Let The Monsters See You Smile...

I don't really have a lot to say.  I just wanted to share a song and a thought.

I know it's simple and a cartoon, but after the Grinch stole everything from the Whos he stood up on his mountain excited to hear them weeping and wailing.  He wanted his crime to be validated by sadness and despair.  But what happened instead?  The Whos came out of their homes, they all took each others hands and they started to sing.  Their song was one of peace and love.  The Grinch lost.  He got no publicity.  He got no validation for his crime.  He was alone.

I think, that maybe, we should follow the example of the Whos.




"Let the monsters see you smile.  Let them see you smiling.  ...Life is beautiful.  Our hearts, they beat and break..."

Happy Birthday Layney!!!

Once upon a time, that makes it a long time ago,  we were all blessed, and should give honor and thanks, because of the birth of a baby.  That baby grew up and become the wonderful person that is Layney.  She was a bit of a rebellious teenager.  But she's totally paying for that now with two teenage girls of her own.  Hahahahahahahahahahah.... Oh, and she has to go to girls camp.  And anyone who knows Layne knows that Layne doesn't do "roughing it".  But I digress...she loved boys, clothes, make up.  All the girl things.  But most of all, she loved music.  It was that love of music that brought us together.

Oddly, Layne and I met at girls camp.  We were sitting around a picnic table with a bunch of other girls talking about the latest pop stars and their cheesy new songs and Layne says..."My favorite song is Reel Around the Fountain."  Everyone looked at her like she was stupid because they obviously had no idea what she was talking about, except pour moi.  And I responded with "My favorite song is There is a Light that Never Goes Out." Then someone got stung by a bee on the lip, but we've been friends ever since.

Now,  we've been known to have entire conversations using nothing but lyrics from Killers songs.  I'm not sure if I should be proud or super embarrassed by that, but I'll tell you it can be done.   I consider myself lucky to have her as one of closest, dearest and OLDEST friends.  She has brought an immense amount of fun and laughter into my life.  She sat by my side through some of the hardest things I've ever had to do and didn't flinch while I was falling apart.  We've had our moments of displeasure with each other, like all friends do, but in the end none of that matters because the good that we have brought to each other far outweighs any of the bad.

I love you, my sweet and favalous friend.  I hope you have a most excellent day, dude.

My Super Awesome Annual Christmas Post

Yes, it's here.  The post you've all been waiting for.   The annual Christmas countdown post.  I'm a bit disheartened because one of the songs I was super excited about I can't find a good video for, but we'll make do.  

I love Christmas.  Everyone knows it.  I'm not ashamed.  I start listening to Christmas music (in secret) usually before Halloween.  I start listening to it publicly on November 1.  One thing I've noticed, that is a little annoying about the music industry, is that when I go back to listening to normal music, after all that time, the radio stations are still playing the same songs they were before I stopped.  I don't get that.  I'm sure Taylor Swift probably made 5 albums in those two months.  Anyway...I just needed to put that out there.

Now,  I've been thinking a lot the last few weeks about what Christmas is to me.  We spend so much time being stressed out about what to buy people and if they will like it or if it will fit and how we're going to pay off the credit card bill after.  I wish I could say I didn't do that, but I have 4 kids so of course I do.  I think the thing that may be a little bit different about me, and I'm sure lots of other people,  is that I actually enjoy going out and buying things.  I wish I had the means to do more.  I wish I could buy a gift for everyone that I love.  Sadly, that's not the case.  When I walk through stores I don't get irritated.  I don't get mad at people or long lines.  Instead I try to make it fun.  I'm so grateful that I can actually be there when there are so many who can't. It really is a blessing to be able to go out and get things for your family.  I was explaining to Patrick how a family had set up a perimeter around the toy section with their carts.  He thinks I'm silly, but it's true, that's what you do.  I like to laugh at the dads who are stuck "guarding" the carts and purses while the moms decide if their daughters want the barbie with purple hair or glittery pink toe nails.  That one decision can make or break Christmas morning so you don't take it lightly.

When you have kids these things are important.  I know we all try to teach our kids to not be materialistic.  We try to teach them that this isn't what Christmas is about.  We try to teach them to be grateful and giving.  And I'm sure that they lessons sink in a little bit at a time, but let's be honest, when you're 7 years old Christmas is about waking up to magical world of candy and toys. I think we need to take those individual opportunities to teach our children the meaning of Christmas, but also not get upset that they are eyeballing that giant present like a lion about to pounce.  I think we need to enjoy watching how excited they get when Santa was able to "make" Frankie Stein even though she was sold out in every freaking store across America.  I think we need to turn a blind eye when they eat their weight in Hersheys Kisses and Candy Canes before 9 am.  You know, since they've been up for 6 hours already anyway.

I have this book of stories that we read to the kids each night from December 1 until Christmas Eve.  They all try to teach what Christmas is about.  Giving instead of receiving.  Serving others.  Being grateful.  Remembering the reason why we celebrate this holiday in general.  My kids all sit quietly and listen to me read.  Sometimes it takes 5 minutes.  Sometimes it takes 30.  But they sit and listen, and I know that even though the first thing that they say when I put the book away is "I hope I get a thousand presents."  that they heard what I said.  And in time, they will understand and how many gifts they get will become less and less important.  But for now, they are kids.

Okay...that's my Christmas lesson for the year.  Now here are my songs.  I'm gonna start with this one.  I like Ryan Shupe and The Rubber Band.  They have an awesome banjo player and the banjo makes me happy.  And in this case, Mr.  Ryan Shupe would be playing the "fiddle", not the violin.  Just sayin'  That's how it works.  Also,  they threw in a line from Gilligans Island and it makes me laugh.  Just like the Barenaked Ladies singing "Jingle Bells batman smells" makes me laugh.  Classic.

There are a few bands that make me think of my Bumpa.  Alabama is one of them.  So, I will always love them no matter what.  Alabamas Christmas was a staple in our house.  We'd listen to it while decorating.  I never get sick of it.  I have listened to this album on repeat for days while baking or decorating or wrapping gifts.  I always think about fun things from growing up. Baking and making crafts with my mom.  Fighting over which one of us kids is going to inherit the Super Bear ornament.  It totally better be me or I'm gonna be super mad.  My mom yelling at us kids for eating all the gingerbread men on the tree when it was actually the dog.  Being so excited when we'd get a dusting of snow in Virginia so they would cancel school.  I would just like to repeat what I've said in years past.  Country music is acceptable at Christmas.  Don't judge me.

