I'm officially old.

My sweet lil girl started high school a couple of weeks ago. I'm not gonna lie. I was a little sad about it.
In the movie Father of the Bride, at one point, Steve Martin's character is looking at his daughter and he didn't see her as a the grown up she was, he saw her as a child, in different stages of her childhood and was sad about it. That's what happened to me when she was climbing those stairs to the front door of the high school for the first time. She looked so small and fragile. She is neither of those things, but as she was walking, I saw my little kindergartener going into this huge school that I was afraid she wasn't ready for. The school she's going to is HUGE. I'm talking college campus huge. Had I taught her enough? Had I suffiently helped her build her self esteem? Will she remember to kick boys "where it counts" if they deserve it? Will she make friends and have someone to eat lunch with?
It was rough at first. She has her first class at 6:45. She's not a morning person. But I think things are going to be ok. She's a good girl and she's smart. She doesn't have a perfect mother, but she has a mom who thinks she's amazing, and knows that she can do anything she puts her mind to.

Here's a song that she loves and I hope it makes her smile.

I like it when she smiles.

That's What Friends Are For...?

I jokingly put a mock ad on my facebook account today asking for friends. Although it was silly, it was how I felt. I don't know what it is about women. And maybe it's not even all of them, but we need companionship. We need other women in our lives to share things with. To get pedicures and talk crap. Men think we're weird. They don't understand why their company isn't enough for us, but it just isn't. There is a bond between women that is just different. A sisterhood if you will.

I feel like I lost a very close friend today. Someone who I had put a lot of trust and faith into. Someone that I thought would always be there for me unconditionally, through thick and thin. Someone who didn't judge and loved me in spite of all of my mistakes. It turns out it was only contingent on me living my life according to her standards. And now, in a time of desperate need she can't be there for me because she doesn't agree with how things have turned out.

My heart aches. I feel like a gaping hole has been left. I'm tired of being hurt by people. I'm tired of feeling worthless. Like I'm less. Like a failure. Like I let people down. So, with that said...I'm going to hide for a bit. Lick my wounds and hopefully come back with a bit more resilience. Add another layer to the shell.

On this day in history...

Here I am yet again celebrating the birth of an another amazing person. My beautiful Elizabeth Grace. Probably the wisest 6 year old you will ever have the pleasure to meet. She's a watcher. She will know if you're worth her time before she gives you a second of it. And she is quite possibly the best judge of character I have ever met.

She takes no bull. Not from me, her dad or her brother and sisters. She doesn't think twice about telling you that your butt does indeed look fat in those jeans. Or that your hair looks stupid. She applies make up with more precision than most grown women and can accessorize like a fashionista.

She is incredibly kind and loving. She feels the pain that others feel. She is the first to ask for, and offer, forgiveness. She gives 100% of her heart to those that have earned it.

When she was born we had decided to call her Grace. I always loved the name and wanted that to be hers. But it became apparent from the get go that she was not a Grace but a Biz. She is tough but gentle. Course but kind. Strong but soft. She's my Bizzy Bop. And I adore her.

I started playing this song as soon as we got in the car to bring her home, and even though she didn't end up a Gracie it still became her song. Whenever she was upset we could play it for her and she would calm down. Even now she'll ask me to play her song for her when we're in the car.



Happy Birthday my beautiful Angel and total hard ass!!!