I can't stay....

Those of you that know me fairly well know that although I may not be a "religious" person per se, I am a spiritual person. I believe in God and that he has a plan for us and loves us. I believe that there is good in most people. I do search for meaning in the things that have happened and try to learn from those things. And most of all, even though my life is full of mistakes, I do try to be a good person. I try to see the positive in bad situations, although sometimes I do become overwhelmed. I try to see the good in all people. One of my best, and worst, qualities is how quickly I am able to forgive and forget. It's good for me to be able to do that, but I have a hard time understanding when it is not reciprocated. I have been told that it is a spiritual gift that I have been blessed with and that a lot of others just do not have the capacity for it.

Today I am struggling with the small mindedness of some. I guess I just can't understand why people focus on one aspect of a persons life and draw so many conclusions from it. How they can automatically assume that someone is a bad person because they see a bottle of rum on their kitchen counter. In my opinion, spiritual vices are just as, if not more, harmful than physical ones. Feeling that you have the right to look down on someone because you don't agree with how they live their lives. It's fine to not agree, it's not okay to pass judgment.

I have a dear friend, her name is Gen Faumuina. She is a beacon of hope to me of what people should be like. She is probably the most kind, understanding, compassionate non judgmental person I have ever met in my entire life. She is good and pure and giving. She never has time for herself because she is so busy doing for everyone else. I instantly loved her the moment I met her and I count her among my best and dearest friends because she can say, Stacy, look at what you're doing. This isn't who you are. And she can do it in a way that I know she isn't judging me, but genuinely sees me for who I am and the potential that I have. I hope to one day be half the woman, friend, mother and wife that she is.

But anyway...my point is this...I have made a personal discovery over the last few weeks that I hope I can implement in my life. I don't need to explain my every action to people. I am not accountable to anyone here, but myself and my children. I don't need reasons. I don't need excuses. I am just me. And that's enough. And if it isn't for you, then see ya round. But don't point a finger of judgment at me and treat me like I am less, because the fact that you are doing it shows that you have just as much work to do in your own life as I have in mine. One of my favorite scriptures is in 1 Samuel 16:7...(yeah, I know the bible, what of it?) And the point is that man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. And I think that people who truly love you and know you look there too. They know the person you really are. And when you make a mistake, they can just take your hand and help you stand up. And they are willing to do it over and over and over again until your footing is secure and you can walk alone. They expect nothing in return. Nothing has to be owed. Nothing has to be earned it just is. These are the people you should surround yourself with because they are the ones who will always be there.

I like to look for spiritual things in music. I don't like church music. I think most of it is pretty cheesy. So I look for messages in other areas. And when I first heard this song it wasn't one of my favorites. But now I love it. And the beautiful thing is that music can take on any meaning that you need it to.

I've been in the dark for a while now. And I can't stay. It's time for me to face my decisions and go home.