This next song is probably my favorite one for the year.  I always have one that sticks with me every year.  I love the message of this song.  Especially since I met Patrick.  He used to say that he hated Christmas.  When I asked him why he would say that it annoyed him that people needed to have a holiday to be decent.  And although I agree with him,  I figured you should take what you can get from people.  That doesn't have to be how we live.  And I think, for me personally,  I get more from being good to others than having them be good to me.  I know there's a Julie Andrews version, but I like this one better.  They sing pretty.

I don't need a reason to love this one.  It's just fabulouso.  But I did notice that The Cheetah Girls did a remake of it if anyone is interested.  

I like marshmallows.  Happy Christmas

For My Husband

Sometimes things are better kept private between two people.  This is not one of those times.  This is one of those times where I need to scream how I feel in a public forum.  So here it goes...


Patrick,


I love you because you go to work every morning even though you say you hate your job.  I know I pick on you because you're at a desk and tell you that you don't do anything.  BUT...I know EXACTLY what you do for our family.  Well, not exactly because your job confuses me, but I know that you work hard for us.  And I love you for that.

I love you because you unload the dishwasher, and clean up dog poop and clean the toilets.  When in reality you could say...I go to work all week this is your job.  But you don't.  You do it because you love me and want to help me.

I love you because you add logic to my erratic emotion.  Sometimes I don't like it, but I understand why you do it.  So I don't act like a retard more often than I need to.

I love you because you lay on the floor and play with the dogs even though they smell and eat poop.

I love you because you roll over every morning after the alarm goes off and pull me into your chest. Even if it's just for a few minutes. That's probably my favorite spot in the whole world.
Everything is good there.

I love you because you pick up Nathan and drive to orchestra so that I don't have to.

I love you because you see people for who they really are well before I do.

I love you because you see who I really am and still love me in spite of it.

I love you because you accept my faults.  And instead of hiding and pretending they aren't there you tell me what they are and are willing to wait while I work on them.

I love you because you always ask if I want ice cream.  Even though you know I have no business eating it right now.

I love you because you reach across the couch and take my hand even when I'm trying to be all distant for no particular reason. That falls squarely in the "fault" category.  But it's mainly because I want you to reach across the couch and take my hand.

I love you because you make me laugh even when I don't want to.  And sometimes when it's entirely inappropriate.

I love you because you're so damn cute.  I know it annoys you when I stare at you, but I can't help it.  I like your face.  A lot.

I love you because you're so much smarter than me.  Actually, I hate that.  But I accept it as part of who you are.

I love you because you love our family.  Except the cats.  I love watching the girls, and Nathan,  crawl into your lap and snuggle with you.  I love opening their planners and seeing homework signed off by you.  I love when you have to come out of the bedroom 20 different times to find out whose underwear you're folding.

I love that you can lift heavy things, take off lids, and reach stuff that I can't.

I love you because you're so sweet and wonderful under all that hard exterior.

I just love you.

That's all.



Your Wife.

UGH!!!!!!!!!

You know how there are those certain artists that get so overplayed that you just hate them no matter what? Well, Taylor Swift is that artist for me. I actually liked her back in the day for a few months.  But now it seems that she has a new song out every 3 or 4 days and for some reason it just really bugs me.  Maybe it's because I'm 36 years old and I have no business singing WE EEEEE ARE NEVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER at the top of my lungs like a love sick angry 16 year old.  Or maybe it's because she's ridiculously cute and thin and blond and can buy 1000 pairs of jeans from the Buckle and not have to wonder if she has enough money to cover it. Or maybe it's because I know that Patrick used to have a crush on her. Even though he swears he didn't, he totally did. Or maybe it's because she writes all her own songs and is super talented and I'm not.  I don't know, but she bugs me.

So put all that disdain and roll it up with her singing a song with Gary Lightbody, who I totally loved before she was probably even born and I'm pretty sure he sang The Finish Line only to me when I saw him in Houston, and well...I just love it.  I can't help it.  Layne and I have an agreement that we would never tell anyone else that we like it, but I couldn't help myself.  I reeeeeally like it.  A lot of times.  So sorry Layne, but now everyone knows that you like Taylor Swift.  The end.

The Heart Of A Girl

It's official.

I have two female teenagers living in my home.
My life will never be the same.
And I'm so very grateful.

Today is my sweet Elizabeth's thirteenth birthday. She is a magnificent girl with more talents than should be appropriate. She has a keen fashion sense and fabulous taste in music. She is always ready and willing to help me. She has big dreams and an even bigger heart. She plans for her future while not losing sight of today.

  I have four really great kids. It's kind of a miracle because we didn't know if I'd have any. It was a tremendous work for me to get my children here. I made sacrifices that are known only to my husband and I. Liz almost didn't make it. There are no words to express my gratitude for the fact that she did. She brings joy into our home. Also- she bakes. She's freaking good at it,too. Certain days, there is simply no joy greater than a freshly baked cookie. That's the truth. I really have no other words than this- my heart is full and my love will never wane. Here's her current favorite song...






I'll catch you darlin' I'll be waiting, I am on your side. Always.

One Voice In a Million...

I've had this post brewing in my head for a couple of days now.  For some reason, it always sounds much more eloquent in my head than it does when I start writing it down.  Not sure why it works that way.  Anyway...I have these times when I get reflective on things that have happened to me in my life or people that have come and gone and how they have helped to mold me into the person that I am today.  I like memories.  They are like little stories that make us smile or cry or get angry, but they help us to grow when we look back and think "yeah...that was nice.  I wouldn't mind experiencing something like that again."  Or..."no way in hell would I ever want to feel like that."  What struck up this chain of thought for me was a song that I heard while shuffling through my Ipod in my car.  I'm weird like that.  I put music to moments.  If I were a movie, I would have a fantastic soundtrack.  Guarantee it.

This particular memory was not a happy one.  While I was going through it anyway.   Now that I'm not experiencing it anymore I can look back and see the good that came out of it.  Here's the song...



