Thursday, January 31, 2013

Happy Friggin' Valentines Day

I was perusing the interweb today looking for ideas for Patrick for Valentines Day, and I must say that the people who write these "14 things to get your man for Valentines Day" type articles have the weirdest boyfriends/husbands on the planet. Here are a few things that don't quite embody my love for Patrick.
Yep.   It's a heart shaped paper weight with chalk.   It could be useful.  Holds your papers down in case there's a sudden breeze.  You can write yourself a little note.  Or you can throw it at someones head when you get in a fight.  How'd your wife die again?  I bludgeoned her to death with my wicked lame Valentines gift.  Don't even act like that's not how it wouldn't go down.
Okay...If your dude is  gypsy or something, then maybe.  Otherwise, this is just going to stress him out.  He'll be looking at that one line and wondering when he's going to die.  Then he'll look at that other line and think you're cheating. Or he'll think you're calling him a pickle.  Which is just weird. This will not work out well for the giver, believe me.  With the exception of not messing up your coffee table, there is no good that can come from this gift.

They're rocks.  With words on them.  My kids did stuff like this for Mothers Day in Kindergarten.  For free.  Not $59.99 plus shipping and handling.
I'm sorry.  But if your significant other would wear this then he's a dork.  Or you're dating Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Because nothing says I love you like telling him to go wash his damn face.  You should throw some dental floss in the bag with it.  And some vaseline, just in case.

This year I think I'm going to go with a classic.  A coupon book for sex.  Works every time.

Dear Layne

My phone broke.  I have no facebook.  You have too many email accounts so I don't know which one to use.  Send me a message on gchat if you want to talk.  Thank you and have a nice day.

Love, Me.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

I like Owl City and I Don't Care What You Think

I've said it before that I'm a lyrics girl.  It's probably why I don't like a lot of the music on the radio today.  Because it's stupid and repetitive.  I hate that crap.  Unless I'm dancing or running.  Then I don't want to think so it doesn't matter. It's also why I get really annoyed when a song comes out that has a catchy little beat that gets stuck in my head like this one and I just walk around randoming yelling out "Pa Pa Americano!"  Super annoying for everyone involved.   It's also why I super mega love Owl City.  I don't care what you think.  I know he can be cheesy, but his lyrics are clever and I like them and his music makes mopping the hardwoods in my house way more enjoyable.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that I actually listen to music most of the time and then I think about stuff.  I think that's why I apply so many of my best memories to songs.  Like whenever I hear A Thousand Years by Christina Perri I think of the moment I saw Pat standing at the alter on our wedding day and that if it hadn't been a ridiculously treacherous hill and I wasn't wearing a super poofy dress I would have throw out all decorum and ran to him as fast as I could.  Or when I hear Next Year by Foo Fighters I think of dancing with Nathan in my living room when he was just a baby.  And We Love You by OMD makes me think of all the shenanigans that Layne and I pulled as teenagers.  And Forever Young by AlphaVille makes me think of Stake dances.  Which in turn makes me laugh really loud because the only reason I went to Stake dances was to hang out with Ben Nolan and it's funny to me that the same girl who would sneak out of her bedroom window to hang out by the beach with missionaries also had a crush on the stake presidents son.  Until he got a perm and then I was like..Dude! You have a perm and that's wicked lame.  But anyway...

Today I was cleaning and listening to Owl City and the song Vanilla Twilight came on.  I've always liked the song.  It's a bit of a cheesy love song, so I started thinking about the different kinds of love.  Obviously there's romantic love and all that it encompasses, but there's a more pure kind of love than that.  The love between a parent and a child.  The reason I think it is more pure is because I believe that neither party would ever intentionally hurt the other, in most cases.  Of course we do from time to time, but I don't think it's on purpose and I think that when it's discovered there is always an instant regret. I don't think we set out to hurt our spouses or friends and I believe there is regret, but not to the same degree as a parent and child. Our kids can be the most obnoxious, horrible human beings on the planet and we would still step in front of a bus to save their lives.  I'm not a psychologist so I don't know why that is.  Maybe it's because as a parent and child we are a part of each other.  Maybe it's because we see so much of ourselves in the other and we know what hurts us and how it feels so we don't want to inflict that on them.  I don't know, but whatever it is it's real, and it's strong.  This train of thought then lead me to my friend Tom and his daughter Airlia.  I like to watch their interactions because they have a very special and strong bond and even though they are in a situation where they don't get to see each other as much as they would like they don't let that affect the relationship they have.  So, as I was listening to the words to this song today I thought...I bet this is exactly how Tom feels when he thinks about Airlia.  It's a special kind of love story between a dad and his daughter.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A Brutal Truth

I posed a question, mainly to myself, yesterday.  I wonder why we try to be good and kind and honest when people don't see us that way at all and we end up apologizing and explaining our intentions?  We do it because we're told that it's right.  We need to be politically and socially correct.  We don't want to hurt any feelings.  I guess there are a lot of reasons why we do it.  There was a time when I would blog on a weekly basis.  I used this blog as a way to express my feelings.  Feelings that I felt I couldn't share with anyone else.  Why?  Because I didn't want to hurt anyone.  I felt like if I put them out there in an ambiguous way I'd be safe from ridicule or persecution.  Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way.  Everything I wrote, or felt, was turned and used as a weapon against me later.  So I stopped writing.  I kept everything inside.  I learned that, at least for me, my feelings didn't matter.  That if I felt hurt or sad I needed to bury it because putting it out there might hurt someone else and they mattered a lot more than I did.

