UGH!!!!!!!!!

You know how there are those certain artists that get so overplayed that you just hate them no matter what? Well, Taylor Swift is that artist for me. I actually liked her back in the day for a few months.  But now it seems that she has a new song out every 3 or 4 days and for some reason it just really bugs me.  Maybe it's because I'm 36 years old and I have no business singing WE EEEEE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER at the top of my lungs like a love sick angry 16 year old.  Or maybe it's because she's ridiculously cute and thin and blond and can buy 1000 pairs of jeans from the Buckle and not have to wonder if she has enough money to cover it. Or maybe it's because I know that Patrick used to have a crush on her. Even though he swears he didn't, he totally did. Or maybe it's because she writes all her own songs and is super talented and I'm not.  I don't know, but she bugs me.

So put all that disdain and roll it up with her singing a song with Gary Lightbody, who I totally loved before she was probably even born and I'm pretty sure he sang The Finish Line only to me when I saw him in Houston, and well...I just love it.  I can't help it.  Layne and I have an agreement that we would never tell anyone else that we like it, but I couldn't help myself.  I reeeeeally like it.  A lot of times.  So sorry Layne, but now everyone knows that you like Taylor Swift.  The end.

The Heart Of A Girl

It's official.

I have two female teenagers living in my home.
My life will never be the same.
And I'm so very grateful.

Today is my sweet Elizabeth's thirteenth birthday. She is a magnificent girl with more talents than should be appropriate. She has a keen fashion sense and fabulous taste in music. She is always ready and willing to help me. She has big dreams and an even bigger heart. She plans for her future while not losing sight of today.

  I have four really great kids. It's kind of a miracle because we didn't know if I'd have any. It was a tremendous work for me to get my children here. I made sacrifices that are known only to my husband and I. Liz almost didn't make it. There are no words to express my gratitude for the fact that she did. She brings joy into our home. Also- she bakes. She's freaking good at it,too. Certain days, there is simply no joy greater than a freshly baked cookie. That's the truth. I really have no other words than this- my heart is full and my love will never wane. Here's her current favorite song...






I'll catch you darlin' I'll be waiting, I am on your side. Always.

One Voice In a Million...

I've had this post brewing in my head for a couple of days now.  For some reason, it always sounds much more eloquent in my head than it does when I start writing it down.  Not sure why it works that way.  Anyway...I have these times when I get reflective on things that have happened to me in my life or people that have come and gone and how they have helped to mold me into the person that I am today.  I like memories.  They are like little stories that make us smile or cry or get angry, but they help us to grow when we look back and think "yeah...that was nice.  I wouldn't mind experiencing something like that again."  Or..."no way in hell would I ever want to feel like that."  What struck up this chain of thought for me was a song that I heard while shuffling through my Ipod in my car.  I'm weird like that.  I put music to moments.  If I were a movie, I would have a fantastic soundtrack.  Guarantee it.

This particular memory was not a happy one.  While I was going through it anyway.   Now that I'm not experiencing it anymore I can look back and see the good that came out of it.  Here's the song...



I actually listened to this song on repeat for 3 days in a row while in an emotional coma, so to speak.  I didn't  get out of bed.  I didn't sleep.  I didn't eat.  I did cry.  A lot.  I did question myself.  My ability to love.  Whether I was capable of giving it and whether I was worthy of receiving it.   When I finally came out of it, I turned off this song and didn't listen to it for about a year and a half. I couldn't.  And you know I love Snow Patrol, but there was too much pain attached to this song.  I couldn't understand how I could give everything that I was to a person and not have it be enough.  It had to be some flaw within myself.  It took me about that whole year and a half to realize that I was wrong.  That I wasn't the one flawed.  Now, I can listen to this song again.  I love it.  Why?  Because even though I went through an immense amount of pain and heartache.  I had learned how to love again.  And I was good at it.  Really good.  And that's why it hurt when it was over.  Being able to love someone and trust someone 100% is a learned behavior.  It isn't innate.  We are a skeptical people.  We have been taught that people are only going to screw us over.  So to be able to overcome that and turn yourself over to someone else is HUGE.  And I had done it.  And I think I continue to do it.  It's not without hurt, that's for sure.  But with being able to love comes the ability to forgive and start over and over again without holding a grudge.

My second memory, that was spawned from this first one, is more about people then feelings.  I've had some amazing people that have come into my life and then left again for one reason or another.  They brought both immense amounts of joy and laughter and many hardships with them.  Some I was happy to see go.  Others still bug me that they ended the way they did. And that doesn't mean I want to go back and change things because I am sure that this is how it was meant to be,  but for one reason or another we shared moments of our lives with each other and whether we want to or not those memories and lessons are there.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if our paths had never crossed.  But I know that I would not be where I am in my life now if they hadn't.  I wouldn't have had the courage to move on with my life if I hadn't had the experiences with these people that I did.

