need to cross him off my bucket list.

In honor of such greatness, I'm posting 2 songs, here are a couple of my favorites.

PS...Dear blog readers,  Please do not send Layne hate mail for "not getting Moz's birthday right'.  She totally did, but this completely un-user friendly and really retarded new blogger platform has taken it upon itself to vex her life.  She knew it was yesterday.  Thank you and have a nice day.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I love this song, and I don't care who knows it.

 That is all.