Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Know when to hold em...

Have you ever had one of those days when you had a crap ton to do, and your mind knows you have to get it done but your body just can't do it anymore? Well, I've had one of those years. Only in reverse. Physically, I'm fine. Well, if you don't count the extra poundage I'm packing around my hips. But man, psychologically I'm toast. It seems like everyday is more emotionally and mentally draining than the next. I swear I'm getting more stupid by the minute because I just can not cognitively function at full capacity anymore. How do you recoup from that? Take a vacation? Go to the spa? I don't know. It seems to me every time I try to rest, there's just more to do the next day. And I'm not gonna lie. I'm kind of tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to make everything right and everyone happy. It never turns out that way and no one ever is. There's always someone to find fault in what you've done. And am I happier? That's what was supposed to happen. You work hard, you do what's right. You pray, fast and read the scriptures and things are supposed to get better. Well, it doesn't always work that way. Apparently. Things can go great for a couple of days. Even a couple of weeks and then WHAMO!! You're right back where you started. I'm sick of starting over. I want the progression. I want to see that the effort I've exuded has made some sort of effect. So what do you do when this doesn't happen after multiple attempts? When you just keep losing hand after hand? Well, maybe it's just time to fold.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Home Sick....

I've been really homesick lately. Not for New England, even though it's beautiful and all my family is there now, good ol' VA will always be my home. I grew from a gawky teenager to the wicked bombshell I am today on those streets. I miss clamming with Rebecca on Langley then going for chili at the 'O' club. I miss picking up Layney at Monteys Penguin and then getting into way too much trouble. I miss dunkin' donuts at 5 am on Buckroe Beach watching the sun rise. I miss watching fireworks every 4th at Mt. Trashmore with my family. I miss Bluebird Gap Farm. I miss getting up in the morning and saying hmmm....Water Country, Busch or Kings Dominion and then throwing a cooler in the car and going. I miss Melissa Mansfield Fiero. That was a fun car. I miss Pizza Hut after football games. And Chilis after choir concerts. I miss the heat and the sun. The sun so bright that you can't open your eyes all the way. I miss all my friends that are still there who keep asking me when I'm gonna come back to visit. One day...I promise.

Anyway...this band epitomizes my summers in my 1988 Chrysler LeBaron. Love them. And I love VA.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

This is how I'm feeling today...

I think I need to unplug for a while until it passes. Try to focus on what's actually real in my life. Play with the kids. See ya when the sun comes out.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Because I love you. Part deux.

Don't ever feel like you aren't ok. You amaze me with your strength and integrity. I know that life is difficult. Sometimes we have people or situations in our lives that make us feel less than great. But you are fabulous. Really. Do not allow anyone to tell you any differently. Ever.

There are times that we make choices that are not the best for us, and then we hurt because of the consequences of said choices, but that's how we learn. I personally believe you can screw up as much as you need to, as long as you learn from your mistakes. Never look at your mistakes as failures, simply as growth opportunities. No one should condemn you for growing.

I know that we haven't had time to catch up lately, and I feel really out of the loop. That makes me sad because I have always been comforted by knowing that you are only a phone call away, and that the sound of your voice can make troubles seem less significant. It would break my heart if I didn't have our friendship to lean on in times of trouble.

You are an inspiration to me and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. It makes me sad when you don't see your worth. You are one of my most favorite people in the whole world and I hate that we don't live closer. Please let's promise that no matter how busy we get, or how bad things suck that we will always be there, and we will not ever allow anything to ruin our friendship.

I love you.

Friday, March 11, 2011


I love the sun. Thank goodness it's been out the last few days. Even though the weather change did give me a head cold, I can't bring myself to care. I love going out into my backyard and laying on my porch swing. I still wrap up in my snuggie cause it's not really that warm yet. But to just lay there with the sun on my face has felt amazing.

This winter has been long. And hard. And dark. I'm ready for the sun. I'm ready to stand in the middle of the park and turn my face to the sun and put my arms out to the side and turn around in circles until I fall down. I'm ready for all the things that spring time brings. That warm fresh scent of clean air and hyacinths. Cool breezes and warm sun. Being able to open up the windows of the house and that openness. No longer being cooped up. Rebirth and renewal. I love it. And I feel like I'm among the things being renewed. I've grown a lot this winter. But the one thing that I think I have learned and taken to heart is that no matter what happens life goes on.