An old friend of mine used to joke about "the Train years".  They weren't the greatest years either, but again the things I took from these friendships have molded me into the person I am today.  I'm a bit of a sucker.  I know.  I'm a rescuer.  I can't help it.  I'm a crazy magnet.  Birds of a feather.  I don't care how unstable people turn out.  I don't care that I've given my heart away and had it handed back without a second thought.  It's who I am.  I believe that most people are innately good.  I believe that most people want to be honest.  I believe that most people don't want to hurt other people.  Sometimes life, fear, obligation just gets in the way of us being able to do those things.  It doesn't make us bad.  It makes us human.



This brings me to what the outcome of these memories have molded me into. I went through a lot of years not knowing who I really was. Sounds weird coming from a 36 year old, but there it is.  I struggled through, made a lot of mistakes, and did a lot of things that weren't mistakes that others tried to make me believe were.  And I believed it.  I thought I was what they all said I was.  Worthless.  Unlovable.  A sinner.  Unredeemable.  Whatever that really means.  But they were wrong.  Underneath it all I was always the same. Not one thing in my make up has changed.  If anything, I'm a lot stronger and a lot smarter.  Some people just can't deal when things aren't picture perfect.  They have to demonize it in some way.  Sad really.  Makes me wonder how many people have lost themselves because there was no one there when they struggled and they weren't strong enough to pull through alone.  Because of that I have a theme song.  I used to try to change it every year, but since I found this one it has stayed the same.  And still to this day when I'm having one of those days where I'm feeling a wee bit worthless I listen to this.  I may only be a voice in a million, but it's mine.  And no one can ever take it.  Ever.

Random Crap for Monday

Occasionally I say things and then think, "Wow!!  I can't believe that just came out of my mouth."  Unfortunately, it happens more often than I care to admit, but that's me.  I say random crap.   For example,  The other day I had Pats head in my lap while I did his normal grooming and said..."I love blackheads.  They're my favorite."  Yep.  I did.  And sadly, it's true. I really do love black heads.  It's a strange feeling of accomplishment that comes from popping out a giganticus black head and leaving a gaping empty pore.  I like it.  A lot.

Today, I have spent the ENTIRE day, no lie, sitting in front of my computer.  Swearing, crying, yelling at kids and dogs.  Why?  Because Google used to be awesome.  Now, it blows.  Hard core, big disgusting chunks.  It used to be so user friendly.  Now, in an attempt to keep up with facebook it has become stupid.  All I want to friggin' do is change my log in email.  That is all.  It shouldn't be this hard.  I shouldn't have to send a request to the other account, log out, log in with the other account, accept the request, log out, log in with the old acct, grant admin rights, then delete the old acct.  That's just to add an email.  THEN on top of that if you are adding a new acct you apparently are no longer given an option to have a blogger profile.  You have to use a google plus profile using your real name, putting you out to be searched and hacked and stalked on the internet.  I don't want to blog under my real name.  I like Stacia.  All I want to do is blog under Stacia with a recent email address not one that I haven't used since 2007.  So why can't Google accomodate me?  Because they're jerks that's why.  Anyway...after texting Layne, since she is a long time blogger, and helping her discover that she had a brain fart and wasn't really who she thinks she is, my only comment was..."Great.  We fixed you.  Now work on my problem so I can brush my friggin' teeth."

It is 4:09 in the afternoon.  I haven't brushed my teeth or hair yet all because I am obsessive and can't accept that a company as huge as Google can't figure out how to make their products more user friendly.  So, that is my random crap for Monday.  And if anybody knows of a better platform for blogs then Blogger, let me know.  Thank you and have a nice day.

The Luckiest

I know two posts in two days is unheard of by me, but every now and again I just have stuff to say.  And this is pretty important stuff.  Almost every night when we go to bed Patrick hugs me and says "you mean the world to me".  I always just smile and hug him back because I don't have anything to say that can even come close to that without sounding completely stupid.  I know I have stuff inside me that is on that same level, but there just aren't words, or I'm not smart enough to know them, that can actually say how I feel.

So, I decided to say it with song. Because I'm better at that anyway.




I know it's not a competition, but I totally win.  And I'm absolutely the luckiest.

I love you, babe.

"...Send Me Away With The Words Of A Love Song...'

The first couple of times I heard this song I thought it was a pretty morbid thing to sing about.  Now that I've heard it several times, I can't help but love it.  It makes me wonder how I would be remembered.  What have I done in my life that would be worth celebrating?  Unfortunately, I don't come up with very much.  I have four beautiful kids that I'm pretty proud of, but if I'm honest I'm only mediocre at being a mom.  I'm a pretty good friend, but even that only extends to a handful of people.  While I was thinking about my friends the other day I wondered if any of them could even tell me what my favorite song is.  I don't think any of them could.  It's probably because I don't talk much.  I don't open up to people.  I don't trust.  I just don't.  It keeps me safe.