I actually listened to this song on repeat for 3 days in a row while in an emotional coma, so to speak.  I didn't  get out of bed.  I didn't sleep.  I didn't eat.  I did cry.  A lot.  I did question myself.  My ability to love.  Whether I was capable of giving it and whether I was worthy of receiving it.   When I finally came out of it, I turned off this song and didn't listen to it for about a year and a half. I couldn't.  And you know I love Snow Patrol, but there was too much pain attached to this song.  I couldn't understand how I could give everything that I was to a person and not have it be enough.  It had to be some flaw within myself.  It took me about that whole year and a half to realize that I was wrong.  That I wasn't the one flawed.  Now, I can listen to this song again.  I love it.  Why?  Because even though I went through an immense amount of pain and heartache.  I had learned how to love again.  And I was good at it.  Really good.  And that's why it hurt when it was over.  Being able to love someone and trust someone 100% is a learned behavior.  It isn't innate.  We are a skeptical people.  We have been taught that people are only going to screw us over.  So to be able to overcome that and turn yourself over to someone else is HUGE.  And I had done it.  And I think I continue to do it.  It's not without hurt, that's for sure.  But with being able to love comes the ability to forgive and start over and over again without holding a grudge.

My second memory, that was spawned from this first one, is more about people then feelings.  I've had some amazing people that have come into my life and then left again for one reason or another.  They brought both immense amounts of joy and laughter and many hardships with them.  Some I was happy to see go.  Others still bug me that they ended the way they did. And that doesn't mean I want to go back and change things because I am sure that this is how it was meant to be,  but for one reason or another we shared moments of our lives with each other and whether we want to or not those memories and lessons are there.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if our paths had never crossed.  But I know that I would not be where I am in my life now if they hadn't.  I wouldn't have had the courage to move on with my life if I hadn't had the experiences with these people that I did.

An old friend of mine used to joke about "the Train years".  They weren't the greatest years either, but again the things I took from these friendships have molded me into the person I am today.  I'm a bit of a sucker.  I know.  I'm a rescuer.  I can't help it.  I'm a crazy magnet.  Birds of a feather.  I don't care how unstable people turn out.  I don't care that I've given my heart away and had it handed back without a second thought.  It's who I am.  I believe that most people are innately good.  I believe that most people want to be honest.  I believe that most people don't want to hurt other people.  Sometimes life, fear, obligation just gets in the way of us being able to do those things.  It doesn't make us bad.  It makes us human.



This brings me to what the outcome of these memories have molded me into. I went through a lot of years not knowing who I really was. Sounds weird coming from a 36 year old, but there it is.  I struggled through, made a lot of mistakes, and did a lot of things that weren't mistakes that others tried to make me believe were.  And I believed it.  I thought I was what they all said I was.  Worthless.  Unlovable.  A sinner.  Unredeemable.  Whatever that really means.  But they were wrong.  Underneath it all I was always the same. Not one thing in my make up has changed.  If anything, I'm a lot stronger and a lot smarter.  Some people just can't deal when things aren't picture perfect.  They have to demonize it in some way.  Sad really.  Makes me wonder how many people have lost themselves because there was no one there when they struggled and they weren't strong enough to pull through alone.  Because of that I have a theme song.  I used to try to change it every year, but since I found this one it has stayed the same.  And still to this day when I'm having one of those days where I'm feeling a wee bit worthless I listen to this.  I may only be a voice in a million, but it's mine.  And no one can ever take it.  Ever.

Random Crap for Monday

Occasionally I say things and then think, "Wow!!  I can't believe that just came out of my mouth."  Unfortunately, it happens more often than I care to admit, but that's me.  I say random crap.   For example,  The other day I had Pats head in my lap while I did his normal grooming and said..."I love blackheads.  They're my favorite."  Yep.  I did.  And sadly, it's true. I really do love black heads.  It's a strange feeling of accomplishment that comes from popping out a giganticus black head and leaving a gaping empty pore.  I like it.  A lot.

Today, I have spent the ENTIRE day, no lie, sitting in front of my computer.  Swearing, crying, yelling at kids and dogs.  Why?  Because Google used to be awesome.  Now, it blows.  Hard core, big disgusting chunks.  It used to be so user friendly.  Now, in an attempt to keep up with facebook it has become stupid.  All I want to friggin' do is change my log in email.  That is all.  It shouldn't be this hard.  I shouldn't have to send a request to the other account, log out, log in with the other account, accept the request, log out, log in with the old acct, grant admin rights, then delete the old acct.  That's just to add an email.  THEN on top of that if you are adding a new acct you apparently are no longer given an option to have a blogger profile.  You have to use a google plus profile using your real name, putting you out to be searched and hacked and stalked on the internet.  I don't want to blog under my real name.  I like Stacia.  All I want to do is blog under Stacia with a recent email address not one that I haven't used since 2007.  So why can't Google accomodate me?  Because they're jerks that's why.  Anyway...after texting Layne, since she is a long time blogger, and helping her discover that she had a brain fart and wasn't really who she thinks she is, my only comment was..."Great.  We fixed you.  Now work on my problem so I can brush my friggin' teeth."

It is 4:09 in the afternoon.  I haven't brushed my teeth or hair yet all because I am obsessive and can't accept that a company as huge as Google can't figure out how to make their products more user friendly.  So, that is my random crap for Monday.  And if anybody knows of a better platform for blogs then Blogger, let me know.  Thank you and have a nice day.

The Luckiest

I know two posts in two days is unheard of by me, but every now and again I just have stuff to say.  And this is pretty important stuff.  Almost every night when we go to bed Patrick hugs me and says "you mean the world to me".  I always just smile and hug him back because I don't have anything to say that can even come close to that without sounding completely stupid.  I know I have stuff inside me that is on that same level, but there just aren't words, or I'm not smart enough to know them, that can actually say how I feel.

So, I decided to say it with song. Because I'm better at that anyway.




I know it's not a competition, but I totally win.  And I'm absolutely the luckiest.

I love you, babe.

"...Send Me Away With The Words Of A Love Song...'

The first couple of times I heard this song I thought it was a pretty morbid thing to sing about.  Now that I've heard it several times, I can't help but love it.  It makes me wonder how I would be remembered.  What have I done in my life that would be worth celebrating?  Unfortunately, I don't come up with very much.  I have four beautiful kids that I'm pretty proud of, but if I'm honest I'm only mediocre at being a mom.  I'm a pretty good friend, but even that only extends to a handful of people.  While I was thinking about my friends the other day I wondered if any of them could even tell me what my favorite song is.  I don't think any of them could.  It's probably because I don't talk much.  I don't open up to people.  I don't trust.  I just don't.  It keeps me safe.

