I've had this post brewing in my head for a couple of days now. For some reason, it always sounds much more eloquent in my head than it does when I start writing it down. Not sure why it works that way. Anyway...I have these times when I get reflective on things that have happened to me in my life or people that have come and gone and how they have helped to mold me into the person that I am today. I like memories. They are like little stories that make us smile or cry or get angry, but they help us to grow when we look back and think "yeah...that was nice. I wouldn't mind experiencing something like that again." Or..."no way in hell would I ever want to feel like that." What struck up this chain of thought for me was a song that I heard while shuffling through my Ipod in my car. I'm weird like that. I put music to moments. If I were a movie, I would have a fantastic soundtrack. Guarantee it.
This particular memory was not a happy one. While I was going through it anyway. Now that I'm not experiencing it anymore I can look back and see the good that came out of it. Here's the song...
I actually listened to this song on repeat for 3 days in a row while in an emotional coma, so to speak. I didn't get out of bed. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I did cry. A lot. I did question myself. My ability to love. Whether I was capable of giving it and whether I was worthy of receiving it. When I finally came out of it, I turned off this song and didn't listen to it for about a year and a half. I couldn't. And you know I love Snow Patrol, but there was too much pain attached to this song. I couldn't understand how I could give everything that I was to a person and not have it be enough. It had to be some flaw within myself. It took me about that whole year and a half to realize that I was wrong. That I wasn't the one flawed. Now, I can listen to this song again. I love it. Why? Because even though I went through an immense amount of pain and heartache. I had learned how to love again. And I was good at it. Really good. And that's why it hurt when it was over. Being able to love someone and trust someone 100% is a learned behavior. It isn't innate. We are a skeptical people. We have been taught that people are only going to screw us over. So to be able to overcome that and turn yourself over to someone else is HUGE. And I had done it. And I think I continue to do it. It's not without hurt, that's for sure. But with being able to love comes the ability to forgive and start over and over again without holding a grudge.
My second memory, that was spawned from this first one, is more about people then feelings. I've had some amazing people that have come into my life and then left again for one reason or another. They brought both immense amounts of joy and laughter and many hardships with them. Some I was happy to see go. Others still bug me that they ended the way they did. And that doesn't mean I want to go back and change things because I am sure that this is how it was meant to be, but for one reason or another we shared moments of our lives with each other and whether we want to or not those memories and lessons are there. Sometimes I think it would be easier if our paths had never crossed. But I know that I would not be where I am in my life now if they hadn't. I wouldn't have had the courage to move on with my life if I hadn't had the experiences with these people that I did.
An old friend of mine used to joke about "the Train years". They weren't the greatest years either, but again the things I took from these friendships have molded me into the person I am today. I'm a bit of a sucker. I know. I'm a rescuer. I can't help it. I'm a crazy magnet. Birds of a feather. I don't care how unstable people turn out. I don't care that I've given my heart away and had it handed back without a second thought. It's who I am. I believe that most people are innately good. I believe that most people want to be honest. I believe that most people don't want to hurt other people. Sometimes life, fear, obligation just gets in the way of us being able to do those things. It doesn't make us bad. It makes us human.
This brings me to what the outcome of these memories have molded me into. I went through a lot of years not knowing who I really was. Sounds weird coming from a 36 year old, but there it is. I struggled through, made a lot of mistakes, and did a lot of things that weren't mistakes that others tried to make me believe were. And I believed it. I thought I was what they all said I was. Worthless. Unlovable. A sinner. Unredeemable. Whatever that really means. But they were wrong. Underneath it all I was always the same. Not one thing in my make up has changed. If anything, I'm a lot stronger and a lot smarter. Some people just can't deal when things aren't picture perfect. They have to demonize it in some way. Sad really. Makes me wonder how many people have lost themselves because there was no one there when they struggled and they weren't strong enough to pull through alone. Because of that I have a theme song. I used to try to change it every year, but since I found this one it has stayed the same. And still to this day when I'm having one of those days where I'm feeling a wee bit worthless I listen to this. I may only be a voice in a million, but it's mine. And no one can ever take it. Ever.
2 comments:
lovely
Thanks dear.
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