So,  in an effort of future preservation I wanted to take a few minutes to tell you about me.  My favorite color is pink.  Not for any particular reason.  It doesn't make me think of cotton candy or the womb or anything.  Maybe it's because I'm not an overly feminine person.  I wouldn't even classify myself as pretty.  I'm just an average girl with dyed hair and stretch marks from giving birth to four children.  And for some reason, pink makes me feel pretty.  Probably stupid but it does.

My favorite quote is by Audrey Hepburn..."For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."  I try to do these things as much as possible.  The last is the hardest by far.  Although, I struggle with speaking ONLY words of kindness too.  I say a lot of terrible things.  About myself and about others.  

I believe in God.  I may not consider myself a religious person, but I like to think that there is someone out there looking out for me.  And, I like having something to have faith in.  It makes it easier to have faith in a lot of other things as well.   Like love.  I have faith that it can overcome most anything if people are willing to try and not give up.  I also have faith that no one will actually read this blog post either.

I love my kids.  I love Maddis giggle and how her smile touches her eyes.  I love how Biz is so concerned about my feelings and how she always wants to cuddle me.  I love the pictures and notes Lilly draws for me. She is so thoughtful and kind.  And I love how Nathan tries so hard to protect me.  I love them all.

I love my husband.  I love how blue his eyes get when he's in the sun.  And I love the way he snuggles into my chest at night.  And I love the way his hair smells.  I love the way he holds me so tight that sometimes it's hard to breath.

And last but not least....My favorite song is A Dustland Fairytale by The Killers.  Those who know the song and it's background and meaning understand why.  Those that don't...well...it's just a really great love song.

I Never Said It Would Be Easy....

I'm not very good with face to face communication.  It's a horrible thing to be afraid of, but I am.    When my feelings get hurt or I get irritated, I'll smile and then send you a text when you're well out of my face.  I don't like confrontation but in the same turn there are some things that just need to be said.  I know I'm not the only person that struggles with this.  It's hard to tell someone that they've hurt you or that their personality is annoying as hell.  Unfortunately, I also struggle with the flip side.  I have a hard time telling people how much I love and appreciate them as well.  Which, I think, is a bit weird.  It seems like that should be something I would enjoy.  Making people feel good.  But for some reason I get embarrassed and flustered and just make a mess of it.  And this is why I write.  I'm much better at it.  I like being able to think about what I'm going to say and be able to delete it when it doesn't come out right.  Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to carry the same weight as looking someone in the eye and telling them you love them but it's the best I can do.

With that said, my brand spankin' new awesome husband has been feeling a bit unappreciated the last few weeks.  We've just moved into a new home and are trying to not only settle into the house, but adjust the four kids to their new home and life.  There's a lot of carpooling, activities, late nights and cold dinners being had by us with everything going on.  Sometimes I forget that I have 14 years of experience in a marriage and 13 years as a parent that he doesn't have and I get frustrated that he doesn't do things the way I think he should.  I take his being overwhelmed by everything as a reflection of what I'm doing and start thinking that I'm a bad wife and that all the stuff I do isn't enough.  It's a horrible cycle that came to a crashing halt with me screaming and crying and slamming doors and acting like a giant baby last night. He didn't handle it very well at first because all of us women know that we want to be coddled and chased and told that they can't live without us.  What we don't realize is that men don't know that.  Men know that they are supposed to be stubborn and tough and "not stand for such nonsense".  Ultimately, it ended with me crying in his lap and us sharing how we've felt over the last few weeks like real grown ups.  Imagine that.

Anywho...the point is that for someone who has come in and taken on a wife, 4 kids, 2 dogs and a brand new house; he's doing a damn good job.  A lot better than most with half as much on their plates. He's great with the kids.  I think they may actually like him more than me. He works his ass off so that I don't have to, and then he doesn't tell me about things that he thinks are going to stress me out and doesn't sleep for a week because he's so stressed which actually stresses me out more because I'm very aware that he's stressed out about something, not sleeping and not telling me about it.  I like to throw in the occasional run on sentence just for fun. :)  He unloads the dishwasher, helps with carpool and homework and occasionally makes dinner. And I still get all tingly when he kisses me. I was happy to find out that doesn't go away when you get married.

Marriage is hard.  No matter how much in love the two people are.  Life gets in the way and it's important to remember to make time for each other and keep fostering the things that brought you together in the first place.  So that means, from time to time, you'll see blog posts like this.  And Patrick will get cards on his pillow.  Cause that's how I roll.

I love you, babe.  I'm glad you're mine and I'm gonna hold onto you forever.  You make me better and I know that we can do anything as long as we're together.  You'll always have my heart.
Even if I act like a giant baby and storm out of the house.



....I only said it would be worth it.