So,  in an effort of future preservation I wanted to take a few minutes to tell you about me.  My favorite color is pink.  Not for any particular reason.  It doesn't make me think of cotton candy or the womb or anything.  Maybe it's because I'm not an overly feminine person.  I wouldn't even classify myself as pretty.  I'm just an average girl with dyed hair and stretch marks from giving birth to four children.  And for some reason, pink makes me feel pretty.  Probably stupid but it does.

My favorite quote is by Audrey Hepburn..."For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."  I try to do these things as much as possible.  The last is the hardest by far.  Although, I struggle with speaking ONLY words of kindness too.  I say a lot of terrible things.  About myself and about others.  

I believe in God.  I may not consider myself a religious person, but I like to think that there is someone out there looking out for me.  And, I like having something to have faith in.  It makes it easier to have faith in a lot of other things as well.   Like love.  I have faith that it can overcome most anything if people are willing to try and not give up.  I also have faith that no one will actually read this blog post either.

I love my kids.  I love Maddis giggle and how her smile touches her eyes.  I love how Biz is so concerned about my feelings and how she always wants to cuddle me.  I love the pictures and notes Lilly draws for me. She is so thoughtful and kind.  And I love how Nathan tries so hard to protect me.  I love them all.

I love my husband.  I love how blue his eyes get when he's in the sun.  And I love the way he snuggles into my chest at night.  And I love the way his hair smells.  I love the way he holds me so tight that sometimes it's hard to breath.

And last but not least....My favorite song is A Dustland Fairytale by The Killers.  Those who know the song and it's background and meaning understand why.  Those that don't...well...it's just a really great love song.

I Never Said It Would Be Easy....

I'm not very good with face to face communication.  It's a horrible thing to be afraid of, but I am.    When my feelings get hurt or I get irritated, I'll smile and then send you a text when you're well out of my face.  I don't like confrontation but in the same turn there are some things that just need to be said.  I know I'm not the only person that struggles with this.  It's hard to tell someone that they've hurt you or that their personality is annoying as hell.  Unfortunately, I also struggle with the flip side.  I have a hard time telling people how much I love and appreciate them as well.  Which, I think, is a bit weird.  It seems like that should be something I would enjoy.  Making people feel good.  But for some reason I get embarrassed and flustered and just make a mess of it.  And this is why I write.  I'm much better at it.  I like being able to think about what I'm going to say and be able to delete it when it doesn't come out right.  Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to carry the same weight as looking someone in the eye and telling them you love them but it's the best I can do.

With that said, my brand spankin' new awesome husband has been feeling a bit unappreciated the last few weeks.  We've just moved into a new home and are trying to not only settle into the house, but adjust the four kids to their new home and life.  There's a lot of carpooling, activities, late nights and cold dinners being had by us with everything going on.  Sometimes I forget that I have 14 years of experience in a marriage and 13 years as a parent that he doesn't have and I get frustrated that he doesn't do things the way I think he should.  I take his being overwhelmed by everything as a reflection of what I'm doing and start thinking that I'm a bad wife and that all the stuff I do isn't enough.  It's a horrible cycle that came to a crashing halt with me screaming and crying and slamming doors and acting like a giant baby last night. He didn't handle it very well at first because all of us women know that we want to be coddled and chased and told that they can't live without us.  What we don't realize is that men don't know that.  Men know that they are supposed to be stubborn and tough and "not stand for such nonsense".  Ultimately, it ended with me crying in his lap and us sharing how we've felt over the last few weeks like real grown ups.  Imagine that.

Anywho...the point is that for someone who has come in and taken on a wife, 4 kids, 2 dogs and a brand new house; he's doing a damn good job.  A lot better than most with half as much on their plates. He's great with the kids.  I think they may actually like him more than me. He works his ass off so that I don't have to, and then he doesn't tell me about things that he thinks are going to stress me out and doesn't sleep for a week because he's so stressed which actually stresses me out more because I'm very aware that he's stressed out about something, not sleeping and not telling me about it.  I like to throw in the occasional run on sentence just for fun. :)  He unloads the dishwasher, helps with carpool and homework and occasionally makes dinner. And I still get all tingly when he kisses me. I was happy to find out that doesn't go away when you get married.

Marriage is hard.  No matter how much in love the two people are.  Life gets in the way and it's important to remember to make time for each other and keep fostering the things that brought you together in the first place.  So that means, from time to time, you'll see blog posts like this.  And Patrick will get cards on his pillow.  Cause that's how I roll.

I love you, babe.  I'm glad you're mine and I'm gonna hold onto you forever.  You make me better and I know that we can do anything as long as we're together.  You'll always have my heart.
Even if I act like a giant baby and storm out of the house.



....I only said it would be worth it.

My Beautiful Boy

I haven't had the internet for a bit as we have been moving into our new house so this is the first chance I've had to blog.  While we were "disconnected"  my baby boy turned 13.  I can't believe that I have a teenager.  Not because I'm not old enough to because, let's be honest, I'm totally old enough to, but because of how fast he has grown.  It seems like just yesterday he was sitting in that cardboard box that he loved playing with his toys and watching Elmos world.

Nathan was such a beautiful baby and I'm sure most of you will agree that he's a pretty good looking kid.  He totally gets that from me.  He was always so smart.  He could write his name at 18 months old.  Pretty impressive, I know.  And he has just gotten smarter over the years.  We're to the point now where I have to regularly use Google to check his homework.  He has always been very self sufficient.  He gets up on his own, does his homework without being asked and does his chores with minimal nagging.  He is just a good kid.

I've always felt I had a special bond with him.  Maybe it's because he was my first baby.  We had lots of time together.  People used to tell me I was going to spoil him, and I did a little, because I would never put him down.  When he would sleep I would hold him.  When he was awake I would play with him and snuggle him.  He was, and still is, my world.  I watched Somewhere in Time about 30 times between the hours of midnight and 4 am when I would wake up with him at night.  Never start to finish, but I'm pretty sure I finally saw the whole movie.  We were always together.  He still climbs up into my lap and tells me he wants cuddle time before bed.  He weighs about the same as he did then so it's really not a problem.