This post isn't about my feelings.  It's about a realization that I had.  I realized that the reason why I have this constant war in myself is because I am trying to be good and kind and honest and that's not who I am.  That's why I am constantly filled with shame and guilt.  Why I am constantly apologizing and wondering why people assume the worst in me.  You can't fool people forever.  Eventually who you truly are will shine through.  I think it has in me for a while.   They assume the worst in me because that's who I am.  So, I'm done asking for the benefit of the doubt and I'm done giving it.  I'm done thinking that people should be on "my side" when it hits the fan because I am just left disappointed.  I may not be good, kind or honest, but I'm not scared to stand alone either. I know it may not seem like it because I try to surround myself with people, but the truth of the matter is, just like they see through me I can see through them and I've known for a while just how alone I am.  I am a fiercely loyal person and it's been hard for me to acknowledge that, but it  has actually just left me questioning myself and I can't do that anymore.  I need to be the one to stand up for me.

So assume the worst.  Side with others.  Question my motives and intent.  You're probably right to do it, but know that I'll be doing the same thing to you.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Super Awesome Resolution and Theme Song Post. YAY!!!

It's that time of year again.  You know the one where we all make ridiculous goals that we never keep and end up feeling like crap about it later.  This year I decided to only set one ridiculous goal and a bunch of achievable ones.  This way at the end of the year I can feel totally successful in my endeavors.  This is also the time of the year where I like to choose my theme song.  Sometimes it's hard for me to pick one, but not this year.  I already know it.  It already makes me smile every time I hear it.  Mainly because I have been thinking about these achievable goals for a bit now and I'm pretty excited for them. they go...

I have been told over and over that I am a peacemaker.  I think that when most people hear that their first reaction would be well that's a good thing.  And it is for the most part.  As long as bringing peace doesn't mean you back down from everything you know is right.  Or say things to ease the blow.  Or take all the burden on yourself so others won't have to face it.  This is what I do.  Instead of standing up and sometimes making other people angry, I back down.  Every time.  It never fails.  I have literally kept myself awake at night thinking of something different to say other than what actually needs to be said so that someone won't be mad.  I'm not doing that anymore.  Sometimes crap happens.  Sometimes people make a mistake.  Sometimes people are deliberate jerk faces.  Whatever it is it needs to be faced.  And I'm not going to be scared anymore.  If my apology isn't enough for you when I offer it, not my problem.  If I'm a deliberate jerk face, then I should face the consequences of that as well.  So achievable goal number one...stand up for myself and my actions.

I had a realization the other day while going through some old facebook statuses using the timeline feature...I'm funny.  Like really funny.  Over the last few years, because of stuff in my life, I've kind of lost that.  I've been sad and angry and a bit bitter.  I like funny me better.  Yes, I've been through a lot of stuff, but I've had so many amazing wonderful things happen over the last year that the bad stuff seems pretty small at this point.  I'm helping no one by being sad and angry so I'm done.  For good.  It's kind of a great feeling to let go and not look bad. So consider this a warning to you one is safe from my sarcasm. No. One.  Achievable goal number two...Stacys gonna get her funny back.

I have had so many changes happen over the last year that I've had a hard time getting back into a routine.  I was just complaining to a friend today that I can never keep my house clean.  And those of you who know me fairly well know that I like my house clean.  I function much better that way.  But for some reason, I just haven't been able to keep a handle on it since moving here in September.  For a while, I was saying that I just realized that other things were more important than cleaning.  And that is true to an extent.  But like I said earlier, I function better in a clean house.  I am a better mom when I'm not worrying about stuff I have to do because it's already done.  I'm a better wife when I have a menu and a grocery list and I make the meals on that menu.  Why?  Because I like order.  Achievable goal number three...I'm gonna get my house back in order.  The way that it should be.  With me walking around with my cape and tiara while vacuuming, folding laundry, making homemade bread, helping with homework, giving baths and balancing the national budget all at once.  So actually...achievable goal number three...I'm gonna get my super mom back.

I've spent most of my life living for someone else.  I'm a mom so that's expected and that's not going to change.  What is going to change is how I view the things going on around me.  I'm going to make a conscious effort to find the beauty and good things in my life.  And no, this isn't my unachievable goal.  I actually think this is going to be the easiest one of all.  Why?  Because I have a lot to be grateful for.  I've been able to work out a lot of things over the last few months.  I know Patrick gets irritated with me because he's always asking me what I'm thinking about and I always say nothing.  So here's the answer to what I've been thinking about for the last few months.  I'm a good person.  I make mistakes.  A lot of them.  But that's okay because I have learned so much.  I've learned how to listen. Really listen to what is important.  Not all the fluff that people say to cover up their true intentions.   I've learned how to laugh again.  I remember how good that feels.  To laugh so hard you start crying and can't stop.  I've learned how to love again.  Without holding anything back.  To be completely vulnerable and not afraid of rejection.   I've learned what it really means to be a friend. And to have a friend.  That people who are your friends don't need your constant validation.  Aren't easily offended because they know you and love you in spite of yourself.  I've learned that even though it's hard and that there may be some residual fall back, cutting toxic people out of your love can be so freeing.  I've learned that I don't have to respond to every accusation, lie or question of character that is thrown in my path.  I've learned that this is my life.  And the only person that I have to answer for or to is myself.  I am the only one who can set my path and I'm the only one who is responsible for it so I need to live in a way that will make ME proud.  If I do that the people that truly matter will be proud too.  Achievable goal number four...Catch my breath.

Unachievable goal number super excited to go to the gym every day.  Eat a healthy diet.  Lose all this stupid weight.  Being super excited is the unachievable part.  I'll do the other stuff, but you better believe I'll be complaining the entire time.