Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Goodness Matters Part One

A few months ago I took up residence with a "realist".  Now, that's not a bad thing.  It's actually a very good thing.  I, however, am not a realist.  I'm the exact opposite of realist.  I'm a fantasylandist.  Or whatever the technical word is for that.  I like to believe that most people, there are the exceptions, but most people are innately good.  That although we do stupid things from time to time it isn't our intention to leave our blinker on for 10 miles annoying the person behind us.  Even though it isn't our intention, we are busy and sometimes self serving.  So, I had an idea and I collaborated with Layne and she agreed that I'm basically a genius.  I have decided to put together a list of things that us normal people can do to help counteract what the stupid people do that annoy us normal people.  A pay it forward sort of thing, but not really.   So here it goes...


1.  Layne introduced the "blowing kisses for middle fingers" campaign a few months ago and I think it's a keeper.  It's spreading the love people.  And I've noticed two outcomes from this.  One...people think you're silly and smile after you do it or makes them wicked mad and you better be in a position to make a quick escape.  I would also not suggest doing this to someone who could seriously mess you up if they wanted to.  Just sayin...

2.  I think everyone should keep a bag of small wrapped candy in their car at all times.  Like Starburst or Dum Dums.  Why?  Whenever you are in a school zone and there are a bunch of kids out there you can throw them candy.  Like a parade.  And as a bonus if you wear a tiara and do the wave you can feel like Miss America in your own personal one car parade.  Just be careful you don't hit the crossing guard.  They don't like that.

3.  When you're stopped in a construction site roll down your window and tell the poor workers out there in the freaking heat doing that horrific job thank you.  I bet they just get yelled and honked at most of the time.  I think that would make me cry if people were always yelling and honking at me.


I feel that in the spirit of fairness I need to disclose that I absolutely refuse to use public restrooms in even the cleanest of establishments unless the situation is dire.  And by dire I mean I have goosebumps from having to poop really bad. Or that one time I watched all three Lord Of The Rings movies in the theater and drank like 70 ounces of Diet Coke.  But anyway...

1.  Using your foot that is inside a sock and inside a shoe, a steel toe boot if possible, and without looking, go into each stall and flush all the toilets.  There is nothing worse than walking into a stall and seeing some strangers stuff.  I know people like to blame it all on kids, but I've been in establishments that don't allow kids and seen other peoples stuff.  

2.  On a personal note follow the old poem..."If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat."  I get it.  Really.  From one hoverer to the next...sometimes your stream strays.  Wipe that stuff up.  It's not that hard.

3.  Wipe out your sink and the surrounding counter top so that the next person who comes in to wash their hands doesn't soak the front of their shirt reaching for the soap dispenser.

4.  If you're in a restroom with one of those super powerful Dyson dryers with a friend, tell them you'll give them a dollar if they sit on it.  Trust me.  It'll make your day better.


1.  Always say "sammich" at fast food restaurants.  Always.  

2.  Always say "please" and "thank you".  They hate their jobs.  They don't need you being rude.

3.  It's not their fault that they have to ask you for your email and phone number and what color your underwear are.  It's their job, and we've already established that they hate their jobs.  Just graciously decline.

4.  Always take your feminine hygiene products through a teenage boys line.  They love that crap.

5.  Always take condoms through an old ladies line.  They love that crap.  


1.  Never park in the "Stork Parking" stalls just because you've put on a few pounds.  It probably wouldn't kill you to walk a little farther anyway.

2.  Always put your cart in the cart corral.  

3.  Don't ignore little kids who are obviously panicked because they have lost their parents in Target.  

4.  If a frazzled mom is in front of you in line, make funny faces at her kids.  Or tell them Laffy Taffy jokes.  Believe me, being able to run your debit card and enter your pin without worrying about your kids running out the door is HUGE. 

5.  Tell people if they have crap in their teeth.  Or if they have tucked their dress into their underwear.  Or if they have tp on their shoe.  They want to know.

I think that's a good start.  This will be a recurring theme as Layne and I think of other things that would make our world way more awesome to live in.  So go out there and flush some toilets and have a fabulous day.


Iron Knight said...

Who's the new realist you're living with? Anyway, this post actually made me want to be nicer. Except, when it comes to the email address in stores. I'll politely decline the first time they ask; but when they persist I will stop being so polite.

And as for the cart corral: you should add that people ought to put stray carts in the cart corral when not terribly inconvenient. I couldn't tell you how many times I've stopped stray carts from blowing into cars. That's frustrating.

Also, exercise extreme caution when giving candy to strange children.

FanStacia said...

I'll make a note of the stray carts for my next installment. And it's okay to give out candy if it's wrapped. It's like Halloween, only instead of putting it in a bag I get to peg it at them out of my car window. Don't even act like that doesn't sound like fun.

rebeldiamond said...

Love it! You make me smile.