He loves his mom.  He's very loyal and loving.  He hates it when I hurt.  Because of these things I KNOW that he is going to be a great husband some day.  He's going to find someone and give her the world.  And if she hurts my boy, I will kill her dead.  Twice.

Anyway...as we enter the teenage years I want my baby to know that I love him and that I'm always here for him.  That he can always tell me anything and he will never be judged.  I will always do my best to give him good advice and to be a good mom and friend to him.  I love you forever my handsome little man.

Happy 13th Birthday Nathan.  Love, Mom

Haters Gon' Hate

And that's ok by me.

I love who I am. I think that I have a lot to offer. If you can't hang with that, be on your merry way. Here's a song that sums up how I feel.If people knew the half of it, they'd think I was completely amazing. Also- the shoes MUST be favalous...

I don't really need to say much more. Dave and the boys  say it all for me. Every word is just perfect.

Dark Side

I've wanted to do a post for a while now, but I just haven't had the time or the inspiration.  But I'm sort of feeling it today so we'll see how it works out.  Many of you know that I have this weird obsession with Kelly Clarkson.  I don't know what it is really.  I have a great appreciation for people who can actually sing and since we first saw her doing it live, I know she can.  I think it may stem a little from the fact that I got sucked into the American Idol craze when it first started.  You see, I once thought I was a really good singer.  Sang in high school and in college and I thought I wanted to teach music when I finally grew up.  But instead, I became a mom, stopped singing, except bed time lullabies and lost it.  It's not like riding a bike.  If you don't use your voice, it goes away to a degree.  Kind of sad really.  But anyway...that's not what this post is about.

Here's the beautiful thing about life.  You get to grow.  You get to learn from mistakes, make changes and move on.  Some of us have deep rooted issues that cause us to continually make the same mistakes over and over again and take a little more time to overcome.  So here's another beautiful thing...sometimes we get lucky enough to find someone who loves us enough to help us overcome those things.  Someone who doesn't exploit your faults for their gain.  Someone who doesn't make you feel inferior to them because of your weaknesses.  Someone who loves you in spite of them.  Someone who makes you better just by being there with you.

I am one of those people.  I got stuff in my soul that would scare the boogeyman. I struggle with honesty.  More with myself than others, but them too.  I struggle with standing up for myself.  It's easier for me to just let other people win and take advantage of me than to cause a fight.  I have absolutely no confidence in anything that I am or anything that I do.  Because of this, I am easily swayed from what should be deep rooted convictions. I stay loyal to people I shouldn't for far too long hoping for changes.  Convincing myself I'm being a good friend by being taken advantage of.  It's ridiculous really the extents I will go for the wrong people.

Anyway...that's just a thin layer of my dysfunction, but luckily, I found Patrick.  When we first started dating I had concerns about our difference of opinion in just about everything.  But my sweet friend Rebecca put things in perspective for me.  She said, "We (meaning Mormons) have this image ingrained in our heads that the only good people are LDS.  He's not LDS and look at how great he is and how much better you are with him.  That's all that matters really."  And she was right.  Being in love with a person is so much more than common ground.  It's about lifting each other and encouraging them to be their best self.  Accepting differences and finding ways to make it work in spite of them. It's about those moments when you're just together and nothing else around you matters. It's about looking deep in someones soul and saying that's scary, but I'm going in anyway.

 So, with all that said,  I love you Patrick.  I'm so glad you're mine.  And I'm even more glad my crazy didn't scare you away.  :)

Ain't We All Just Runaways?

My boys are back!

I am so excited to hear this song today! I woke up early thinking I'd go back to sleep after hearing the premier on KROQ. I was wrong. I couldn't have gone back to sleep if I tried. I know I'm not the most impartial judge when it comes to The Killers, but it is my firm opinion that if this song doesn't grab you SOMEWHERE, you are heartless. This is a galloping love song that sweeps you up in romance and the story of true love as it waxes and wanes over the years. Amazing.

I'm so very proud of my boys for making such a strong comeback. Battleborn- the long awaited (and reportedly difficult) album will be released in the US on September 18, 2012. From what I've heard... It's worth the almost 4 year wait. Thanks guys, for making music we can be proud to listen to.

That is all I have to say.



.

Step Outside 'Cause Summertime's In Bloom

It's been a while since I've blogged. It's sad really, because I'm quite clever. But you'll get over it. after all, I'm here now.

I'm posting a song because it's one of my all time favorites. I have a fifteen year old daughter. She mostly thinks I'm totally lame. It doesn't really hurt my feelings because it's age appropriate behavior. She's trying to be anything but like me. She's trying to figure out who she is and what she stands for. I applaud it, really- It's a big task. As she's trying to figure out what she thinks about things, I try to find ways to connect with her. One way we have always connected is through music. She loves music and so do I.

When she was a baby, Mikey was in the Navy and he was gone quite often. On the nights that he was gone, she would not go to sleep unless I played "Somebody" by Depeche Mode. When she was a toddler, her favorite songs were "Roxanne" (she thought it was about rocks and sand- I let her believe it) and "I Love Rock and Roll" (She would sing- very loudly I might add- in her little girl voice "Put another dime in the juicebox, baby!") As she's gotten older, she still loves those songs.

Unfortunately, she's also discovered Skrillex and Tokio Hotel- but that's another entirely different post- I haven't the energy to discuss it today.

But.... I have kept her as cool as possible by adding Morrissey and The Cure, as well as other important peeps to her Ipod. She has rebelled forcefully against The Killers, but I think she'll come around. She has good taste, after all. For now- we simply agree to disagree- although I maintain that she's dead wrong.

One song we both love and sing together is "Don't Look Back In Anger" by Oasis. It's a classic. Catchy and beautiful. I pretend she doesn't know what starting a revolution from one's bed means and she allows me to do so. Ignorance is indeed bliss, you know.

I love her, she's amazing and she teaches me every day. Thanks to her, I became a mom. It's one of my most cherished titles. I have great kids. We rock out on a daily basis. I'm not a perfect mother, but I'm a damn good one, and my kids know without a doubt that I love them more than life itself- because I tell them. Daily. I don't care how old they get (I've managed to stop aging- I'm lucky like that)- we will continue to jam.

There's always a reason to dance.

Enjoy this tune. It's fabulous.