It always has and will continue to do so no matter what happens. One of the greatest lessons I have learned over the past few months is being able to see things from anothers perspective and not just mine. Even if I feel I'm right, to be able to step outside myself and understand why others think they are right. And accept that their reasoning is just as valid as my own. To not be so hasty in my reactions. I hope I can continue to do that. It's a great lesson for me to have learned.

I hope the spring brings continual peace and renewal. And if it doesn't I just need to remember to learn the lessons I'm meant to learn and that life goes on...

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Let the sun shine, baby!

Wow. I was reading over the last few posts and we are a bunch of sad sacks lately.

Life is hard. We all struggle. We need to make sure that the people we love know that we love them. Every day.

We will be caught in thunderstorms. The skies will darken and the rain will pour. But we must always remember that after the rain, the sun shines. (Insert cheesy Nelson song here) Remember to look past the clouds. There is always sun after rain.

Sometimes you just need perspective.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

A Dark Cloud...

Do you ever feel like you are covered by a dark cloud? Occasionally, the sun will break through and throw a little bit of light your way. But it always comes creeping back. And it's not necessarily anything that happens. I have a problem with thinking. I wish I could stop. Stop thinking. Stop remembering. Stop asking 'what if?'

I've had a few relationships over the past two years that have failed and I keep going back to them and wondering where I went wrong. The first was me trying to do what I thought was the right thing. I backed away in hopes of keeping a family in tact. That wasn't what my counterpart wanted and decided that if it couldn't be his terms it couldn't be anything. The second, well, I'm tired of talking about that one. I'll never understand it. And I'll probably never make peace with it. The third, and this is the one I've been thinking about today, was entirely my fault. There was a disagreement and instead of accepting where I was wrong and saying I was sorry, I let my pride get in the way. I found every excuse in the book to justify my behavior. I look back on it now, and I was intentionally trying to push this person away. I have an extreme fear of losing my independence. I lived in a box for a lot of years being someone I wasn't just to make someone else happy. And the fear of being in that position again is so overwhelming it almost drowns me. The second reason is because I wanted to see how easily he would let me go.

After the first two relationships failed I began questioning myself. What was I doing wrong? Did I expect to much and not give enough? Why is it that a person could tell me that they loved me yet walk away from me so easily? Was it a personality flaw? Or am I just that forgettable? I wanted someone to say "I love you and you're worth the fight. You can't push me away.' Needless to say, he didn't. He just turned and walked away too. So, I guess my little experiment worked. Just not in the way that I had hoped. I do know that they all failed because of me. I'm the only common denominator. I just haven't quite figured out what it is about me yet that makes it so easy for people to leave.

All of these people have been attracted to me for the same reasons. I'm funny, flirty, independent, say what's on my mind, strong. (Their words, not mine.) But once in a relationship they don't want these qualities anymore. They suddenly become a threat. And I don't know how to make these fit into the "relationship box" without giving up some of who I am. I know myself. And when I am committed to a person. I am committed. And I guess I don't like that questioned because someone is suddenly uncomfortable with the qualities that attracted them to me in the first place. It seems a little unfair. But maybe I'm just making excuses again. It seems likely that I am.

Hopefully the cloud will pass over me for good one day. Until then I guess I'll just keep to myself and learn how to function in the dark.

Friday, March 4, 2011

This is How I'm Feeling- CLeO StYLe

Ever feel like you mean nothing? Like you're invisible? Like no one cares? Like every move you make is inconsequential? You try to reach out because you need a comforting word and you are just ignored?

Yeah... it sucks.

I'm having a hard time and no one to confide in. Everyone is too busy. Too preoccupied with their own stuff. I get that. I spent 40 plus hours last week alone studying for one 50 question exam. I'm not someone who likes to bother people with my own stuff. But sometimes you just need a shoulder. Or a kind word. Or someone to be proud of your accomplishments- however insignificant they seem.

I frankly, don't have time for this crap. But how do you cope when you have no one to lean on? What do you do when you're too tired to walk?

I'm hoping that the sun will shine tomorrow and wash it away. For now, I'm going to try and sleep.