Tuesday, October 1, 2013

You Did What???????

I'm sure you've all heard people say that becoming a parent changes your life.  Now that is true, but I believe becoming a parent really changes you at your very core and then YOU change your life to accommodate for these changes in yourself.  I'm not just talking about things like going to bed at 7:30 because you know you're going to be waking up every two hours for the next 10 and that's the only way you won't be a complete zombie the next day. Or cutting back on salt because you want to live a little bit longer now that you're a parent.  Or watching your language because you don't want your kindergartner showing off their awesome vocabulary to their teacher, and if you think for one second that they won't then you are an idiot.  It envelopes so much more than that.  So I've put together a small list of things that I have done since I became a mom that I didn't really think I would ever do.

1.  Eat other peoples leftovers.  A couple of bites of macaroni and cheese, pizza slices, triangles of cold grilled cheese sandwiches, pudding cups etc.  You name it...I've probably eaten a bite of it. All on the same day.  And called it my lunch.  For some reason, we don't mind making 14 different things for our kids to eat because heaven forfreakinbid they should all want the same thing on the same day, but making ourselves a sandwich is just too much work.

2.  Wipe someone elses butt.  Put a suppository in someone elses butt.  Look for a rash in someone elses butt.  Rub ointment in someone elses butt. Or anything else butt related .  You'll do it.  And feel like a fully accredited medical doctor while doing it.  You may even diagnose someone elses butt ailment then you will feel REALLY smart.

3.  Know what words like Rhinovirus, Rotovirus, Giardia, RSV, Fifths Disease, Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease, Croup and Scarlet Fever actually are AND how to treat them medically and homeopathically.  Once again making you feel like a fully accredited medical doctor.

4.  Locked myself in my bedroom and screamed...MOMMYS IN TIME OUT!!!!! At the top of my lungs.

5.  Locked myself in my bedroom while frantically searching for where the hell Patrick hid my peppermint bark from last Christmas because I need it right freakin now or else someone may have to die.

6.  Said I had to poop when I really didn't have too and yelled things like..."Oh man...this is bad." or "I feel sorry for whoever has to come in here next." just to keep people away from the door.

7.  Walked into an Albertsons, bought some groceries, came back out and realized that I left my car running the whole time.  Thank goodness that didn't happen in West Valley.

8.  Pulled into a parking stall and hit the pole separating the ridiculously close parking stalls at the back door of my car.  Instead of  backing out of the stall and readjusting and pulling back in, I got out of my car, walked to the back and tried to lift the back end and move it around so I could pull in straight.

(7 and 8 are what waking up every 2 hours for 6 months straight will do to you.)

9.  Knocked on the door of the apartment above me and asked the people to please have sex later because my baby is sleeping below them and it's really weirding me out that they are having sex so close to him. ( Just an FYI...If you do this, they will call you mean names, slam the door in your face and report you to the apartment manager.)

10.  Go to concerts (The Wiggles), movies (The Spongebob Movie), and listen to music (Beiber),that in most cases having all your fingernails pulled out with pliers would be higher on your list of things to do, and be happy to do it because it makes your kids so freaking happy that you are doing it with them that you can't help but be happy too.

11.  Cooked up a can of green beans to serve with a happy meal so my kids can have a "healthy" meal.

12.  Consider splashing water on my face and eating a squirt of toothpaste "cleaning up" for the day.

13.  Smelled the crotch of a pair of sweatpants, consider their condition by the smell then put them bad boys back on.

14.  Worn Elmo slippers willingly.

15.  Sat in a shirt covered in someone elses vomit because for the first time in two days they finally fell asleep and I know if I move to change it will wake them up.

16.  Loved someone so much that the idea of throwing myself in front of a bus to save them doesn't even make me blink.

These are just a few things that I've done that I never thought I would do.  Many of them I hope that now that my kids are a bit older I never, ever, ever for the love of all that's good and holy ever have to do again.  But if I had to, I would and feel like a fully accredited medical doctor doing it.

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