/>

The Fighter

Whenever I'm doing ab work at the gym my trainer is constantly telling me one thing, "Keep your chin up."  It's kind of amazing how much harder it is to do a stinking sit up when your chin is up and not resting on your chest.   Life is kind of like a sit up.  It's so easy to get down and hide and let people get the best of you.  It's keeping your chin up that is hard.

 I was told the other day that someone said I was too immature to handle the things in my life and I was going to fall flat on my face.  I was really offended by that.  First off because who's more mature than me?  Duh!!  No one.  Secondly, how dare anyone say I'm going to fall.  Then as I thought about it I realized that they are probably right.  I don't believe it's a matter of immaturity.  I think it's a matter of growing.   People never stop growing and learning, right?  And in this process, we fall.  Some of us a lot of times.  It's how we learn.  It's how we get better.  It's how we figure out who's there for us and who isn't.  I'm very lucky to have a hand full of loyal friends and an amazing man in my life who may sometimes have to let me fall, but they always have a hand out to help me back up.

I'm not ashamed of falling.  I'm not ashamed of the mistakes I've made.  I've learned a lot of hard lessons.  Some of them two of three times before they sunk in.  Some of them still haven't.  But I'll get there eventually.  And all I can say right now is my chin is up and I'm not on the ground. That must say something about who I am becoming.

My Weekly Rant

I'm not sure why it happens, but every now and again I feel inspired to blog. This happened this morning and as I pondered what I should blog about I thought..."What can I write that will really uplift and inspire the poor suckers that click on this link?" Luckily for you folks, I came up with nothing. So what you're gonna get is this...A few things that I personally believe stupid people should never do.

 Numero uno...Since this is the first time I've been on blogger since the new upgrade I'm going to start with...work at blogger and think that you know what people want and make retarded changes to a perfectly good program and make it crap. Don't even get me started on Google calendar and the new Igoogle format. I'm guessing they have a bunch of technologically savvy dudes working there that sat around a big table with some pie charts and possibly a power point presentation with numbers and other meaningless crap and they came up with this. What you need is an interior designer. And some women. And to buy some shoes other than converse. You look like the dudes from Weezer. I mean come on...you have millions of dollars and this is the best you can do. Wicked lame. That is all.

 Two...Since any moron can drive, I'm going to skip that one and go straight to park. Seriously, not that hard people. There are even lines there that tell you exactly where the car should go. Pretty sure they started teaching "stay inside the lines" in kindergarten. Merging, four way stops, and roundabouts...just get out of the car and wave down someone else because there isn't a chance in hell you're going to get those right. Three...grocery shopping. I know it's sounds simple enough, but apparently there is a level of intelligence needed to get this done correctly. Here are a few simple tips. First, before you argue with the check out person about price matching make sure that the store you are in actually does it. Second, they have a thing called price check. So ripping off the price tag and telling the cashier that the 10 lbs of T-bones you just bought was only $4.99 instead of $30, probably isn't going to work.

 Three...there is a turning radius on grocery carts. Try not to knock down every single friggin corner display you come to. Thanks. Forth...not a play ground. Don't send your kids over to produce so you can shop in peace. Also, you should probably pay for the pound of grapes they just ate while "playing" over there. 

Fourth...own any sort of portable device that requires attention to use. You CAN NOT do two things at once. If I'm waiting in my parking stall with my lights on please do not stop behind my car for 2 minutes to send a text message because you don't have the capability to text and walk at the same time. And as much as I like to see people fall down, don't do that behind my car either.

 Fifth...give birth. You're just perpetuating the problem for future generations. Just tie that stuff up from the get go.

 Sixth...talk. Nuff' said.

 Hmmmm...I think that covers it for now. I'm going to post a song that makes me happy. For no reason other than, I'm smart enough to know how to do it. :)

 

Happier things...

I was talking to Layney today and we decided that we both needed to start blogging more. About happy things. We are both relatively happy people, but a lot of our blog posts are an outlet for our anger and disdain instead of a place for us to share the good things in our lives. So we've decided to make an effort to change that.

Today, as I cleaned my house, I made it through because I kept thinking about one thing. That in 3 short months, my brand spankin' new awesome house is going to be done. I'm super excited for it. Sometimes, I lay awake at night thinking about how I'm gonna decorate it. I know it's probably silly, but I'm a girl so silly is acceptable. I have a bunch of reasons why I can't wait to move into the house and I'm going to outline them here.

I can't breath here. I know that sounds stupid, but this house is so small I literally get claustrophobic when we are all in the same room. Now, that doesn't happen very often and it's sad really because I actually enjoy my family, but it's just too many people in a little space.

I'm a bad mom in this little house. I feel like all I do is yell at my kids. One...because it's so small and they are always on top of me. Two, because they are on top of each other and are always getting on each others nerves and fighting. Three, there stuff seems like it's everywhere. Really, it isn't, but it is. I can't stand it.

Although the house is smaller, I'm constantly cleaning. When I'm able to spread the mess out over 5000 sq feet it'll seem a lot less overwhelming. Right now, I can't even kick it under stuff because there is other stuff there.

No dishwasher. Quite frankly, I must have had my head in my rear to rent a house with no dishwasher with 4 kids. Although, I am gonna miss watching Patrick do dishes at night. It's soothing. Shut up. It is.

This house smells weird. I don't like weird smells. Especially in the basement. The cupboards stink. I've cleaned and covered and every thing else I can think of. It keeps coming back. I need my own smell.

There will be no rooster. No Mariachi music. And, for the love of pete, no hacking.

And the number one reason I can't wait to move is that it will be me and Pats home. I'm all about things that are us right now. Getting rid of the old and bringing in the new. Well, minus the kids. I'm okay to keep them. For now.

Pour Ma Douce Amie...

There are those who like to put their accomplishments or trials out there for the world to see. For recognition, sympathy, help, attention...who knows what. And then there are those who are silent. Who smile on the inside when they achieve something great. Who cry in the dark so their tears can't be seen. Who put on the smile even though they are dying on the inside. It's sad really that these people, for one reason or another, feel like they have to suffer alone. That there is no one they can call when they make a perfect chocolate bundt cake that should win a Pillsbury Blue Ribbon. Or, even more sad, when they feel like they are drowning in despair. For some, it is the ways of their past. They were never good enough. The red headed step child.

