Monday, August 30, 2010

I wish I could have great thoughts at a decent hour...

Sometimes so many things happen in our lives all at once that it's hard to keep a steady grasp on what's important. So, we bend and shift who we are to fit our environment. To be able to function. To be able to survive. We make choices that are so far out of character for us that it's like we've stepped outside of ourselves and let someone else steer the ship for a while. Then for a brief moment our eyes are opened. You look in the mirror and wonder who is this person looking back at me. Where's the happiness? Where's the smile and bright eyes? Where's the laughter? Where's the joy? Why am I holding this handful of pills trying to find myself in them?

I was sitting on my back porch this morning watching it rain and pondering the path that I have ahead of me. It's a rough road I'm about to walk. I'm just beginning it and I'm already a little off track. So, I started to panic a little. Wondering how am I going to do this and stay true to who I am? The answer came to me so clearly that I almost felt like an idiot that it was so simple.

I've always been one to give myself completely to those that I love. And I don't give up on people. And I realized that I had. I'd given up on myself. I let someone that I love more than life itself push me away. Say they didn't need me because of fear. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm standing up for love. It's my choice.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A Walk Down Memory Lane...

I love it when radio stations change their format overnight without giving you any warning. I went from listening to Utahs Alternative Station to Music for Generation X without skipping a beat. But I'm okay with that because I am generation X and they considered an over abundance of Erasure and Pet Shop Boys as alternative music, which it clearly is not. So, I'm in the kitchen this morning putting dinner in the crock pot when this song came on. It came out my sophomore year in high school. And they played it on 90210 a lot. Let's take a moment to remember Luke Perry in his younger days...

Okay moving on... I actually never watched 90210 until after I had my first baby. When I was home alone all day with nothing to do,except sit around and hold a baby, which is awesome. But anyway...they showed all the reruns from start to finish on TNT or something like that. And I was addicted. I had become one of those people that I mocked relentlessly in high school, as an adult. I remember talking to Jeremy Farris, whom I had a ginormo crush on, on the phone one night and hearing the 90210 theme song playing in the background and I picked on him for watching it because it was such a lame show. Yeah, he never called me again after that.

Anyway... I love, love, love, love this song to this day.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I Want The Fairy Tale....

Words made famous by Julia Roberts. But what about us normal people? The average folk. The ones searching for the right person. The one who fills that void in your heart, who completes you and makes you whole again. Where's our fairy tale ending?

I think there comes a time in each persons life when they have to take a step back and instead of searching for happiness in someone else, find it in themselves. Make peace with mistakes we have made and get rid of the guilt. Guilt is probably one of the most toxic and debilitating emotions. It keeps us from moving forward. From being able to open ourselves up to another person. And it breeds fear. We begin to not trust ourselves and our feelings and our worth to receive love and kindness and friendship from another person.

I wish I knew the answer of how to rid ourselves of these emotions. Every one searches for peace in their own way. But you can't just sit stagnant and hope it gets better. You can't occupy your time with things and hope that it will just go away. It's work and it's hard as hell. But if you have people who are willing to help you and carry some of the weight when it's too much to bear, let them. You don't have to be alone.

As for me, I'll keep hoping for the fairy tale. My very own John Cusack holding a boom box over his head in the middle of my street.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Simpler Times....

If you could go back and do it all again, what would you change? For me, it would be to not make huge life altering decisions while too young to have any clue what I was getting myself into. To stand up for myself and wants and dreams before they were so shattered that you can never put them back together no matter how hard you try. To be wiser in the friends that I chose. To remove the ones that were toxic to me before it was too late. And many many other things.

One thing that I would not change is some of the dear friendships that I have fostered over the years. The kind where you lose touch for 10 years, get on the phone one day and pick up right where you left off. If I didn't have my friends I would be totally alone and lost. That's a terrible way to spend your life.

And it seems like yesterday, it was just a dream. Those days are gone...just memories.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Anybody wanna go skating?

oh yeah, babe...

Put on your leg warmers and make sure you get all the mac and cheese outta your braces!

We are gonna ParTaY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Friday night and we are gonna skate 'til dawn!!!!!!!!!!! Or... until your dad comes to pick us up at 10:30.

There's a good chance I'm turning to the dark side...

I've now find two country-ish songs that I can't resist. I'm a lyrics girl, so when something is applicable to my life or touches me in some way, I don't really care who's singing it. Also, my sweet friend Pat is in love with her so she can't be all bad because he has impeccable taste.

So here I go again falling in love with a country song. Plus, I've been listening to Incubus on repeat for two weeks now and I needed a reprieve for a little while. :)

Don't even try to act like you don't like this song. It's sweet and gives hope to the hopeless. I think I'll post that one too.

I'm feeling weirdly happy today. Maybe it's the 15 different uppers I'm taking finally kicking in. Who knows, but I like it. Feels like the me that I like is finally surfacing again. It's gonna be a good day. :)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sometimes it's the little things that count...

I love being a mom. Probably one of the greatest pleasures in my life. My squirts are so sweet and love unconditionally. No matter how f'ed up their mom gets from time to time. They're always there with an excessive amount of hugs and kisses. My son, Nathan, who is 10, hugs me every morning before he leaves for school and says "You gonna be okay today, mom? You can come and take me out of school if you need me." Don't read to much into that and ruin my moment. But it's those little things that make me so grateful to have such wonderful little people in my life.

One thing that all my kids have inherited from me is their love for good music. So, we were sitting around the other day and I asked all of them what their favorite songs were. Here are their choices.




And Mads...

She actually requested the chipmunk version. But I have to invoke parental discretion at some point.

Love those monkeys...

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." I read that somewhere, but I can't place the title of the book right now. I'm sure it'll come to me.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

* Sigh*

I neeeeeeeeeeeed this. Okay, I just really want it. But I want it really, really bad.

I really need to stay off the Brighton web site.

Just sayin...

Click here for purchasing options. :)

This one's for Big Mama....

"You don't have what they call 'the social skills'. That's why you never had no friends cept fo yo momma."

Love you B.

I'm sooooo over it.

I adore them, but they have GOT to go.

My house is a mess.

I have a headache.

I'm tired of hearing my name.

It's not even my real name, for crap's sake.

Monday, August 9, 2010

A Glimpse of Perfection...

One of my favorite quotes says...“Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.” Simplicity is a beautiful thing. And there is nothing more simple than loving someone.

There is nothing I would take away. And nothing I would add. I'm lucky to know you. And better for it.

You'll always be perfect to me.

Don't Get Hit By A Tidal Wave Whilst Swimming Naked. Just Sayin...