I'm here to say this today. YOU ARE GOOD!!! NO!!! YOU'RE GREAT. You have light and life and people who love you. You have demons, yes. Demons can be exorcised. They don't need to be carried. You have people who judge you. Who cares. Judge not lest ye be judged. Their condemnation will come at their own hands. Don't be afraid to tell your story. It's so great to release that burden from time to time. (Check my fb wall if you don't believe me) It doesn't have to be for gain. You aren't asking for someone to feel sorry for you. You're saying this is how it is. And look...I survived. I'm still here. I'm still fighting. Yes, I've taken a beating. More than once, but I believe in myself enough to get back up.

And guess what...I believe in you. And Mikey believes in you. And Ash. And Liz. And Ian. And Livimonster. And many, many others. So who cares about the ones who don't.



Now, you know I like originals. But you also know that I think Matthew Bellamy is the only person in the music industry right now, that includes Brandon and Gary, with skills comparable to my beloved Freddie. Da man is friggin' amazing.

You also know this post is as much for me as it is you. We both need to realize who we are and be able to stand tall. No matter how many people are trying to break us down. Put your back on me, yo. I won't let you fall. Ever.

All my love, my sweet friend.

My Side of the Story...

I've had a rough couple of days. As a woman, I have a certain time of the month when I lose complete control of my faculties. I cry, laugh and yell all within a 30 second time frame. It's cool. It's how we roll. One of the downsides of being the favored sex. But I digress. This morning I was thinking about doing a blog post and basically letting everyone have it. I was feeling really beaten down and negative, but after a waxing/therapy session with the very wise and kind and loving Jolie, I have a new perspective.

A few years ago I went through an exceptionally rough patch in my life. It was a culmination of a lot of years trying to find fulfillment in a life that was just, well, unfulfilling. I married young for two reasons. The first was that was what I was taught was expected of me. You get married and start a family. The second was because I didn't have a lot of self confidence. So, I jumped on the first opportunity that came around for fear that nothing else would. Now, it wasn't a bad choice. I knew that I would be taken care of, but I also knew that I wasn't in love. When I talked to people they would say, "well love comes with time". So, I kept my fingers crossed that it would. And to a degree, it did. You don't spend all your time with a person and not have a love for them. But it was never that passion, that newness, that I can't be and don't want to be without this person.

Then I had kids. I focused so much attention on them and on being the best mom that I could that I didn't have time to focus on the things that I didn't have. As any parent knows, it is completely unfair to expect your children to be your sole source of fulfillment in life at any age. It is way too much pressure on kids. Luckily for me I had friends. And I think I'm a really good friend. I put A LOT into my relationships with people. So when the dark times came, you can imagine my disappointment when I found that a lot of those that I considered close to me were not there. And nothing was ever said to me directly, but I heard through the grapevine that people were saying that I walked away from all of them. I was offended by that at first, but as I thought about it, they were right. I had become so dead inside that I just couldn't give the way I had before. I could barely function in my day to day life. What was hurtful though, was that instead of them putting in the effort to keep those relationships going, they just let them die. And I felt completely alone.

I had a spouse that I was completely disconnected from, children that I tried so hard to not live vicariously through, and many of the people I called friends gone. I was alone. And in that aloneness, I looked for everything and anything that would make me feel. Because of that, I made a lot of poor choices that just led me down an even darker path. I did things that were completely out of character for me, and as I look back now, I have a lot of guilt and shame over. I made a lot of excuses for my behavior at the time, but ultimately I knew that I was wrong. I wondered if my life wasn't really that bad and that I was just making excuses for my behavior by saying that I had been unhappy. Luckily, I had kept a journal and was able to read that within two months I was already regretting my decision to marry and wishing that I had been brave enough to call it off before it was too late. At two years into the marriage, I was wanting to file for divorce. In a way, it made me feel better to know that I wasn't completely crazy in how I was feeling 12 years after the fact.

And then I met Patrick, and little by little light started coming back into my life. It was hard for me at first, like someone who'd been in a cave and was coming out into the sun for the first time, but eventually I stopped fighting it and let him light up my world. I have been so grateful for him and everything that he has given me. I am grateful for the love he shows me and my children. I am grateful that he lets me cry and get snot all over him when he's holding me. I love that he washes the dishes so that I don't have to. And I even like that he listens to classic country music when he does it. Cause I secretly like a lot of it. Which I'm pretty sure he also knows, but lets me keep up my tough exterior of pretending that I hate it. I love that he forgives me when I do dumb stuff. I love that he makes my kids treat me with respect without belittling them. I love that he spoils me. I love that he lets me be me. And that he loves all of me. Even the annoying stuff. I don't have to pretend. I'm just me. And it's fabulous.

Finally I have it. I have the passion, the excitement, the I don't want to be without you...ever. The will you please come home now, cause I don't want to wait until 4 to see you. The I don't want to get out of bed in the morning cause I'll have to leave you. The I can't wait to be your wife and spend the rest of my life with you.

So instead of focusing on all the horrible stuff that happened and that I went through, I'm focusing on the amazing things I have in my life now. I'm excited for my future. I'm excited for the direction my life is taking. And I'm the most excited for my partner on my journey.

For my song choice, I wanted to post one that gave me a lot of peace during some of the darkest times in my life. Whenever I hear it I picture a father holding his daughter. Comforting her and wiping away tears. Letting her know that she isn't alone because her daddy will always be there. It was a great source of comfort for me during my darkest time. I know some of my friends will pick on me for it, but I don't care. I love Josh Groban. Just like I love Randy Travis. That is all. :)

A song for friends

Let me preface this post with a thought...There are times in your life when you just know something is right. Even when you stumble upon it unconventionally...

I believe that love is the strongest force on earth. I was blessed to find it early in my life. I think that there are some people who find it, then for various reasons, it fades. It always makes me sad when that happens, but sometimes, we witness miracles; and out of terrible sadness comes great happiness. This is my hope. I want everyone to be happy; especially the people I love.

Some people are lucky and get to find their miracle sooner rather than later. Some search longingly with no avail, some make a choice that turns out to be ill-fitting in the long run; but provide them with some of the choicest blessings they'll ever know; and some of them are lucky enough get a second chance.

When we find someone who can love us unconditionally- "warts" and all, someone who knows the worst thing we've ever done and still sees that there's good in us, we need to do all we can to nurture those feelings. Too many people think that love is easy. It's not. But when you find the person you were made for, it's totally worth it.

It is my wish for everyone can find happiness. The kind of true love that never fades, but glows golden with the patina of time.

Yes it's true...I was made for you.

And so it goes...

I thought it would be kind of fun to give you a musical rundown of sorts of mine and Patrick's time together. It has been a bit tumultuous at times, but I guess that's the beauty of relationships. Oddly enough, I have to give Facebook the credit for us being where we are today. Even though we had met before through mutual friends, that was where our relationship was fostered. It started out like this...



And I responded with "I'll hold your Coors Light on the back of your motorcycle while wearing a Utah hoodie and singing Chris Ledoux songs." Apparently that was all the sign he needed. But I still wasn't convinced. So, I said...



Well, he proved me wrong. The more time we spent together the better it was. And the beautiful thing was that we didn't have to be doing anything at all. Just being together was enough. I'm pretty sure there aren't words in the English language that could express how we felt about each other anyway.



Then next thing I knew...BAM...I was all smitten and stuff. I think it was the drunken text telling me that he loved me for the first time that won me over. Or maybe it was him telling me that he loves the way I love him. Or that I mean the world to him. Or any of the million other amazing things he does for me on a regular basis.



We have had a rough go of it at times. But we never give up on each other. We never let the other walk away. And I don't believe we've ever gone to bed mad. We always try to make it right. And that's difficult at times, seeing as we are probably the two most stubborn people on the planet. But what we have is real. And you don't walk away from that.



So, here we are now. We've made it through more in a short period of time than most people do in a lifetime. Divorce, illness, fights, kids, personal baggage and so much more. Yet, we're still standing...together. We've overcome so much and I know that we can endure anything together. As long as we have each other to give each other strength and love, to be each others beacon of hope and light for the future, to be each others greatest cheerleader and support, I know that we'll be together for at least a thousand years. And I'll love you even longer than that.



I love you, Smooshie. Happy Valentines Day.

I heart u. Like, forever and stuff.

Not the original version of this song, but a rare gem none the less. The raw emotion of this song is palpable.

This is a love song to stand the test of time. If you don't feel anything, you've obviously never been in love.

It's totally saxy.

My favorite songs for the week.

I actually have a few posts brewing, but I wanted to get this one out there just because I love the songs so much. I'm seriously loving Gotye. If you haven't heard, then you need to google. He's fabuloso. I haven't decided who I think I relate too in this song. I think it's both of them. I just love it. Him: We try to convince ourselves that we're happy with someone because we think it's the right thing to do. And when we finally get the strength to let go, we want everyone to be happy about it. It doesn't work that way. Someone always feels shafted. Only crazy people actually get to throw parties when they split. Or really, really healthy people. Her: You just have to cut it off completely. You shouldn't have to take the crap of another person. You shouldn't have to live as "second best" or in the shadow of someone else. I love it. And quite frankly, it doesn't bother me that the two people that have caused me to be able to relate I get to consider as people I used to know. See ya suckas.



I just love M83. They make me happy and they make me want to run really fast. LOVE LOVE LOVE. This is the new song from the new album, Hurry up. We're dreaming. So friggin' good. That's all I need to say.

Midnight City...

I'm super late...

I haven't been inspired yet this year as far as music goes... It makes me a little bit sad because I live for good music. It's been bothering me that I have not chosen an theme song for 2012. I am usually totally on top of this crap, but this year was a little more difficult. I pushed Stacy and nagged her to death; then I couldnt find one of my own...Figures.

Then- miraculously- something happened. While shuttling my children back and forth and spending pretty much 6 hours getting in to and out of a car; a song came on that struck me and I knew immediately that this was it. I was shocked because this isn't a song that I would normally pick. It isn't by a group I particualry love. They're ok for sure, but they aren't really that remarkable to me. But this is a happy, hopeful and totally positive song.

I have discovered that I have "friends" who really get bugged when I'm happy and positive all the time. I don't give a damn. I was under the impression that when you care about someone, their happiness was important to you... whatever. I am happy. I love my life. If you can't handle that, then maybe you don't belong there anymore.

With that said- I present to you my theme song for 2012:

My 2012 theme song choice.

See, I tried to tell Layne that things like this can't be rushed. Your theme song finds you. I actually have two for this year. Yes, that's allowed. I have an "I want to know that I'm okay, but not really in the mood to rock it" theme song, and an "I'm seriously gonna kick your face in if you mess with me cause I know who I am" theme song.

So here's my first. Of course, it's Snow Patrol. Cause I love me some Gary.

Sometimes we can feel so trapped in our lives. We like to blame it on the people around us, but ultimately it's our own choices, fears, inhibitions, insecurities etc...that keep us trapped. And sometimes we start to believe that this is all we are. Fear, weakness, loneliness. But we need to remember that we are so much more. We are hope and light and dreams and goodness and divinity. That we can love and have happiness. That we should never give up the fight to reach our desires.




And the second, Miss Kelly Clarkson. Who I love and adore. She's fabulous. She's who she is. She's comfortable with who she is no matter what anyone thinks. I think that's amazing. I hope for the day when I can do that.

This song gives me strength to take the punches and still punch back. I love it. It reminds me that I can't define myself through another. I have to know who I am and anything else in my life accentuates that, makes me better than I am alone, but doesn't define me. I'm the little black dress. They're the hot stilettos and Prada scarf. Classic alone. Amazing together. I'm still alive so that must mean I'm stronger.



In 2012, my only resolution is to stand a little taller. Shouldn't be too hard. Right?

No, He was not born on Yo Gabba Gabba

My children do not believe that I know anything. I'm actually ok with that, its age appropriate behavior. We try to raise them to be independant people- they need to be confident and stand up for what they believe.

Here's the exception- I'm yo mamma mamma...

Don't argue with me when I know I'm right. I totally know how to use the internet. I will prove you wrong. Every time.




and I'll always be way cooler than Super Robot Martian Girl.

New Years Theme Songs

Layne keeps nagging me to do a theme song post. I told her that I was in no mood to do a theme song post yet and that I'll do it in a couple of weeks when my throat doesn't feel like it's had a lobotomy and I'm not so cranky and tired and woe is me feeling. But she just keeps on, so I told her I was gonna post this song for my theme song.



She told me to stop being so dramatic. I told her to suck it.

The end.